(Closed) If Grandma Pays Does Grandma Choose?

posted 6 years ago in Dress
Post # 3
Member
9649 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

i haven’t been in this situation, but i think if she pays she does get to have some say, but overall it is your decision, so if you find The One, I am sure she will be happy to pay for it still even if it’s not completely her taste 🙂

Post # 4
Member
1599 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think it’s awesome that your grandmother has offered to do this for you. Make sure you let her know how appreciative you are.

However, I don’t believe in the “I’m buying, so I choose” stance at all. If your grandmother picked something that made you uncomfortable and feel unattractive, do you think she’d still make you buy it? Or if you found something you loved but she didn’t care for, do you think she’d deny it to you out of spite? If she truly loves you, she will let you make the choice and be happy!

In these situations, I always use the birthday analogy: If someone gives you a gift card for your birthday, they don’t write in the card: “you MUST use this to purchase the purple and orange polka dotted sweater with the zebra on the front!” I mean, the purpose a gift card (or monetary gift) is to let the recipient choose the item.

If you’re concerned about you and your grandmother having different tastes, especially because of a generation gap, talk to her about it. Look at pictures together and see where you both stand so you know what you’re getting into before you go shopping.

And I think that if your grandmother loves you and wants you to be happy, she’ll understand that this is YOUR dress for YOUR day and it should be YOUR choice! If you’re happy and feel beautiful, I can’t see her denying you any dress. 

 

Post # 5
Member
2281 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

If she pays, she gets to choose. 

But you can make sure that you end up with a dress you love by communicating clearly with her about what makes you feel beautiful and what doesn’t. Will she be going with you to try dresses on? Work with the consultant to narrow your choices down to the ones you really love, and then let grandma participate in choosing one from those. If she’s not going with you to try them on, it’s likely the most she’ll want is final approval, if that. 

How sweet that she is helping you!

Post # 6
Member
2086 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards

Every person is different.  Some will want a lot of power in the process and others won’t.  You know her best…

Post # 7
Member
7902 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

Usually, when grandmas pay, they get quite a bit of say, but she will also want you to be happy. She’ll see the looks on your face nd hear the things you say.

Post # 9
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

When daughter tried on her first wedding gown my daughter and her grandmother loved it my Mother-In-Law. I didn’t like the dress. You may find you have the same taste in wedding dresses.

Post # 10
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t think it’s a pay/choose thing.  I think you need to value her input and she would most likely have veto power, but if you guys discuss beforehand and get on the same page, it should be fine.

Post # 11
Member
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

“she has promised to buy my dress when I am ready to choose one”

She did not say- “I will dictate your dress choice,” she said “I will pay for your dress.”

To make this easier on both of you, figure out the budget before hand- she may be thinking $500, you could be thinking $1,000, for example. And be prepared to purchase the dress yourself, if she is the sort of woman who would dictate it (doesn’t sound like it from what you wrote.)

Post # 12
Member
5763 posts
Bee Keeper

An offer to buy it from your Grandma? Nope…I’d bet you she doesn’t want to choose it. She’s happy for you and wants to help in a pretty big way!  

If you’re honestly worried about it, why not ask her what she really means by that? If she says ‘I’ll buy it as long as I like it’,  and you don’t like that answer,  then you need to make other arrangements.

I’m guessing that she’ll be happy as long as you are.

Post # 13
Member
3082 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I don’t know if you would have to pick a dress that she loves but you hated. There is usually a happy medium. My mom was paying for my wedding dress, so I obviously brought her with me when I went dress shopping. We were able to find a dress that I loved and she loved. Also, I find that they just want you to be happy. So thus he sees how much you love it, I’m sure she will too. 

Post # 14
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Thinkboxxx:  I have 2 experiences with this. I guess it all depends on your Grandmother.

My first wedding, my Mother and Grandmother paid for my dress. I picked one I THOUGHT I liked, but that made them happy. Truth was, I wasn’t. But I had no out and felt trapped because they picked it. On the other hand, I was 22 and I was getting married 4 months later. Decisions had to be made and I didn’t have a ton of time to look. Did I look pretty? Yes… did I love it? No

Flash Fwd to this time- I said I was paying for the dress and didn’t care what anyone else thought, unless I was happy, it wasn’t happening. I got final say. So I went to 5+ shops. I took my time. When I would find a dress, I just couldn’t pull the trigger. I took Mom and Gram to see 1 and I got torn apart. I was devistated. They wanted me in something 100% different. So I soldiered on… kept looking… Found another dress in SC with Future Mother-In-Law… thought it was the one, but still couldn’t buy it because Mom and Gram couldn’t be happy for me. I had almost resigned to them not being ok with ANYTHING I liked. Then I found it. THE DRESS!!! I didn’t care if they liked it or not. So I emailed them photos. I still needed the OK deep down. They loved it!! The next day Mom drove down, 1+ hours to see it. She STILL loved it. I put down the deposit… recently she offered to help pay for it!!!

Moral of the story, YOU make the final decision. But if you would like her approval (and possibly money) don’t get discouraged. It might take a LONG time. But there is a billion dresses out there, there HAS to be one you both like. It will be frustrating, but in the end it will pay off and the feeling is amazing. 🙂

Post # 15
Member
1622 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think that an offer to buy the dress for you means that Grandma gets control.  Yes, I think it’s best if you value her input (assuming she even wants input?), but that doesn’t mean she gets to dictate.  That’s not a gift, it’s a bribe.

Having said that, it depends on how much you want her to be as happy as you are about your dress choice, and how you feel about the dresses you shop for together.  For example, if you found a dress that you loved, an “I-have-to-have-it-or-despair-forever” dress, and she hated it….what would you do? In my own experience, I found a few dresses that I could’ve been totally happy with and my mom liked/loved/hated them all differently.  Ultimately, I chose the one that I loved the best and she doesn’t like it at all, LOL.  I could’ve picked my second choice, which was her TOP choice (made her cry), but that decision wouldn’t be true to me and what I wanted. (although, I bought my own dress…..had she been paying maybe I would’ve conceded? but I’m a wee bit sad to admit that I guess!)

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