(Closed) If he doesn' propose in Italy, I will be crushed….

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
2451 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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MrsBuesleBee:  yes, its been a long time.

Post # 17
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

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Stranger516:  it’s fine to want your man to propose. I want mine to propose. But yelling at him and flipping out isn’t the way to do it. If you think he is right that you won’t be happy once he proposes because theN you will just be in waiting for the next step and the next then maybe you need to reevaluate your thoughts on what all of this means. 

Also, go to Italy. I wanted him to propose on our cruise last month and he didn’t. And we had an a amazing time because I got to spend a week in the Bahamas with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with

Post # 18
Member
12326 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I understand wanting to be engaged and all, but if your happiness and well being depends on it, to the point where you can’t enjoy a trip like this, I think you need some personal help before becoming a partner to someone. 

Post # 19
Member
3273 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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nycsa:  I’m sure it is. My partner deals with a clinically depressed person-me. But, if he made his proposal contingent on my mood, something I can’t always control, and told me he wouldn’t propose until I was happy enough, that would be unfair. I understand that OP’s bf, if he does in fact plan on proposing marriage, would want to do so when OP is stable and happy. But it’s so tough to have vague requirements for a proposal that are out of one’s control.

ETA: I do understand the conern over OP’s obsession though. I had bad days when I was ready to be engaged and Fiance wasn’t yet, because that is a tough thing to experience. However, I made myself and my personal life a priority during that time and grew to a place where I was okay with waiting a little longer, and was much more relaxed and content when the proposal did come.

Post # 20
Member
2769 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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MrsBuesleBee:  it kind of sounds like he wants to make sure he can be happy being in a married relationship with him. It is next to impossible at the moment to tell since she is so unhappy without the proposal.

I agree, OP, that if you can’t separate your relationship from your desire to be engaged and just be happy with the two of you – no rings, vows or gimmicks – you really should break up with him. It sounds like the only thing you have left in your relationship right now is the desire that he will propose – and getting engaged because that is the only thing your relationship has going for it is so wrong. 

Believe me, I am in the same boat as you – long relationship, boyfriend reluctant to propose (in my case because he doesn’t want to change a dynamic that works well for us) and if he wanted to take me away to Italy all on his dime I would be THRILLED. The food! The Vatican! The Coliseum! Naples! Capri! Venice! Milan! The cinqueterra! So much amazing stuff to see and do.  The fact that you are not thrilled with a trip you would unreservedly love with anyone else means you have huge reservations about your relationship. Do you really want to get married to someone who gives you reservations? or is it just because you have been together for 7 years and so therefore he should have by now?

Post # 22
Member
8601 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

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Stranger516:  He told you flat out he does not plan on proposing- listen to him. The guy is just stringing you along and likely trying to smooth it over by funding this trip.

Or hey, maybe if you get a handle on yourself and live in the present moment, creating fun new blissful memories and DROP IT till the trip he might propose (sounds unlikely but you should do the above attitude shift for your own health regardless)

Probably go to Italy and then break up with him. Or just break up with him now. But either you care about being married or you dont- and if you do…then ITS TIME TO GO!

 

Post # 23
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

When I read the title, I could relate entirely to it… but when I read your post, I was like o__O this could’ve been me writing it!! Last August, my bf of 7 yrs and I went on a one week trip to Italy and I was expecting a proposal because it was the last week we would be together before he moved away for studying… but it did not happen. So I can totally understand your disappointment. However, it was worth waiting, because he did propose 6 months after. Now that I think about it, I’m glad he waited, because we could enjoy Italy freely without any pressure from any of us.

And I can totally understand your uneasiness when others comment on the duration of your relationship since my family said the same all the time until it did happen… however, you rly, rly shouldn’t care about what others think and there’s no right “time” to get engaged or not. It’s when you feel ready, that’s the keyword there. 

The difference in your story is, you have some health issues you have to take care of before even thinking of a marriage… Please do set an appointment with your doctor or try to go to counselling/psychologist so that you get the best chances of recovering on your side. I know you said you saw a doctor in vain, but I think you need to work on yourself and try again, not only for the sake of your relationship, but first and foremost for your well-being. Take care!!!

Post # 24
Member
4556 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I really want my boyfriend to propose when we go to Hawaii and I will be crushed if he doesn’t do it, but I will still be happy to be there. First, I think you need to get counseling. I used to have these same thoughts (obessing about different things), but once I got help and she put me on meds it worked a miracle. Secondly, go on the damn trip and enjoy it! 

Post # 25
Member
3949 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

He even said, and you agreed, that once you get the proposal you’ll be on to being miserable about the next thing, ie. when will we have kids.  I don’t think you’ve given treatment enough time or effort to work.  Why can’t you be happy in the NOW?  I mean for holy crap’s sake you are going to freakin Italy and you’re going to be miserable if you don’t get a proposal? Who does that?  I think he wants to see if you can be happy in the now EVER. What happens after the kids, then the bigger house than the ring upgrade the push present….. are you ever going to be happy?  If not then cut him loose and don’t waste all that money on Italy and sink into some therapy. 

Post # 26
Member
2543 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Go to Italy and enjoy the last trip and times you’ll spend with him. Kinda like a goodbye trip. I think your relationship is one of those where the couple’s timeline was so NOT well matched that the bitterness of his not proposing has eroded away the entire relationship. I’m not saying this was your fault, or his. Im saying that now you can’t even enjoy a trip “of a lifetime” bc you’ve been stuck in the “girlfriend” phase for so long. If relationships have normal cycles (falling in love – falling out of love – love – in love – falling out of love – love…), it really does sound as if you two have not been able to fall in love again, or create the bonds for long lasting love. I’m sorry but it really does sound as if after you fell out of love there wasn’t enough “fuel” for the relationship to sustain itself until the next in love phase began. 

I’ve been there OP, 7+ years with someone who wasn’t “ready” for whatever reasons, valid or not. As someone who’s been there I can tell you you WILL fall in love again. You WILL feel happy again. You just need to look after your OWN well being for a while, be by yourself, do the counseling thing for as long as you need to until you’re having “I woke up happy” days frequently. Then you’ll be able to see the magic again and there’s someone out there who’s looking for someone just like you. Exactly the way you are. Depressive and all. 

I’ve heard teachers say that your SO is a mirror image of how you see yourself. That is to say, an SO that makes you feel special, wonderful, beautiful, desirable, lovable…you’re in a good place. An SO that makes you feel like you need to change, be someone else, unattractive, stupid, unloveable…you’re in a bad place. 

This relationship does not sound as if it’s contributing to your wellbeing, feeling like you want to be the very best version of yourself or anything of the like. So…find yourself first and then i guarantee you’ll find someone who will also see the positive in you as well.

i saw a thread today by a bee who a year ago was left with little to no explanation about a year ago. Her older posts are gut wrenching. Today she gave us all an update on her life…I think you should read it. 

i wish you the best OP.

Post # 27
Member
2543 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Oh and don’t listen to the “why can’t you be happy” arguments. Clinical depression by definition is the inability to “push thru,” “move on,” “get past it,” “just be happy,” ” just enjoy it”…it’s not a thing you beat with just your willpower. You need professional help to be yourself again.

Post # 28
Member
6593 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

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Stranger516:  It’s a trip to Italy.  There doesn’t have to be a proposal involved to make it memorable and special.  It’s freaking Italy!!!

Go on this trip and enjoy yourself.  Being cray-cray beforehand to your guy does not help your cause at all and probably even makes it less likely he will propose any time soon.  Dial it back a bit.  7 years is some time to be together without a ring but you just took a big step and moved in together a few months ago so it seems to be going somewhere.

But it sounds like you’re almost done waiting and this trip is the litmus test for both of you.  If you come back without a ring then give it until the lease runs out and if he still hasn’t proposed by then, move on by yourself.  But don’t bomb a trip to Italy when you have the chance to go.  As you get older responsibilities, bills, and life gets in the way of trips like that.

Post # 29
Member
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I can relate with the lunacy when a friend gets engaged, and now that I am engaged it’s very embarassing to remember. Enjoy your time in Italy and try not to have expectations.  The more you pressure him, the less likely he will be to propose.  

Post # 30
Member
1606 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Do you mind telling us your age?

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