Post # 1
My 25 year old friend has been dating her bf for 7 years. She just called me crying saying that if he wanted to marry her, he would. They are not in the best circumstances. I tried to tell her that timing was important but she’s fine with a cheaper ring and courthouse wedding. All she wants is to be married and spend the rest of her life with him. I just hung up but it’s hard for me to tell her that he’s being reasonable. They have been dating for a while and essentially the only thing they will have to pay for is the wedding. They could combine their finances and make things easier. I just don’t think he is ready then. Help? Will call her back tomorrow when she’s better.
Post # 3
I agree it sounds like he really isn’t ready, in which case she should probably cut her losses!
Post # 4
I been with my SO for close to ten years, there has been many events in our lives, many when he was having mentally ill turns. Yes there has been times I was certain he would never marry me or propose. Or considered it.
Yet there have been times where he will say out of the blue, when we get married or have kids. One time he did propose and I said no.
I take each day as it comes, I have a feeling that he will propose but for now there is things to sort out in our personal selves.
Just tell your friend to take a step back, he will propose when he is ready. There must be something on in his life that he just hasn’t thought about marriage.
Post # 5
I agree with her. If he wanted to marry her he would, regardless of circumstances. I’d just be there for her to listen to her, take her out to get her mind off it, etc.
Post # 6
@southernbelle381: I think you’re friend is right…if he wanted to marry her he would have done so by now. I’d move on if I were her.
Post # 7
At seven years, I have to agree.
Post # 8
I think she might be right! Especially if they’re both out of college/financially independent.
I can get dating for 10 or 15 years if both parties are happy with that situation! But if he can see she’s THAT unhappy and he’s doing nothing to change the situation? I don’t think he’s ready. Not that he’ll never propose, but she could have another 10 years to wait!
Post # 9
@southernbelle381: I personally think 7 years is way too long to wait for a marriage proposal, especially if she’s 25. Even these days people do longer engagements, if he wanted to show his intent to marry her someday. It’s never about money. Letting someone know how much you want to spend the rest of your life with them doesn’t cost a thing. If he hasn’t made that abundantly clear in 7 years, it’s either not going to happen or it won’t be everything she was hoping for.
Post # 10
If they are not in the best circumstances I dont understand why she is so upset about it. Timing really is key. He could want to marry her but knows its not an ideal moment. Have they ever talked about it? If theyve been together that long she should have an idea where it stands.
I have a friend who has been with her bf for 7 years and she is desperate to be married. They just bought their house but still no ring. He’s not sure if he wants to be married at all!
Post # 11
He doesn’t sound like he wants to get married. Your friend is right. She knows her man and is coming to grips with a dream that is not just deferred, but may not ever happen. I would just listen to her and not try to sway her into believing a proposal is coming soon or ever (if circumstances improved) unless you know for sure.
Post # 12
@southernbelle381: I can relate to your friend’s situation almost exactly!
My boyfriend and I started dating when I was 17 and he was 18, we were together for about 6 years before the engagement thing started to weigh on my mind.
Suddenly at 23, half of my grade from school were engaged/married and they’d only been with their boyfriends for 1-2 years. It is definitely hard to watch! Then the same thing again at 25, a huge wave or proposals.
I did some googling about the situation and every single answer was ‘leave him’, ‘he’s never going to do it, if he was going to then he would have’.
Against all the advice, I stayed with him because he really is the love of my life and I wanted to wait until he was ready and never wanted to force a proposal out of him – I don’t believe it’s the right way to begin a marriage.
Anyway, it turns out the waiting was worth it! He just proposed after 8.5 years (and completely suprised me) in the most romantic way in Paris. Now when I look back, I can see that initially he wasn’t ready but always knew he wanted it eventually.
My advice would be for her to sit down with him and just ask “do you think marriage is in our future?”.
If she wants more of an idea of the timeline maybe she could say something like..”I just want to know a rough timeline of when you think it could happen for us, I don’t want to put any pressure on you but am wondering if you could see it happening within the next 18 months?”
If she is actually considering leaving him over it, she shouln’t threaten him with it either 🙂
Post # 13
@southernbelle381: it took 8.5 years for FH to propose – my 30th birthday. There were a lot of reasons we waited – sometimes mutally, more times me VERY impatiently. I knew we would get married, we talked about it frequently, I just got impatient – especially the last year as we were beyond the original timeline we had agreed on.
I’m sure there are people who thought I should cut my losses and leave, but I knew in my heart that I couldn’t leave, I love him, I want to be with him, and I knew we would get married when the timing was right. we’re getting married in May, after 9.5 years of dating – it’s a long time but it works for us.
Post # 14
@southernbelle381: I don’t think we have enough facts here to decide whether or not he actually wants to marry her. You said they’re in bad circumstances right now. Without knowing the background of their relationship and the circumstances they’re currently in, I really have no way of knowing whether her boyfriend wants to marry her or not.
I get the impression they’re having financial issues. Maybe that makes buying even a “cheaper” ring out of the question. Sounds to me like they should have a discussion about what they both want out of the relationship and to work from there.
I guess I’m echoing the PPs who said they waited long times for proposals…if she’s sure she wants to be with him, waiting may not be the worst idea.
Post # 15
As far as I’m concerned, your friend is right. After being together for 7 years, he’s had plenty of time to determine whether or not he wants to marry his girlfriend. At this point, he should have at least mentioned his intentions and they should have talked about their plans for the future. While I believe that stability and money are important in a marriage, there are people who get married without money every day. She doesn’t mind getting married in the courthouse or having an inexpensive ring, so funding a wedding is a non-issue. Commitment is the current issue, and after 7 years if he can’t commit, it’s not going to happen.
She clearly wants to get married, and I’m sure she’s told her SO. The phrase “If he wanted to marry me, he would” is entirely applicable here. It’s not fair to have her waiting around for years for a proposal that isn’t going to happen. She’s come to realise that and is having a hard time dealing with it and coming to terms with the fact that if she wants to get married, it won’t be to her love of 7 years.
Post # 16
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
I disagree with some PPs. At 25, even if you’ve been with your partner for 7 years, you may not be ready for marriage. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner, you’re maybe just not at the point in life where marriage seems like the right move.
I had been with my now-husband for 12 years by the time we got engaged. We wanted to be settled down with careers and a house when we got married. But we’re both pretty adventurous people and both got multiple degrees, so that took until the 30 mark. But we were always head over heels in love, and we are super duper happily married.
It was very important to my husband to feel like he was financially prepared to be the head of a family… your friends bf may feel the same way.