Post # 1
Is the ‘badness’ of snooping cancelled out if you find something?
One scenario: you have reasons to be suspicious and want to snoop in results of this past experience because trust is shaky
Two scenario: you don’t really have any concrete reason but you’re given the chance to snoop by accident; IE: SO leaves his FB open, or you stumble across a file on the shared computer.
You snoop, you find nothing. You feel guilty. You get caught. SO gets furious with you and you agree as you think you’ve done something wrong
You snoop and you find the motherload. You CONFRONT your SO and instead of fessing up, apologizing, etc, your SO still gets furious with you and accuses you of being a crazy lunatic, etc.
My question: If you snoop and find something, is the act of snooping still wrong? Or does ‘snooping’ get a free pass and lose it label if you find stuff?
ETA: even though you’ve found out your worst fears, does the bad acts you’ve discovered get a free pass because they were found out from the results of snooping?
Post # 3
I don’t think there’s any free passes in snooping, regardless of the circumstances. There’s always a consequence no matter what, but IMO if you were so suspicious of something to snoop from the beginning, that means that you should’ve just trusted your gut and moved on instead of searching for the problem. If the snooping was completely unfounded and nothing was found, then YOU are the one with the issue and have a trust issue, which isn’t fair to your partner.
*By ‘you’, I don’t mean YOU – I mean the ‘general you’. 🙂 Just wanted to clear that up.
Post # 4
If you have had trust issues from your previous relationship, well then sneeking isn’t bad. You need to reassure yourself that everything is fine.
With that said though, if you have a gut feeling that something is going on. I would snoop. No doubt!
I don’t think it’s wrong. My ex always used to call me crazy when I found things. Always lied to get me thinking otherwise. Made me feel like I was losing my mind. If you have the proof use it and then lose him. Don’t ever let him weasle his/her way out, because the explaination is usually bull.
Post # 5
With my recent events, I found out the motherload by snooping. I therefore don’t feel guilty of snooping, but the ex is trying to just gloss over what was discovered as he is saying snooping is nuts, monitoring, etc.
I find it …. perplexing.
Post # 6
My policy: Just don’t snoop. @KristenGettingMarried explained it better than I can put into words, so I’ll just second her answer 🙂
Post # 7
What did u find?
If she/he has a gut feeling, why aren’t you allowed to follow it. If people didn’t use their senses they might not have found out that they were being cheated upon.
Post # 8
I think it’s still wrong no matter what is found. But in the event something is found, it shouldn’t become the focus of the conversation. If you find out he’s cheating, the wrongness of the cheating isn’t then negated because you snooped. The cheating should still be the focus but the fact that the snooping was wrong should at least be acknowledged. I think it’s one of those situations where the guiltier party could easily try to distract the accuser by changing the topic to “well, you snooped” to avoid having to acknowledge that they were caught red-handed doing x, y, or z bad thing. Both parties were wrong. But that shouldn’t distract from the primary offense.
Post # 9
I totally feel if you are snooping and find something than you had every right to be snooping and you have every right to confront him on it and shouldnt be mad to feel guilty or crazy or wrong for snooping.. Its not like you didnt have reason clearly you were proven right by it. A friend of mine was snooping in her boyfriends email..found out he cheated on her..and she wouldnt confront him or break up with him over it because she was afraid she would look pyscho for going in his email and my exact response was BULLSH$#% If you snooped and found nothing and he caught you you would look psycho but you snooped and found so you were right.. screw that! I would totally saying
Post # 10
There are no ‘free passes’. There just aren’t. Squash that idea right now.
I think snooping gets more of a bad rap than it deserves, honestly. Obviously there are exceptions and chronic snooping b/c of inability to trust is deeply problematic. But in most cases I think snooping happens b/c of deep underlying problems, and very often the snooper is right not to trust and it leads to the end of a bad relationship. So while it’s not ideal or something to be proud of, I think that it often leads to a painful but necessary and ultimately beneficial result.
However, once you’ve found something as a result of snooping, confrontation and pointing fingers and each person accusing the other of the greater wrong achieves nothing. Yes, the one who violated trust and got caught is at greater fault than the snooper. But it’s really just time to walk away instead of getting caught up in an ultimately pointless and destructive debate.
Post # 11
Snooping for me is iffy, because I have been in your situation with an ex where I snooped and discovered very inappropriate things that ultimately ended our relationship. But I knew something was going on, I just wanted to snoop to have concrete evidence in writing that he was in fact planning on meeting up with a girl, and lying to me about it. I think the only way I’d snoop is if:
1. I knew for a fact something was going on (as in, a friend saw him at a bar with another girl when he told me he was asleep or something)
2. If I confront him, he lies about it
3. I would be 100% prepared to end the relationship right after I present him with what I found. So pretty much I’d be prepared to end the relationship already, but if he acts flustered or confused, I’d have the emails in hand. Then it wouldn’t matter to me if he was angry at me for reading them, because we’d be breaking up anyway.
I do believe that the ends justify the means. That sounds bad, but in your case (and mine) we would have been lead on by someone for who knows how many months. So, yes, snooping is “bad.” But if you find something to justify it, AND you end the relationship (because it’s already damaged from both sides), I think it is acceptable.
Post # 12
It’s a cycle really. If you feel the need to snoop, there are obviously trust grounds to make somebody do it. If you snoop and find something bad, that will add more to the distrust and the need to snoop again.
It’s a spiral downwards really, but if you have a hunch somethings not right, then it may be the only way to find out the truth sometimes.
Post # 13
it’s still wrong to snoop, but it saved you from a lot MORE heart ache in the future.
I’ve been followig your story and your ex has some issues that you saved yourself from and i think you need to focus on that positive aspect.
Post # 14
I TOTALLY agree with you Jules0580! You know something isn’t right, you can feel it, you shouldn’t worry about he says. Especially if you found something. You used your sixth sense.
Post # 15
In My Humble Opinion, snooping is only an issue if you have something to hide. And what I mean by that is, if you honestly have an open and trusting relationship, #1 the snoopee will never be upset, because there was nothing to hide in the first place, and the #2 the snooper wouldn’t be snooping in the first place, or if they are “snooping”, it’s not with the intent to find something, it’s more of a “stumbled upon” scenario while looking for something else.
Example: if I’m texting someone back on my SO’s phone, when I get back to the main messages screen I’ll usually flip through to see who he’s been texting. I do this right in front of him. He doesn’t get mad, because there’s nothing to hide, and I’m not looking to catch him in something, I’m just nosy. LOL
Post # 16
sleepingbeauty88 Im the exact same way.. if I read my fiances texts its out of boredom..or nosiness..not that I suspect something.. we live together he wouldnt be dumb enough to leave cheating messages in his phone lol..I know hes not cheating.. but sometimes if hes in the shower and a text comes through Ill see who it is because maybe its shis sister or someone I will respond to then I might read them.. I also do it in front of him if Im bored..if we’re on a long car ride ill say can i see your phone and sometimes read them just to see what people are up to.. and hes read mine.. oddly enough he used to read mine when he htought he was being sneakyI would be able to tell hed been in my text messages because when i would turn on the phone and old message would be up.. I never said anything because it didnt bother me in the least..the reason it didnt bother me is because I have absolutely nothing to hide.