If a guy wants to "take it slow", good or bad thing?

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

It’s not a good thing or a bad thing. It’s a neutral thing. It sounds like he has perfectly rational reasons for his approach, and you are also very entitled to how your feel. The only question is: can your expectations either match up or compromise somewhere in the middle? If so, you’ll be ok in the long run. If not, it’s just an example of a fundamental incompatability. 

I’d encourage you to have an honest conversation about how you’re feeling and where you see this going. You can tell him basically what you told us – “I don’t want to get married tomorrow, but I’m having really strong feelings about you and I want you to know.” His reaction will tell you whether it’s the right relationship for you both or not. It sounds like he’s being SUPER honest about where he is, and that’s a good thing.

Post # 3
Member
2816 posts
Sugar bee

He presumes that all relationships that proceed at a fast pace are doomed to failure. Not true. Nor is it true that all slow-moving relationships are bound to succeed. I don’t think I’d be very pleased to hear all this drivel from someone I was dating exclusively for 8 months. I’d start looking elsewhere, frankly. But that’s me.

Post # 4
Member
6022 posts
Bee Keeper

I think that’s fair after 8 months. He doesn’t want to jump into anything unless 100% sure. I wish more people with kids thought like this. I’d be happy he wants to provide a healthy stable home for his kid. 

Post # 5
Member
9929 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

tenley7 :  

He feels how he feels.  You feel how you feel.  Both of you are right. The only question here is whether your relationship goals can sync up.

It sounds as if you need more clarity on the ‘words’ thing.  Absolutely none of us know what he actually meant. We can discuss it for 328 pages and we still won’t know what he meant.  For that, you will have to go to the World’s Leading Authority—him.

Eight months is an eye blink at any age. It’s essential to see a prospective partner is a huge variety of different situations to discover who they really are.

Personally, I think slow is better than fast.  Fast is a preferred tactic of people with nefarious intentions or something serious to hide.  The idea is to ensnare their prey before their masks slip and their true natures are revealed.

Post # 6
Member
479 posts
Helper bee

tenley7 :  I think what he meant was if he tells you he loves you, he wants to mean it, and not just throw the word around. Typically this is something you would expect from a high school boy, or your first crush, but not a grown man. He should be able to be more concise with his feelings for you. So he’s not yet in love with you, but perhaps your feelings for him are growing. As bothersome as his words are, at least he’s being honest. This is where you set a mental timeline for yourself to see if the relationship progresses as quickly as you’d like. I wouldn’t nag or push him along, as this will only cause conflict. Just be upfront with where you are, and what you expect from him. He will know where you stand, and he’ll either meet that deadline, or he won’t. Obviously you can’t force someone to love you, but it sounds like he’s coasting along. Or perhaps he’s thinking of his child, and understands he’s making this commitment to you for himself, and on behalf of his child. If you want more, tell him. This will push him out of the comfort zone, and he’ll have to start questioning where he sees you in his life one to two years from now. Hopefully he will be just as honest, and not string you along. 

Post # 7
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

I would be wary if it were me.

Post # 8
Member
7524 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I wouldn’t be very inspired by what he said. It’s up to you though…if you really like him, no harm in giving it a few more months and then taking his temperature again on how he feels about you and where he wants the relationship to go. No guarantee of course that he’ll feel any differently at 12 months than 8, and so on. 

Post # 9
Member
869 posts
Busy bee

He doesn’t want you to take him seriously. Fine. So dont. But realize he just told you quite  clearly …he doesn’t take you seriously, either . 

 

YOU HAVE Zero Reason To Be EXCLUSIVE to This man. If you are seeking a serious relationship…Try Some OTHER waters, bee. Or just take this as casual with no emotional attachment  nor expectations. Most people cannot do that. 

Post # 10
Member
355 posts
Helper bee

tenley7 :  

Fast and slow are relative terms. They really are, so there is no right and wrong, no good or bad here. There’s only what he can give you, what you can live with, and what you both want, and whether it matches up enough for a relationship to be possible.

This one conversation would not necessarily determine how I feel about the relationship. I would look at the relationship in totality and see how and if other things are matching up. At 8 months in, as adults you should have discussed your goals for your future, your desires for a relationship. Even if these don’t involve each other specifically, these are discussions you should be having so as not to waste time and get hurt unnecessarily.

Are your goals and desires lining up? Do you want the same things out of a relationship?

Is your relationship progressing forward? Are you gradually getting closer and spending more time together? Does communication flow easily? How much anxiety or security do you feel in this relationship? Are you exclusive? Does he call you his girlfriend, and has he introduced you to friends or family? Are there indicators which point to the fact that he might be leery of commitment?

All these factors would tell me far more about where I stood and whether I wanted to continue than whether or not someone was willing to say “I love you” just yet.

Post # 11
Member
2444 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

tenley7 :  he’s not sure. 8 months in,  not a good sign.  You said he has always been “emotionally closed off”. Do you have a pattern of choosing men that are unwilling to commit to you? (I don’t know,  just asking) 

Post # 12
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

tenley7 :  Hes not over his past hurt. I get that, its hard. But hes still judging you against his past relationship. My ex was a lying cheating a**hole… but I dont question my fiance or invade his privacy because I was too passive in believing my ex.

He sounds like he is not in an emotionally healthy place. I would move on.

Post # 13
Member
936 posts
Busy bee

Erm this would be a no from, my ex was very emotional closed off and said she wanted to go slow and didn’t want to put a label on things and then a month later broke up with me to see some other girl. I’ve also said I want to take things slowly when I’ve been unsure if I was that into someone.

It’s been 8 months, that’s way too long to not be sure about and emotional available to someone imo. There’s taking things slow because you’re being cautious and then there’s keeping someone at arms length until you find something better, unfortunately in this case I would say it’s the latter. 

Post # 14
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

My father got married when he was 18. Shotgun wedding. Wasn’t built to last. My half-brother was born when my dad was 19, and my father proceeded on with divorce and flip-flopping my half-brother between homes for TEN YEARS.

During those entire ten years, my father couldn’t date. He really wanted to. He wanted to provide his young son with two stable homes (his ex-wife remarried quickly and they’re still together). But my father was emotionally distraught by the divorce. He felt unworthy of ever being married again. No woman caught his eye. He was depressed, but he worked hard. He dabbled in school, getting degrees in music and science at the same time because he didn’t know which one he wanted to pursue. He ended up pursuing chemistry, and when he was 29, he met my mom.

He interviewed her for a job in the lab he was heading. And he immediately fell in love with her. Like immediately. He offered her the job (it was ethical lol though we like to tease him that it wasn’t). 

But he wouldn’t pursue her. He was too scared. She got a boyfriend and dated him a tad, but she really really liked my dad. She left her boyfriend and asked my dad if he wanted to go out, but he said no. He was terrified of letting himself and his son down.

A year rolls by. He stops heading that lab and heads another lab on the other side of the building, but my mom stuck around. Finally my mom says again, “Hey let’s go out” – and finally he felt ready. They dated for six months, got engaged on Thanksgiving, and got married nine months later. 

But my dad needed that year. He needed a whole YEAR, working daily with the woman he was sweet on, before he could even fathom saying yes to her. It was sad, honestly. But he really did need that year, even AFTER all the years of being divorced. 

I think every man is different, but divorced men are ESPECIALLY different. You need to REALLY understand that men can be a lot more scared of love after divorce than women are. 

Everything else to say has already been said by previous commenters, but that’s my two cents. A divorced man is a whole different game than any other type of man. 

Post # 15
Member
749 posts
Busy bee

tenley7 :  whats fast paced? several months, or several years? Do you guys both agree on what is fast or slow?

Seems like he really does like you and wants it to work and fears that if not acted out ‘correctly’, it could fail just like his ex. What he said may have been bc he opened up and was comfortable in letting you know what he truly fears deep down. It’s not a bad thing, just honesty. He may be afraid to say it and to continue saying it and for it to lead to the next thing and the next, and before you know it, BAM fast paced everything. 

 

Slow can be good. BUT it can be not so good; depends how slow or long you are willing to take it/wait. Almost seems like he is still ‘healing’ from the past, which may take awhile as he shares a child with his ex.

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