Post # 1
I recently had a miscarriage at 8 weeks into my pregnancy. I chose to go thought the process naturally and not get a D&C. I felt so alone as a woman (my husband was SUPER supportive through the whole thing though). I felt broken and scared through the process. Things were happening to my body that I felt was not normal. The cramps, the pain (both physically and emotionally), the bleeding, the saddness; it was all so overwhelming. Little by little as I started to share with people, they had stories about miscarriage as well. Either they themselves had one or someone close to them had one. I had no idea! Why does it feel like miscarriage is such a secret? It is not talked about openly at all.
I personally heal better by talking about things like this! I am a very open person.
Have any of you had this experience too? Why is this so top secret?
I know it’s a painful process, but maybe it wouldn’t be if we all knew what to expect and everyone knew how common it really was.
Post # 3
Unfortunately, I think it’s one of those “taboo” subjects, like rape or abortion. Not many people will discuss their personal experiences with others unless they know the other person has also experienced it. I suppose miscarriages and so on are also experiences that are very personal to the individual, as usually only a handful of people are affected by a single misscarriage, so I guess there are many people that don’t know how to respond, or how to talk about it.
I’m not sure what you’re meant to say to someone that’s experienced a miscarriage, but I’m sorry for your loss and the pain you went through.
Post # 4
It’s a private, personal and painful thing to go through so I think that’s why women naturally don’t talk about it openly until someone close to them asks about it or needs support through a loss. I miscarried my first baby at 13 weeks and chose to do it naturally but after several weeks of nothing happening I was admitted for a D & C. If someone asked about my loss and experience I’d share it with them but it’s not something I’d talk about openly with just anyone.
Post # 5
@LadyElva: Thank you :o) You’re right about it being “taboo”. It’s a difficult thing that most don’t want to share I guess. Maybe I’m in the minority on wanting to share.
Post # 6
I’m sorry for your loss! I agree that it should be talked about more– knowing that a few of my friends had miscarriages made it easier to deal with mine.
However, I also chosenot to talk about mine. In my case, it was because we hadn’t told people we were trying, and I really didn’t want people looking at me and wondering if we were pregnant yet, if I’d had another miscarriage, etc. I ended up just telling two friends–one who already knew we were trying and one who I knew had had a loss as well.
Once we do get pregnant and tell everyone, I intend to be very open about my miscarriage, because I do think its really important to talk about!
Post # 7
@LizzieMo: I don’t think it’s so much not “wanting” to share – it’s just one of those things that people don’t necessarily know how to, given that it’s such a taboo topic. I think there are a few support groups out there for people who have had a miscarriage, so you’re definitely not alone in wanting to talk about it. I guess it’s just one of those topics that needs to come more into the public awareness for people to feel comfortable discussing it.
Post # 8
I thought about this recently as I had a loss myself. I don’t think that it’s tabboo as much as it’s a private thing. I think there are many reasons NOT to tell people about a loss for the following reasons:
1. People will constantly be concerned for you every month that you don’t get pregnant. I know I don’t want my family and friends taking on my own stress and worries.
2. People may constantly inquire if you’re okay (if you continue to not get pregnant), and bring up the subject that you probably don’t want to talk about!
3. People may feel uncomfortablel discussing their own children and/or TTC plans with you. And I don’t want people filtering themselves or stepping on egg shells around me.
Post # 9
I’m not there yet with trying to have children but I am also very bothered by the hush-hush about miscarriages. I think it is sad that women do not always feel comfortable talking about it, although I do see the many reasons why people may be unomfortable talking about it. I had no idea how common it was and that’s something I wish my mom or someone else shared with me. I also wish women talked about it more because as someone who plans on having children I want to know what to expect. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I wonder if it might be a little less painful if we knew it was so common and were able to expect that it may likely happen and know what to expect when it happened.
Post # 10
As someone who has never been pregnant and has no children, I really wish people would talk about this more! It’s such a sensitive topic and I feel like healing happens faster when you don’t feel alone.
My cousin had a really hard time STAYING pregnant, she had multiple miscarriages (not always really early, and with no medical reason!) and she never said a word to us (not even that they were trying), it wasn’t until shortly before she got pregnant with her daughter that she opened up about the struggles to a few family members, my heart absolutely went out to them. I just can’t imagine what going through that “alone” must have been like for them, if only they had felt comfortable to talk about it… Maybe it would have made coping a bit easier.
My heart goes out to each and every one of you who is dealing with this or have experienced a loss before.
Post # 11
@KateByDesign: I worry about people walking on eggshells around me too. I don’t want that to happen. Of course i’m sad about the whole thing but I can still talk about babies and be happy for others if they get pregnant. I still talk about “when we have a baby” just like before the miscarriage. I would hate for people to feel like they couldn’t talk to me about that because they might hurt me.
@nawella: & @wandering_gypsy: I felt the same way. I had a very “it could never happen to me” attitude about the whole thing. We jumped the gun by telling a lot of people that we were pregnant very early in our pregnancy. I know the norm is to wait until the 3rd month to tell everyone, know i know why. I probably would have waited to tell everyone if i knew how common it really was.
Post # 12
I don’t think its taboo, but it is very personal, and i suppose people don’t talk about it as it can be very traumatic and emotional for the person who has experienced it. There’s enough things to worry about during pregnancy than to dwell on every little twinge and assume the worst is happening, so I think most women, tho they know its possible, prefer not to dwell on any negatives. The receiver of the news is likely to not know what to say other than ‘I’m so sorry’.
My own Mom had 4 of them and I never knew about it until I was well into adulthood. I was shocked, but it just wasn’t something she thought her kids should know about. I’m not even sure she told any of her sisters either, as it was just something too personal to share. Maybe she felt they would pity her or that there was something wrong with her? When she told me about them, she cried as much as she probably did when they happened, so I know it affected her deeply.
I’m sorry for your loss and hopefully it comforts you somewhat to discuss it openly.
Post # 13
Its a very private & personal thing. Many women are sensitive about the subject & just don’t wish to relive the memory. I had 3 all different & all very hard on me physically & emotionally. I only talk about it when I know someone who’s had one.
Post # 14
I’m so sorry for your loss..
I’ve never had a miscarriage but am currently pregnant. If something were to happen though and I miscarried, I don’t think I’d want to talk about it openly with anyone except family and a few close friends, especially not right away..
Different people grieve differently. Some people perhaps don’t talk about it because it’d be like they’re reliving the moment.
I’m part of the December 2013 Babies thread and my heart aches every time someone posted that their baby didn’t make it.. it’s usually followed by them stating that they’re leaving weddingbee for a while.. I can completely understand though. If it were me, I’d probably just want to curl up in a corner somewhere and silently grieve.. Reading about other people’s pregnancies I’m sure won’t help either. Maybe if there were a section dedicated to Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss, people that are open to talking will.. at least here on the message boards..
Post # 15
@KateByDesign: You took the words right out of my mouth. Definitely more personal than taboo.
I also don’t see the point of telling other people because unless they’ve been in that situation, they likely have very few helpful things to say. When I miscarried last month I only told 3 people other than my husband; I still managed to hear a range of dismissive and quite frankly upsetting remarks from “At least you can get pregnant.” -as if that was the only goal to “You can try again next month” and “It could be worse”. The grief of a lost pregnancy really falls on deaf ears, in my experience. If I were to lose another I wouldn’t tell anyone except for my husband. It’s just not helpful.
Post # 16
@LizzieMo: First, I’m so sorry about your miscarriage.
Second, this is one of my serious concerns, too. I had a reunion with my mission team a couple years ago. We’re all VERY open with each other and so I knew that most of the married women had miscarriages at some point. One night one of the girls brought it up while the guys were in the room and sure enough- almost all their wives have had miscarriages too. I don’t know why no one talks about it. In my mission circle it’s more common, but outside very religious pro-life circles, it just isn’t mentioned. I don’t understand. It’s not shameful, it happens to MOST women at some point.
I think it’s good that you’re talking to people privately about it. It’s good for you and for them!