Post # 1
My husband and I feel really torn about when to have kids. We are desperate to have kids, but also somewhat scared. On one hand, we feel like we have a great thing going on with the two of us, and don’t want to lose that. We’ve never had a major fight and our relationship is extremely strong, but having kids comes with much less time to ourselves as well as a lot of sleep deprivation, and we’re concerned about the strain that could place.
On the other hand, if we have a kid in the next two years, it works much better professionally for me. I can take a year of leave if I want, I can work from home and set my own hours, and I can opt to work part time with no questions asked. This option will no longer be on the table by late 2021 (I can push it back if I work part time or take time off for kids). At that point, I have no choice but to move on and will likely be in a position with little flexibility and the professional pressure to put in long hours, especially at first.
In short, we’re trying to weigh up what is more important: investing a couple more years into our marriage or taking up the massive flexibility that I currently have.
How long would you recommend waiting before having kids? Did kids have a big impact on the health of your marriage? How were you able to juggle work and kids?
Post # 2
Sounds like “On the other hand, if we have a kid in the next two years, it works much better professionally for me.” is your answer. If you are desperate to have them then get started, having them for the right reasons can only strengthen you both and bring you closer!
Post # 3
‘Ideal time’ will be different for everyone. However, I would say that if you have a window to catch ideal working conditions to have a baby, then I would prioritise that. Working with kids is hard and you need to take every scrap of leeway and flexibility you can get. I work somewhere that allows me a good amount of flexibility and I have 18 month old twins – someone could offer me double the salary for a more rigid set up but the flexibility is priceless and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Having a baby is always going to be rough (most likely) on a marriage. It’s always going to be nice to have just a little bit more time together. But the inevitability of baby-marriage stress won’t change, your working opportunities will.
Post # 4
HarveySpecter : This. We are in a similar boat OP. We’ve been married for 3 years, together for 12. We have a bit of an opposite situation where we would like to TTC next year, when the ideal time for me professionally would be in 2-3 years when a certain milestone in my job is achieved. We are leaning heavily toward trying next year, even though it is less convenient, but the dialogue is going to keep going. It sounds like you don’t really have to decide for another year, maybe even two, so I would just keep talking openly and see how you feel as you go.
Post # 5
There is NO ideal time. There will always be pros and cons and you’ll never feel totally ready.
Kids are super hard for the first 1-2 years and still sort of hard until about 5 years. Then they start getting a little independence and you get some time/freedom back. The hard part is temporary and totally worth it.
I would start now, the work flexibility you have now sounds awesome.
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2018 - Location
Ideal time depends on the couple. We thought we’d wait a couple years after getting married but things just kind of all worked out this year and we decided we were ready early, so we started TTC around 9 months married and I fell pregnant the first cycle. I’ll be exactly 12 weeks and ready to announce on our 1-year anniversary!
Part of it is my husband turned 30 and just decided ok we might as well do this and get the hard years over with, then we’ll still be young when kids are 5+ and able to travel internationally and stuff.
I say do it while you have the ideal work situation!
Post # 7
If you have a strong relationship and aren’t using the time to strengthen your relationship/work on issues then I don’t see the point in waiting if sooner would work better in your career plans.
I’ve been with my husband 11 years, married for 3. Our relationship isn’t stronger in year 3, it was just as strong in year 1. We are waiting until our 4 year anniversary to TTC but that’s just for financial/career reasons not because we feel we’ve needed all this time post wedding to invest in more time as just a couple.
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre
For us we knew that we wanted to enjoy our first year of marriage without having any children, However we also knew that we wanted to have children very close in age
Post # 9
You all make good points! I’m definitely scared though about postpartum depression and sleep deprivation though. Thankfully biology is on my side as I’m in my 20s, so the decision is more about career than it is about my body.
Has anyone regretted not waiting longer to have kids? Or has anyone regretted waiting longer?
Post # 10
amongclouds : I am in my 20s as well and our first is due in 2 weeks.
We got married in Jan 2018 and definitely wanted to wait a few years before having kids, but I fell pregnant in November last year, we’d been married for 11 months when I found out. We’ve now been married for 1.5 years.
The closer it gets to my due date, the more I’m aware of how much time we have left just being the two of us. A part of me definitely wishes it could have been longer as I absolutely love spending time with just my husband, but there’s a whole new dimension that’s added to your relationship with each other when you’re expecting/have a baby.
We’re thrilled and can’t wait for him to be born. We know it will be hard in the beginning, navigating it all, but we’re so excited to have this little life that we’ve been blessed with 🤗
Post # 11
No advice on which is the better time for you because everyone is different. (For example, we got pregnant before we were even engaged – yes, on purpose). However, they say if you want to hear God laugh, make plans. You can plan everything to a tee and pick the “ideal” time, but life will happen when it happens. They say that for two healthy adults, you can still take up to a year to conceive barring any fertility issues, so you could plan the “perfect time”, but still be looking at a year+. Even with perfect timing
I will say that if career is important to you, I’d soak up the flexibility you have now. Being pregnant means a lot of appointments. Babies have lots of appointments. Not including how often they may or may not get sick in the first few years as their immune systems are building, or just luck of the draw. Since having my son, I’ve taken a less demanding and more flexible job as my husband’s job is neither.
Having a kid is hard, and there are a lot of changes, but you figure them out. I honestly don’t remember what life was like anymore but I remember being terrified of how I’d pay for everything, if I’d be a good mom, would I have PPD? It’s scary being a first time mom, no matter how old or “prepared” you are. And the fact that you are thinking about these things now already shows a lot of maturity.
Post # 12
What is ideal for me isn’t ideal for you. You’re also assuming that you’ll get pregnant right away. It would have been ideal for me to get pregnant 14 months ago when Darling Husband and I started trying, but life happens.
Post # 13
amongclouds : I don’t think it has anything to do with length of time after marriage. After all, people get married before living together, after living together, not long after knowing each other, decades after knowing each other, etc.
I think you two should start writing lists. Things that are “musts” and “wants” before having children. These can be financial goals career goals, travel goals, maturity goals, etc. Then discuss together how to finish all your “musts” and which “wants” you want to focus on. Figure out a timeline for that and BAM baby timeline.