(Closed) “If he were your husband, not just your boyfriend, that’s a different story.”

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee

@authentic:Do what I do, call him your “un-hubby”! Sounds like you’re in the same boat most of us WaitingBees are, in that you’re everything but actual husband and wife. I like it b/c it’s a little *wink wink, nudge nudge* that’s fun and not to much like a nag. And it’s a convo starter too, usually gets a few chuckles from most people. I feel silly as well, being 30 and calling him my “boyfriend”, so I know how you feel. 

Post # 4
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

That was totally uncalled for on your boss’s part. He has no business commenting on your relationship status. Obviously, you can’t change policy, but he should have been a lot nicer about it. You could take it to your HR dept, if you felt like playing hardball, and he’d probably get talked to about making inappropriate comments.

As for what to call your Boyfriend or Best Friend, I think you should refer to him as your “partner.” If you’re living together it’s totally appropriate, and (to me) it sounds more serious than Boyfriend or Best Friend. Also, you could look to see if your company has any policies on domestic partnerships – I know my company does; if you fill out the company DP form, the company treats you and your partner as spouses, in terms of insurance, leave, bereavement, etc (I do work for a very “liberal” company). Might be something to look into to see if your company does something similar. Also, if your state registers domestic partnerships, that might be something to look into as well. Then, if you have further issues, you have a piece of paper to wave at your boss.

Post # 5
Member
2588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Your boss made an ass of himself, plain and simple. There is no need to comment on an employee’s marital status. I’d go to HR just to eff with him, but that’s me. 😉

I agree with liltwinstar–“partner” seems to be like a pretty good word to describe him. “Unhubby” is cute, too.

Post # 6
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Yeah, he was out of line.  Commonlaw and marriage are treated as the same thing here, in terms of benefits and things like that.  I think when a couple is living together for a certain period of time, they practically ARE married.

Post # 7
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

I totally know what you mean. My cousin is getting married in Oct and she didnt invite mine or my sister’s BF–even though both of us have been with our dudes longer than the bride and groom.  We know we are getting married, we just dont have the piece of paper that says we are. I don’t think it is fair that they weren’t invited, though. If we were married they would have been able to come.  And when my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I get married, it will be expected that my cousin and her husband both come, so what is the difference? I understand money issues and all, but she is inviting 400 PEOPLE–YEs, 400!! I dont think 2 more would hurt! AND we are family!!

As to what to call him, you could say Partner, but it can sound either cowboy-ish or some people only use it for same-sex couples and that could be confuisng in your situation (not that there is anything wrong with using that term).

It’s frustrating and I think a lot of us have been there. It sucks that society has come to a point where it’s just not that easy to get married as it used to be.  Now people have heavy college debt and houses can be really expensive, plus numerous other bills.  It makes it really hard in these situations when you know you are with The One but just dont have the document to prove it. Definitely not fair.

Post # 8
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think in general it’s fair to have a policy like that because it SHOULD matter that two people made the legal commitment. But since you are common law and consider yourselves married in spirit that should be respected, if not by specific policy by your boss who cares about you.

Post # 8
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Our company has a similar policy. FH’s aunt passed and I wanted to go to the funeral out of state with him but I couldn’t, if we were married I could. I read up on the policy and whats even more upsetting In My Humble Opinion is that lets say we were in a same sex relationship, he (or I guess he’d be a she) could actually be the one to pass away and I wouldn’t get bereavement for that and could even be denied time off. I found that upsetting and its not even a rule that personally effects me.

Post # 10
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Speaking from an HR standpoint – the reason that marriage is a required status for most bereavement policies is to prevent fraud and excessive bereavement days taken.  I’m not saying you in particular or anyone else on this board is who I am talking about but – boyfriend is a very transient term.  If you as an ee for a company went through a few boyfriends and each of their grandmothers passed while you were with them and you took a breavement day(s) each time – the company has to eat that money.  If it was a husband, then it’s limited because it’s just one family as opposed to a few families.

Most companies typically have husband/common law marriage (if it’s legal in your state)/same sex partner type wording in their policies, but obviously not all.

I know that it sounds harsh what he said, and I don’t think that was the best way to handle it on his part…but you have to look at it from both sides as far as the policy goes.

I’m really sorry to hear about your SO’s uncle, and that you weren’t able to be there with him during this difficult time.

Hopefully I won’t be bashed for this – I’m just putting another view point out there.

Post # 11
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

After reading over the posts again – it seems that you’re more peeved with the term boyfriend than the policy itself.  And I totally agree, I don’t think that’s an accurate term to use in your situation – nor in a lot of the ladies’ situations on these boards.  I agree with the poster that said the term “partner” would be a more accurate statement.  If he’s on your benefits, then your state recognizes common law marriages and so should your HR department and your boss.

Sorry you’re dealing with this whole issue – hopefully it will get better soon 🙂

Post # 13
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2011

i hear ya. my bf himself was in a scooter accident (sounds lame, but he face planted off of a vespa and really messed himself up: no helmet, of course) earlier this year and my boss gave me grief about taking a day off when i had to take him to the hospital– because he’s only my Boyfriend or Best Friend. even though…. his family lives 100 miles away and he bashed his face in and couldnt drive and i essentially was his primary caregiver… good grief. Undecided but like southerntulip noted, these things are written the way they are for a reason– there always has to be the few rule breakers messing it up for the larger population.

 

sorry to hear the news. my heart definitely goes out to your boyfriend and you.

Post # 14
Member
1315 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@geewhizz: sorry, but your boss is a jackass, is the only possible response to that!

Post # 15
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m not waiting anymore, but I wanted to ask a question.  If you are married by common law, why don’t you consider him your husband?  I don’t live in a state with common law marriages any more, so I’m not really familiar with it.

The topic ‘“If he were your husband, not just your boyfriend, that’s a different story.”’ is closed to new replies.

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