Post # 1
The Bee seems kind of intense today! I need a giggle.
So the other day, Darling Husband and I were having a very frank and open conversation about our sex life, as couples should. I expressed that I thought we could enjoy ourselves more if we got a few toys to add to our repertoire, and Darling Husband was open to the idea. So the next day, he called me at work and said he was near a sex shop and should he stop by and see about getting any of the things we talked about? I laughed and told him no, because that is DEFINITELY the kind of trip we need to make together. He realized I was probably right, as his visit to the store would go something like this (and these are his words): “Hi! I’m here to look for some sex toys to spice things up with the wife. Apparently me and my penis just aren’t cutting the mustard!”
I laughed SO. HARD. Cutting the mustard? Sexually, he just isn’t cutting the mustard? What an absurd expression to use, and especially in such a context!!!! I thought about it again yesterday and started laughing on the subway. I’m giggling again now thinking about it. Especially when I went to reassure him and it was something like “DH, don’t be silly! You know you cut the mustard just fine!”
So, what other weird idioms (or AMAZINGLY SOUTHERN folksy expressions) have made you laugh? Please use them in a sentence, preferably a ridiculous one, so we can really get the full effect
Post # 3
Being Southern, I consistantly use “Bless your heart” as the equivalent of “You’re a fucking moron.” 🙂
My grandma still uses “I’m busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest.” It’s amusing to hear it come out of an 89 year old lady’s mouth. Oh, Grandma.
Post # 4
@misspeanut: Haha, I once dated a guy who got in some trouble with the law in southern Virginia and his local lawyer gave him some advice that used the expression “on you like a duck on a june bug!” The guy was like, what? Is that bad? Do ducks like june bugs? I don’t understand at all!
I guess that southern charm is just lost on some people, haha.
Post # 5
Knee high to a grasshopper
Since Hector was a pup
Sweet biscuits of mercy
Slower than molasses in January
Yes, I use all of these in daily conversation. lol and crack myself up every time. Thanks Gramma!
Wow, I haven’t seen John since he was knee high to a grasshopper
Again?? Lord, she’s been doing that since Hector was a pup
Sweet biscuits of mercy, who left this mess in the kitchen??
Who chose this checkout line? That cashier is slower than molasses in January
Post # 6
Oh, Fiance has so many country expressions! I feel like I learn a new one every day!
I’m gonna stomp a mudhole in your ass (I’m gonna kick your ass)
I bet that makes your asshole pucker up! (I bet that scares you!)
Don’t show your ass. (Don’t embarass yourself)
The mouse in your pocket (He says this if he’s talking to me and I’m not paying attention and then ask if he’s talking to me. He’s like — No, I’m talking to the mouse in your pocket.)
Now that I type these out, I realize a lot of them have to do with asses
Post # 7
Personally, I love when old southern ladies use “bless their heart” to make something less offensive, like “that tramp couldn’t keep her.legs shut if they were duck taped together, bless her heart”. Like adding the ending somehow makes the insult less insulting? I’m sure I use lots but I don’t notice because everyone uses them.
Post # 8
@GroovyHippieChick: Slower than molasses in January — I LOVE THAT ONE! I use it all the time. My dad says it. Sometimes, when the person is moving particularly slowly, they are slower than molasses in January flowing uphill. I believe I used that expression to describe what happened in the processional of our wedding:
“Well, everyone else had to sprint down the aisle, because Father-In-Law was moving slower than molasses in January flowing uphill and used up half the bloody music!”
I also get to say “bloody” because I’m Canadian 🙂
Post # 9
Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!
Post # 10
I also love “shit the bed” as an expression that can be used entirely too hilariously. At work one time, we were on a conference call with a LOT of people. Important people, including the General President of the union I work for. And the GP himself, talking about some company that had screwed us, said “[company name] shit the bed on that one.”
Let me tell you how shocking it is to hear that kind of language on a professional conference call! We all had to mute the phone in my boss’s office because we were laughing so hard.
Post # 11
@iarebridezilla: Haha “shit the bed” is such a common expression around here I didn’t even think of that one!
Post # 12
My favorite, used all the time by my bff, is to say that something was so good it was “jump up and slap your grandma good.”
??!!?? WHERE oh where do phrases like this come from?
Post # 13
@MissBoPeep: I think on the same conference call, he talked about having someone else “shitting down their leg.” Now that’s graphic!
Post # 14
@iarebridezilla: Oh man, that one made me cringe.
Post # 15
How about “hungrier than a nun’s twat?” – One of my husband’s friends said that and I laughed and then immediately felt awful for laughing. Who thinks of these?? Hah, I almost can’t believe I actually posted this.
Post # 16
My favorite is “Even a blind hog finds an acorn once in a while”
“Well I’ll be dog-gone” or “Well I swanney” (Used to express incredulity)
“Nervous as a cat in a roomfull of rockers” (self explanitory and I think hysterical)
“Ridden hard and put up wet” (if someone looks terrible – its not dirty its a horse reference!)
“A month of Sundays” (a long time)