(Closed) If he doesn' propose in Italy, I will be crushed….

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
303 posts
Helper bee

Please relax and have faith in your future together. Things will fall into place if you just let them =)

Post # 34
Member
4145 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

From what you have said I don’t know why you would think he WOULD propose. And I think you should get some therapy. You cannot go into a deep depression every time something in life doesn’t go your way.

Your reason’s for going to Italy should be to see the fantastic country that Italy is. Proposals are a bonus.

Post # 38
Member
465 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

First of all if you’re depressed you need to seek help with some therapy and maybe medication. Depression doesn’t go away for most people, it can be managed and you should figure out how to do that. Honestly that is more important than getting married or not. 

If you were depressed for the past 7 years and he hasn’t found reason enough to leave then there is no reason he can’t commit except he feels he doesn’t have to because he can keep you hanging on a string forever or he plans on dumping you soon. Anyway, a vacation is just that, a vacation. You only get one life. You better decide how you want yours to be. Where does getting married rank on your list of priorities. If its’ in the top 3 then you really need start making a plan to leave shouldn’t go to Italy.  Let him know that you won’t be going without a proposal. If he planned a proposal he’ll just have to confess it. If not he’ll say no way and you should plan on leaving him if you can financially support yourself.

 

Post # 39
Member
1767 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Honestly, I can see why he’s not proposing yet. He’s happy now, but he’s afraid to marry someone who will be miserable for the rest of her life because she will never have what she (or everyone else) thinks she should.

Girl, you have got to get this under control. Talk to a doctor. See a therapist. Get on some anti-anxiety meds. Something. If you don’t, you’re going to keep driving yourself crazy and probably lose your boyfriend in the process.<br /><br />Oh, and go to Italy! I can’t believe you’d consider not going in the first place.

Post # 40
Member
2792 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
Stranger516: You have posts dating back from a year ago about being anxious to get married, feeling like you should have kids already, etc. so I’m not sure why you’re saying you were never even thinking marriage until 3 months ago. 

Unfortunately I have read the same post from you over and over again – you want to get married, someone around you gets engaged, you throw a huge fit, your SO says he can’t marry you when you act like this, you come to the board, it’s split 50/50 between telling you that you need to get yourself under control whether through therapy, an MD, medicine, SOMETHING and people telling you that he’ll never propose and you need to leave. 

I don’t blame your SO for being wary of your actions. I don’t blame you for wanting a ring after 7 years. I don’t think you two will end up getting married, I really really agree with everyone who is saying leave him and focus on you. You need therapy for your anxiety and your raging emotions – depressed or not (and I do have personal experience with it), it is NOT healthy to throw a raging fit over not being engaged and I don’t know how you could possibly think that would make your SO want to take the next step with you. You need to be single right now to see that there is more to life than being engaged or married. It’s not fair to your SO to treat him like this, it’s not fair to you to be strung along. I don’t see how anyone could think this relationship is healthy. 

And I think it’s really, really wrong for PPs to say “go on the free trip to Italy and dump him after”. Get out now.

Post # 41
Member
846 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Fiance and I were together for a very long time before he proposed. Naturally I had been thinking about marriage for quite a while before he proposed. But I made a conscious decision not to push it, for several reasons. Firstly I know my Fiance, and while I know he wants to marry me, if he had felt like he was being pressured about it then he wouldn’t want to get married. Secondly, I wanted to get married because we both wanted to, not because he felt he had to. Thirdly, I was very secure in our relationship, and knew that we were devoted to each other, and I didn’t feel I needed marriage to confirm that. I see marriage as being like icing on a cake – it’s great but good cake is pretty awesome on its own too!

 

I sympathise with your depression – I’ve been there, and I know how hard it is to control your emotions when you’re depressed. But I really think that you need to make a conscious decision to start focusing on the present, and all the good things that are going on right now rather than putting so much effort into worrying about what you think needs to happen in the future. Maybe try writing out a list of everything that makes you happy with your life right now, and whenever you start feeling depressed about marriage etc, try reading that list. 

 

You can’t force your SO to want to marry you, and its foolish to try – the more you push, the more you are going to drive him away (by that I mean nagging, fighting, ultimatums etc – there’s nothing wrong with having a calm, honest conversation about where you both see your lives going). What you can do is start spending energy on yourself – work towards making yourself a happier person. There’s a good chance that if you do that and take some of the pressure off your SO then marriage will happen, and even if it doesn’t, you’ve done something good for yourself and it’ll be easier to move on.

Post # 42
Member
1014 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
Stranger516:  You stated: 

I don’t care about the idea of marriage

I honestly don’t care if we ever get married.

<br />If you honestly don’t care, then why are you so adamant about getting engaged?  Perhaps your boyfriend realizes you’re all about the piece of jewelry and not about the commitment that goes along with it. 

Post # 43
Member
846 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

View original reply
carolinabelle:  +1 to your last line – it is not cool to use him for a free holiday then to dump him once you’ve gotten what you want. In fact I’d say its akin to prostitution – worse even as at least prostitutes are honest about what theyRe doing. 

Post # 44
Member
413 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
Stranger516:  

The worst thing you can do is compare your relationship to someone else’s.  Your SO has some very redeeming qualities.  Fiown your own way and forge your own path and you owe no one an explanation.  Do your relationship a favor and throw “shoulds” out the window!

 

Post # 45
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
aliciaspinnet:  I know, right?!? I couldn’t believe some PPs were suggesting that….to go on a trip, act normal and then come home and dump him? So, so gross.

OP, you cannot succumb to what others think of your life….you have to decide for yourself what *you* want, what *you* need, what *you* believe, and what*you* have in your relationship.  If you had that solid foundation in yourself, you’d have an answer for people who ask, “Why aren’t you engaged yet?” and you wouldn’t be distressed by people around you getting engaged.

I think you would benefit from professional help for the depression, the anxiety, the lack of self-assuredness and the compulsive obsession.

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