Post # 1
A post of Creiddylad’s made me think to ask you guys for your input on a situation I’m dealing with:
I have a friend who’s husband I know is a flirt, but recently several gals that know him and me but not his wife have come to me telling me about VERY inappropriate emails he’s been sending them and texts hes sent when he’s supposed to be a on a “guys night” trying to get them to come out that are also inappropriate. One girl was dating a guy at the husbands bachelor party and told her that the husband-to-be invited an old flame who spent the night with them. The other gal is dating a mutual friend of ours and the husband and the husband STILL hits on her! They also had witnessed incidents that indicated to them he’s cheating or trying to. They both are nice people and feel really bad because they have heard how sweet the wife is and I think are hoping that since we’re good friends that I’ll fill her in.
I’m really having a struggle deciding what to do. Part of me says “mind your own business”, but a WAY bigger part of me says “this is your GOOD FRIEND and YOU’D sure want to know if it was your man!” Even my boyfriend thinks I should find a way to tell her.
Before you ask: yes I know this is behavior his wife would kill him over. She is painfully lenient about him going out alot on “guys nights” and to lots of bachelor parties, but i’m POSITIVE she would NOT be ok with him texting/emailing other females hitting on them (pretty sexual stuff) or trying to get them to meet him and his friends out when she’s stayed at home. She’d flip.
…oh, and did I mention she’s pregnant?
Basically, whether I tell her or not, we all have the feeling that his cover will be blown very soon because he’s getting so cocky and putting stuff in writing. I’m not the only person with this knowledge: other girlfriends of hers are apparently VERY aware of her husbands behavior and have covered for him. So when this pops off, *I* dont want to be in the group she looks at and says “You knew and you didnt tell me?”
What would YOU do? And HOW would you do it?
Post # 3
Oh hell yes, not only would I want my friend to tell me, I’d be pissed if I found out she knew and DIDN’T tell me. If she is your good friend, you should tell her. Just say “I’m telling you this because I would want you to tell me if you were in this situation.” Then just tell her the truth. After that, whatever she chooses to do, it’s her decision, but at least the ball is in her court at that point. I understand not wanting to get into other people’s business, but she is your friend, and it’s something she deserves to know.
ETA: +1 to the poster below me. She might take it poorly, so try to get some “evidence” if you can, so she doesn’t just accuse you of lying.
Post # 4
I would absolutely tell her. If people have emails he’s sent, I would ask them to forward them to me. I would then either print them out, or bring a tablet/laptop with me, meet her in person and, as gently as possible, break the news to her.
Be prepared for her to want to “kill the messanger” and don’t take whatever her initial reaction is to heart. Some people lash out and she’ll need a good friend like you after her initial meltdown.
Like you said, if he’s hitting on friends SOMEONE is going to tell eventually. You don’t want to lose a friend because you knew and didn’t tell.
I’m sorry. This sucks. It sucks that you have to be the one to tell her. It sucks that the husband is a creep. Just sucks.
Post # 6
I once belonged to a group of friends. One was even my roommate. My roommate started sleeping with a guy in the group that was dating a girl in the group. They had the audacity to do it at our apartment, and I felt horrible for keeping the secret.
After a while, I came clean. No one believed me, and somehow everyone was angry at me. I lost all my friends, my apartment, and I was basically blamed for the breakup. The guy had the audacity to come to my work and scream at me that I was a liar, when I wasn’t.
I say, keep your mouth shut. Don’t let her issues become yours.
Post # 8
I would want to be told, and I would also tell any friend of mine if I knew that something was going on.
Post # 9
yes i would tell her, since she is pregnant– how far along is she? i would worry this stress may be too much for her body to take— my second child wanted to come out at 28 weeks due to my ex’s infedilty stress but with steriods and bed rest he stayed in til 36 weeks. still early but he was okay.
Post # 10
@badabing88: This is really tough but I don’t see how she could be completely in the dark about it if her husband is so careless.
If you must tell her, I wouldn’t do it by yourself. I would get a couple of the other girls together and meet up with her. That way, you won’t be killed as the messenger. Yeah, it might be embarrassing for her to be confronted by a few girls, but in reality, you shouldn’t be speaking for them.
Another option would be for you girls (again, I wouldn’t do this alone in case he flips) to tell the husband “Look… we’re tired of your behavior. Your wife doesn’t deserve this. We’re telling her if you don’t tell her yourself”. This way it would give him a chance to deal with it, but then again you might not know if he follows through or not.
It might be best to wait until the baby is born, though. Like if she really is in the dark, the shock of it might compromise the pregnancy. I wouldn’t want that on my conscience.
Post # 11
It sounds like you have a lot of Person a saw person b do this, and told person c to inform person D.
I would keep an eye out for your friend but without definite proof (copies of emails, copies of texts, or witnessing his behavior yourself) I would be reluctant to inform your friend. It sounds like a lot of hearsay or “it looks like he might be doing this” which is speculation.
Speculation never helps a touchy situation.
If you do get proof and decide to move forward and tell your friend, be ready for any reaction from shock and awe (which it seems you expect) to flat out denial and anger at you for suggesting such a thing.
Post # 12
Yes. I would want to be told, wouldn’t you? If you found out that your SO was cheating, but you also found out that your best friend knew, what would you think?! I’d be pissed at BOTH of them! If its an acquaintance, maybe stay out of it. But a close friend? I think you have to.
I would see if you could get a copy of the emails/texts. Then I sit her down and tell her that this has been brought to your attention and that you felt she had every right to know about it.
Post # 13
I would absolutely tell her. Would you want to be the last person to know if your SO was cheating on you?!
Post # 14
I say have the girls print out the evidence and give it to her. Tell her that you are neutral but these girls wanted her to have it. Be a friend and be objective about the whole thing. If you didn’t see it or receive it, you don’t know it to be a fact. You can probably assume it’s true, but don’t – at least not to your friend. Come to her as a friend and someone who wants to help do damage control for the sake of her and the baby, not someone who is judging her and talking behind her back. She may still lash out at you but she needs a friend now more than ever.
Post # 15
Coming from someone who was in the “wives” position a few years back, yes I would want you to tell me. I finally left when I was fed up with other things (drug use) and mid move, I saw a friend, they thought I was leaving because I had finally found out he was cheating. I later found out that EVERYONE knew, including my parents, siblings, friends and no one told me. I was crushed. They let me stay in a 12 year relationship where there were other women claiming to be pregnant with this man’s child and I had no clue.
I know it seems that I must have been living under a rock, but I lived with 2 toddlers, 1 car family, living 15 miles from the nearest town, working nights, while he worked days. We did not see each other except for 1 day a week.
Post # 16
Even though it will hurt her to know the truth, it would hurt her even more to know that people knew and didn’t tell her. She will recover from the pain of this eventually, and especially being pregnant she will want to take her actions before there is a third life involved in the drama.
I would assemble any proof that you have of him cheating, and show it to her. Sit down with a few close friends, and tell her. That way she can really see that she is not alone in this.