(Closed) If I was your mother-in-law…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
46607 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

For me, it depends on when the wedding is. If it is close, I would suck it up, keep quiet and not mention it. I would not want the bride and groom to be upset right before the wedding.

If the wedding is not close, I would definitely talk with the two of them. How are they supposed to knwo they hurt you if you don’t tell them?

Post # 4
2701 posts
Sugar bee

I think you need to say something-after the wedding of course so you don’t implode with emotion hun. I am sorry they hurt you so deeply. I think we could give you better advice if we knew what the issue was, but I definitely understand you not wanting to describe the situation. I am sorry you are in this predicament. Is it possible it is a misunderstanding? I have had quite a few misunderstandings with my Future Mother-In-Law and because we love each other so much, we have talked them out accordingly.

Post # 5
2790 posts
Sugar bee

It’s extremely difficult to give suggestions based off of such little information. If I don’t know what the situation actually is I cannot give the best advice. Can you share even a smidgen more?

Post # 6
1109 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It’s hard considering we don’t know what you’re upset about. If it were something most people may think isn’t that bad then I wouldn’t tell them. If it’s something that would hurt anyone without a doubt then tell them. If you know you can get over it alone then do. It sounds like they had no idea it hurt you and had no intention of hurting you so how long can you hold it against them for? Try reminding yourself that wedding planning takes up a lot of people’s time an attention and if you recognize this action as an oversight or a lack of attention to your feelings then you can get past the feeling of taking it personally.

I guess I would only want to know if it’s something I can fix.

I understand what you’re saying about trying to keep your feelings to yourself but you feel like you can’t keep it from coming through in your voice, but please understand that that will most likely come across as you being passive agressive without you meaning for it to.

Post # 7
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Grrr, the ‘bee ate my (lengthy) post. I’ll try again.

Whatever happened must have been pretty awful for you to even consider not attending the wedding. Please, don’t do that. You’ll make the rift permanent.

I would think about what you want in this situation, moving forward, and take action based on that. Is this something that can be changed/fixed? Do you want an apology? If it’s an apology that you’re after, a calm, collected conversation should accomplish that. Keep in mind, though, that your son and DIL might not see things as you do.

As a DIL, I would want to know if my Mother-In-Law felt this way – with two caveats. First, that she go into the conversation with the understanding that I would never do anything malicious to her. Second, that she be willing to set her hurt aside and move past this if it’s something that I can’t change (although I would, of course, apologize for hurting her).

Post # 8
5667 posts
Bee Keeper

Honestly I don’t think I could give any advice or input without knowing the situation. Sorry you’re feeling this way.

Post # 9
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m sorry you’re feeling horrible, but like other posters said, it’s hard to say with out knowing what it’s about. It also will depend how you’re going to bring it up. It’s likely just a misunderstanding.

Post # 11
1109 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Maybe you could approach it in a totally not dramatic way and say “I know I’m in a highly emotional state right now with the wedding coming up and you guys are very busy so I understand why this happened, but when you __________ I felt left out. I just wanted to tell you because I was upset and I would rather have it off of my chest than act upset and have you thinking I’m not being up front with you.” 

The only problem is the bride may be reeeeeally stressed and may have an even more sensitive response to hearing that than you had to the initial slight that started this all. It just depends on how important it is to you that you get an apology.

Like you said, it was done with no bad intentions so your relationship is as special as you thought it was with your DIL, she still loves you, she just made a mistake… and doesn’t even realize it.

Good luck!

Post # 12
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I think you should tell your son/FDIL.  For a couple of reasons:

  1. You think they didn’t mean to.
  2. It will probably come out at some point and for me I would be more embarrassed you were keeping it from me for so long rather than just say.
  3. I would rather have time to make it right before the wedding where I could fix it
  4. You should never feel horrible for feeling a certain way and I think being honest would/could actually make your relationship stronger.

I wish I knew more what happened and then I could suggest who you should talk to about it and how.  But overwhelmingly I think you should say something.

Post # 13
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@Talishazwi: Agreed.

You should talk to your son about whatever it is that’s bothering you. Make sure you don’t use accusatory language, and hopefully he will understand and help you feel better.

Post # 14
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

First I say kudos for trying so hard to be a good Mother-In-Law. I had a horrible one(think monsterinlaw movie) so I don’t take that for granted. Secondly I think a calm discussion might be in order here. If they missed an important event of yours maybe they can make up for it later. Keeping things in rarely helps. It comes out in many subtle negative ways and then they might think you are being overly dramatic. Transparentness is the best way to go. 

I truly sorry you are hurting and send you a warm hug over the internet. MIL/DIL relationships are tricky but I am excited to see someone trying so hard.Smile

Post # 15
883 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@r0ddysm0m: I really want to know the details before I can say for sure. I usually lean towards telling people things, especially when it is family. My FI’s family does the bottle up emotions thing and it just gets really destructive to all relationships. My family talks/argues it out and we move past it. I think since you have a few weeks until the wedding now is the best time so that everyone is happy on the big day. You don’t need to be mean or harsh, I like how @Moja Milosc: worded it.

Post # 16
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@r0ddysm0m:  Hi there.  Obviously, not knowing details… my gut is to let it go.  It sounds like you were very upset about something you expected them to do.  They did not live up to the expectations (whether reasonable or not) and that’s why you were disappointed.

Whether or not it warrents you not going to the wedding is unclear.  You say it wasn’t malicious and because of that I’m going to assume your feelings were reactive – meaning:  you felt hurt and therefore want to hurt them back in someway.

Bottom line:  no one is perfect.  We all make mistakes and sometimes inadvertently cause hurt to those we love.  I would definitely not say anything to them right now.  I would chalk up their behavior to being overwhelmed and perhaps a little self-absorbed with the upcoming wedding.  

If it still bothers you in a few months, then perhaps say something.  But even then – will saying anything REALLY change anything?  Meaning – is their behavior indicative of their character?  Or was it out of character?  In the end: you can express to them how you felt but that may not necessarily change their actions.  If whatever did or didn’t happen is typical for them than maybe it’s just them.  For instance:  my brother and his wife never acknowledge my mother’s bday – even though b’days are important to her and she always achknowledges theirs and their 3 kids.  It drives me crazy and it’s super upsetting to her – but what can she do?  Nothing. It’s not going to change them and suddenly make them caring in this way…. 

You can only control what’s in your control – meaning, your own hurt, disappointment, and future expectations.  Good luck to you in the coming weeks.  If you’d like to PM me with more details, I’d be happy to listen.

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