- 8 years ago
We are finally going to book a trip to Italy this August and for some reason I really want him to propose during this trip. We’ve been together 7 years and finally have been livng together since January of this year. By August it will be 8 months of living together. I feel like I am going to be expecting it on this trip, although he has given me absolutely no reason to believe he will do it, it is just my wishful thinking.
Due to this, I have told him that I don’t want to go to Italy this year anymore, and when he asksed why, all I said was that I wanted this once in a lifetime trip to be meaninful. He told me to stop acting crazy and that it will not be a once in a lifetime trip and it will be meaningfull (again no indication that he plans on proposing.)
We’ve had bumps in the road since eary on in our relationship 7 years ago due to me getting depressed (in general, not about engagement/marriage). These “bumps” have hurt our relationship but by some miracle we managed to get through them every time thanks to him being so patient. He has always said that he wants to live together a while first to make sure I can be happy before getting engaged. Me moping around and sulking every time I hear the word “engagement” or “wedding” doesn’t help the situation at all. It is like a cycle: I get depressed because he doesn’t propose, he doesn’t propose because I get depressed.
When we got into a fight about not being engaged once and when I got mad at him for not giving me a timeline, he told me that he doesn’t want to give me a timeline because he said I will just act normal and happy until that point and after he proposes I will get depressed again about something else like “when will we have kids?” The sadest part is- it’s true. I can understand why he wants to see if we can be in a stable relationship and it is up to me to just be happy and things will fall into place, yet I can’t seem to get my mind off of it. I was really obsessing about it a few months ago but I stopped bringing it up to him for good after our last conversation about it where he told me he was planning on proposing this year but the way i was acting about it (miserable, resentful) was hurting our relationship and at “the way things are going right now that certainly isn’t going to happen.” Since then I have refrained from talking about engagement, marriage, or anything of the sort. Things have been going better in our relationship when I am not thinking about it and we are much happier but every time it creeps into my mind it makes me so depressed.
When my mind is on other things like school, work, decorating the house, exercising etc…. I am most happy and when he see’s I am happy that makes him happy and he even asked me about what type of ring I liked. Problem is I can’t seem to stay happy if the topic comes up I turn into a raging lunatic and the way I act really puts a toll on our relationship.
Anyway- aside from trying to deal with my own emotions on my own…… am I crazy for not wanting to go on this trip? I feel like I will not enjoy this trip at all if we go, and I find the idea of spending thousands of dollars (he is paying) to take a trip to Europe will be ridiculous if I will be miserable at the end of it after he doesn’t propose. I can’t believe it has come down to this- me caring more about a stupid proposal than enjoying this once in a life time opportunity to go to Italy which is where I’ve wanted to go my entire life. I already resent him for not proposing so I feel like even if he ever does (which I have no idea if he actually will) that it will not be special because of the fact that I have been doing nothing but waiting. So…
Should I just suck it up, forget about getting enagaged and go and enjoy Italy?
Should I not go because it will only make me go crazy in the end?!