(Closed) Identity crisis…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

First, hugs! Second, you’re definitely not alone. Your last name is just as much a part of your identity as your fiance’s is for him, so no matter what you decide it’s natural to feel at least a little conflicted about it.

Honestly, I’m not sure why it’s still so important to a lot of men for their wives to give up their maiden names. My own fiance can’t explain it. I asked him if society’s tables were turned, would he be 100% okay with switching his last name to mine, and he said hell no! But still somehow couldn’t understand my feelings about it. 

But I’m with you – totally not OK with being known as Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname! I was my own person before meeting him and will continue to be so.

The things that have made the notion of changing my name a little less weird? 1) It makes Fiance really, REALLY happy. 2) I don’t have much of an attachment to my maiden name for sentimental family reasons. 3) It’s higher in the alphabet and easier to spell. LOL. 4) I won’t have to deal with the endless annoyance of everyone referring to me as Mrs. Hislastname anyway, then having to correct them. 5) Also won’t have to deal with older relatives acting like I sacrificed a baby because I dared to eschew a time-honored tradition of misogyny.

And hey, nothing is set in stone if you decide to go through with it (or not). Here’s an article about a woman who changed her name, then changed it back again. 🙂  http://apracticalwedding.com/2011/01/reclaiming-wife-changing-your-name-back/

Post # 4
Member
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think you should definitely wait a while to change your name – spend some time getting used to being married first, and then as your get more comfortable with your married life, you can start the process of changing your name. I really don’t know what to say to him being insulted if you didn’t change your name right away… too bad? He’s not the one who has to change his last name AND go through the hassle of doing it! I mean, you’re going to change it eventually, so what’s the rush? You have the rest of your life to go by his last name.

Post # 5
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

have you thought about changing your middle name to your current last name? 

I also like to point out to men to try to get them to understand some of the societal background (which also explains some of the hesitance) that Mrs. Means “wife of” which is why traditionally when they announce the couple it’s Mr and Mrs. Hisfirstname Lastname never Mr. and Mrs. hisname hername lastname- she is not part of the equation as a person. 

Post # 6
Member
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I haven’t dealt with thsi myself (yet) but I just wanted to say my SIL went through the exact same thing when she married my Brother-In-Law. The exact same feelings of loss and sadness and disorientation. They’ve been married for six months, and she is only just now getting to feel like she might be ready to change it soon.

So honestly? I think your fiance needs to be a bit more understanding. I could understand him being disappointed if you never wanted to change it, but you just want to wait a while, and in my opinion that’s the least he can do for you. The PROCESS will take a while, anyway–there’s a ton of paperwork involved. Social security, IRS, passport, drivers license, all your bank and credit card stuff… it’s gonna take a few months to get you fully changed, no matter what he thinks. It’s not as easy as re-typing it on Facebook!

I think you should stick to your guns and tell him you need some time to adjust.

Post # 7
Member
1284 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I completely understand. I’m already having a hard time with it… and it’s not really an identity thing for me. Honestly, I really just like my name and don’t like the feeling of “disassociation” with my own family that kind of comes with it.

You really just need to make a decision and let yourself get behind it. What does it for me is that I don’t want to have a different last name from my kids. I’m still trying to decide whether or not to make my current last name my middle name or to keep it the way it is. After all… my middle name is important to me too. 

So complicated! Good luck 🙂

Post # 8
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Redheadem and Starbuck had really good points! Your fiance should be a bit more understanding. It’s a big change and you shouldn’t feel pressured into something you’re not comfortable with.

Post # 9
Member
669 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

How do you or your Fiance feel about hypenating your last name and his last name?  That’s an option…You’d still have a bit of you and him!  Seems like a happy medium!

Post # 10
Member
1014 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

What you’re feeling is totally normal!  You have a few more months to really think about what you want to do, and luckily, even if you decide to keep your maiden name, you can always go back and change it down the road, if you so choose.  I thought I had come to terms with how I was going to change my name (First Maiden Hislast), and when we went to get the license, where you have to put down if you’re changing your name, I totally had a mini cry fest!  I was really sad to let go of my middle name, elizabeth, which I would then replace with my maiden name.  I didn’t want to hyphenate Mylast-Hislast, but I didn’t want to give up the middle name I’ve had forever, either!  I had to shed a few tears, but ultimately I remembered that I thought long and hard about what I wanted to do, and filled out the paperwork to change to First Maiden Hislast.  To myself, though, I’m still First Middle Maiden HisLast!

Post # 12
Member
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’d suggest to him that he could change his name to yours.  If he thinks about how hard that would be for him (emotionally and practically), he may be less of a pain about insisting you change yours.

Then again, I believe that if you don’t get to insist he change his name after the wedding, he doesn’t get to insist you change yours.

Post # 14
Member
843 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I will never change my name unless the SO is willing to change his. it’s about attitude. if his name is good enough for me, then mine’s good enough for him too. anything less is sexist, and infuriates me.

I had this talk with my SO before we even started dating. just to be sure! ;]

Post # 15
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I didn’t change my name because I like my name and it seems like a huge hassle to try and change it.  Darling Husband was fine with the idea at first, then his family kept bringing it up over and over and over again, which made him feel awkward about the decision.  I do not understand why it is such a big freaking deal.  In addition, we did agree that should we have children, they would have his last name, which is fine with me but simply scandelous to some people who continuously bring up the subject.

If you’re not sure about changing your name, then just take your time doing it.  The process seems long and drawn-out anyway.

Post # 16
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I went through something like this…and it is now over three months since our wedding and I haven’t changed it yet. Darling Husband and I just don’t really talk about it, it’s not a point of discussion. I get called both and will respond to either last name without correction, but my id just hasn’t changed. I’m coming around to it mentally and think I will change it eventually, because I do think I’ll want to share the same last name as my kids, but I’m not in a rush.

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