(Closed) If his parents don’t help……

posted 10 years ago in Money
Post # 32
Member
950 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree completely with @qui40067… the OP is venting & is allowed to do so according to her situation.  I also agree with how @qui40067 handled her situation, as it is VERY similar to how Fiance & I handled our situation in reverse.  For us, MY family is rather TERRIBLE with money, & while wanting to be generous, in the last two years, my mom (without my dad’s knowledge or permission) has asked to borrow money from myself & my big sister to help her cover the mortgage (as soon as my dad found out, he insisted that my mom pay us back; which she did, but my sis & I are both NOT cashing the checks until much later)…there’s NO way Fiance & I were EVER going to ask my parents to contribute to the wedding.  On a related note, we didn’t want to ask FI’s parents to contribute any of THEIR ample money, b/c like the OP, they think whoever contributes makes the decisions…and Fiance & I are rather independent.  So, our solution: WE pay for our wedding in full; both sets of parents host a RD; both sets of parents were allowed to suggest 8 people (total of 16 of our 70 guests) that the wanted to invite; we have veto power over those 16.  As a completely separate gift, my dad (who is now much more involved in the money) is not letting Fiance & I pay my parents back for the leis they are bringing from Hawaii & FI’s parents are generously paying for our honeymoon…neither gift of generosity has come with strings attached.

Post # 33
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

We are paying for it all ourselves, and we made three main columns, excluding bridal party and bridal party SO. One column was his family. One was my family and one was friends, and we made all three equal, so no one got out of hand.

Post # 34
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

“Whatever!!! This is a tough economy and I’ll be darned if I am going to pay for a cousin’s friend’s nephew of my fiance to come when I (or my parents pay for it).”

So you don’t know who is paying yet? I think you need to figure that out before you go off the deep end ๐Ÿ˜‰ 

Honestly, contrary to the belief, the wedding day isn’t just about the bride. It’s a day for family and friends–not only your family and friends but also the F&F your fiance. He needs to also have his family there–even if he says otherwise, family is so important, more important than money or arguments about the wedding.

Also, if it’s so expensive, why not just have an outdoor wedding on the beach, or in the park! Hell, even go to city hall! 

I think what you need to do is sit down and figure things out, get everyone together to talk about the budget and the wedding. You still have quite a ways to go before everything is set in stone.

Post # 35
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@ Gingercurls – you said, He needs to also have his family there–even if he says otherwise, family is so important, more important than money or arguments about the wedding.

So I shouldn’t believe my Fiance when he says he absolutely agress with our newly changed, tiny wedding that excludes all his aunts, uncles and cousins?

Post # 36
Member
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I kind of agree with the OP if its about friends of FI’s parents that you dont know/ see regularly. But if its your FI’s aunts/uncles then they should be invited.

My parents are paying for %100 of our wedding. FH only wanted to invite 16 people including +1’s. Future Mother-In-Law was kind of upset  but he NEVER sees his family (we all live within 20 mins hes just not intrested) and thats all he wanted to invite.

I made it VERY clear to both sides before the wedding planning started that we did not want “random” people at the wedding. This is our wedding not my parents or his parents wedding.

Post # 37
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Whoops, I missed a comment by the OP–so you Fiance doesn’t care??? Well, that kind of changes things, my apologies for thinking differently. Hopefully you work this out and hopefully they won’t be too offended and maybe this will make them want to help out.

If they are understanding, that’s great, if not, well, be prepared to have a very sour relationship with your in-laws. 

@Bee Ah, no, he agrees with you that a small wedding is fine, and if he’s not close to his extended family that’s fine, I was under the impression that the OP hadn’t discussed this with her fiance yet.

To me, family is very important, extended and otherwise. We’ve had a a wonderful year, but these passed few months have been really hard on my fiance and I, so I apologize if my comment upset anyone, I’ve been in a mental fog the passed few days, haven’t been thinking 100% clearly.

Post # 38
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

No problem Gingercurls ! Its funny though, everyone can comment on a post based solely on what’s quickly written. The whole story behind our lives would make everyone’s advice a bit different I think ๐Ÿ˜‰

Post # 39
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think when you plan to spend the rest of your life with your FH, you have to pick and chose your battles regarding families. I understand you say your FH doesn’t care, but in regards to your in-laws you said “I’m not sure how they feel. And to be honest, I don’t really care.”

They are going to be hurt. This is their son’s wedding. And regardless of who is paying, TWO families are being merged together.

Parents don’t have to pay for weddings – neither the bride’s parents or the groom’s parents have any requirement to pay for anything. They shouldn’t be punished for not doing something they don’t need to do. I undertand not inviting the third-cousin-twice-removed that no one has talked to in 10 years, but to say they can’t invite anyone on his side, besides themselves?

If you feel this is the battle to wage, then so be it. I worry that you’re going to create a lot of hurt feelings though, at the start to your marriage. Good luck.

Post # 40
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Fiance and I have decided to have 100 people on the guest list.  We’ll invite as many people we want and the leftovers, if any, will get split evenly between the parents.  Fair?  Maybe not, but whatever.  We are including family in our lists and the people that WE want there.  We don’t particular care about our parents’ friends who we barely know.  We are paying for everything ourselves anyway.  We told them that if they want more guests, they can pay for those guests.  (We are making sure our venue can hold more than 100 people just in case)

Post # 41
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think that this is your fiances and your day alone. I personally don’t believe in family paying for your wedding wether they have money or not. They can give you presents thats all ok but brides-to-be acutally expecting thier parents and in-laws to pay for percentages or even all of the wedding is totaly ridiculous. There not the ones getting married you are. If you are getting married its because you are an adult and can make this decision. Where I come from adults pay for their wants and needs whethere its for your daily lives or an occasion like your wedding. Im trying not to be judgemental and putting everyone in the same boat. alot of you are really nice and super cool women, but as I read alot of comments that are made I find that people are EXTREEMLY selfish and  really spoiled- talking about who pays for what, whos invited and where and the price of the toliet paper roll that your great aunt gave you and how cheap she was. I mean we all want the same thing…No??? we all want our very special day proving to the people that we love the undiying love that we have for our fiance’s why is everyone making this so complicated? 

It is your day, if you are paying for it then you chose  who is invited, the flowers, dress, and anyother items needed. But if your are using other peoples money then expect them to make decisions. It does work the other way as well, if people are not happy with the decisions that you make well you just have to tell them straight out. If people really respect you and you respect them in the way you put things then there should not be a problem.

have a nice day everyone!!! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Post # 42
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

LYBYANA, I have to respectfully disagree with you.  I hate when people say, “it’s the bride and grooms day”… it’s not JUST about the bride and groom getting married, it’s about the joining of two families also… if it were JUST about the bride and groom, they could go to city hall and get married by themselves.  I don’t feel there is anything wrong with family contributing to help pay for the wedding, especially when the parents have certain ideas of how the wedding should be, and believe me, they do LOL.. but expecting it is a different story, I agree with you there.  I think some brides just expect it because that was normal in their social circle growing up, or some parents say that they will, and then don’t, etc.  I think if parents want to help their kids out by helping to pay for the wedding, and they can afford to, I dont see whats wrong with that?  I wouldn’t consider it spoiling or anything like that as long as they were grateful for it.  Its the same thing when some parents pay for their kids education, or a car, etc… in most cases, a young couple starting out does not have the money that their parents will have, so they offer to help.  As for parents paying for percentages, if they’re inviting their friends that you’ve never even met before, why can’t they help fund that?  I think a lot of it depends on a couples age too.  Back in my parents day, they were getting married at 19, 20 years old, so they didn’t have much money, and the parents paid… now that tradition still carries on somewhat, even though people are getting married a bit older, and have had more time to save.

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