(Closed) If Snooping is Bad……

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think you did anything wrong at all. Snooping is wrong if you’resnooping just for the heck of it. But if there are any  suspicions then snooping is ok to get to the bottom of things. I think it would be rediculous to just end a relationship because there is some suspicion, without actually knowing for sure. We may have intuition, but that doesn’t mean it’s right and sometimes it’s worth it to look for more information.

I went through a similar situation as you. Near thebeginning of my relationship my husband (then bf) wasdeployed to Afghanistan with the CF. things were fine for awhile but around the midway mark he became really distant and was acting really weird. He had justwitnessed something horrible so I attributed his behavior change to that. I never assumed he would do anything because he was in the middle of a war, there were no females around his base. Well one day I sent him an email but I never got a reply, even after I had noticed he had been on Facebook. I decided to sign into his email (he had given me his password) to make sure he had gotten it because it had important information. When I opened his email I was really confused to see an email from another girl that had the subject “pictures for you ;)”. Im sorry but I don’t know anyone who can see that and not open the email. I opened it and was devastated to see that this girl had been sending naked pictures of herself to my bf while he was overseas. If I hadn’t opened that email I never would’ve known what was going on and so for me I felt like it was worth it tosnoop. Long story short but my bf apologized profusely and after counseling and a long time we’ve been able to rebuild the trust. Henever accused me of doing anything wrong bya snooping because he realizes that there would’ve been nothing for me to snoop at if he hadn’t been doing something wrong. 

I think that it’s horrible that he’s turning everything around on you because he was the ass who didsomething wrong and all you did was catch him. I’m really sorry he put you in this situation, and if you want to talk about anything feel free to PM me. 

Post # 18
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@WasiDuped: I just posted to your other post. Don’t respond to him, because he will still try to contact you for some dumb reason. I mean dumb because he cheated and yet wants to inform you of how he is feeling… Boooo whoooo for him! He did it so he can deal with his stupidity.

 

My ex tried to contact me on facebook last year. I nearly vomited when I saw his face come up as a friend request. BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK!!

 

You don’t need to hear from him.

Post # 19
Member
2082 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1993

Whilst I think snopping is unhealthy and probably creates more paranoia than answers questions, in your case, OP, if there are any free passes, you deserve a whole book of them.

Post # 20
Member
689 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m with the pro-following your gut group. If you feel like he is hiding something, then it is ok to see what’s going on. I guess the more honest way of going about it to ask to see his email account/ whatever you want to see. If you are in a committed closed relationship then there should be nothing to hide or you’re doing something wrong. Mister and I had this arguement a lot at first. I told him I had nothing whatsoever to hide and he knew all of my passwords. He wasn’t comfortable with me having the same liberties. The one and only time he did something wrong he told me before I could ever find out (and this was VERY early in the relationship and it took some work (say like 2 years) before I really trusted him fully. Now that we are engaged he mostly agrees with me. He lets me use his phone for the internet while he is on the computer and knows his FB is just a click away as his texts. It doesn’t bother him anymore. Cuz he has nothing to hide. Well…except the time I opened up the browser and it was a google search for “lord of the rings hentai”. He just got a good ribbing for that one lol!

Post # 22
Member
3622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think snooping is bad if you have a bad feeling that you’ll find something. And if you do find something, I agree with

View original reply
claireos that the conversation shouldn’t be about the snooping but about what you found.

Post # 23
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

View original reply
@WasiDuped: I think you should prepare to leave before he comes back. You have the time to pack things up in you own pace without someone yelling at you or putting you down.

Do you other bees agree?

Post # 24
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I definitely agree.. I would stay there and not pay for anything while I got my money together and got a place set up but I would be gone out totally out of contact and unreachable before he got back.

Post # 25
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@jules0580: exactly. his family will contact me through my phone if he doesn’t answer his, so things like that are definitely not out of the ordinary. and i’ve never been a snoop through internet history or the house either. IDK, I guess it just never occurred to me.

to the OP: i think that if there is a compulsion to “snoop”, then there is definitely something that needs to be addressed, whether there is anything to find or not. if you are not feeling trusting of your partner, you need to find out why, and you need to be open and discuss it. if the other person is offended, i’d take that as a good indicator that they’re hiding something, and move on.

Post # 27
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t snoop (but sometimes I’m tempted cause really, who isn’t sometimes?). One day I needed some information and he txt me from work all “oh well just go into my email and search until you find blah blah blah banking thingyum I needed” and I was SHOCKED! Say whaaaaa?? Free pass to rifle through my mans email? Just nothin to hide. I love it 😀

But I stay out of his stuff. If I ever TRULY though he was cheating on me though I’d be up in his business SO fast.  IM not about to play the fool just because ppl think “snooping isn’t polite”. Well guess what, neither is you man screwing your neighbors!

Post # 28
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t snoop (but sometimes I’m tempted cause really, who isn’t sometimes?). One day I needed some information and he txt me from work all “oh well just go into my email and search until you find blah blah blah banking thingyum I needed” and I was SHOCKED! Say whaaaaa?? Free pass to rifle through my mans email? Just nothin to hide. I love it 😀

But I stay out of his stuff. If I ever TRULY though he was cheating on me though I’d be up in his business SO fast.  IM not about to play the fool just because ppl think “snooping isn’t polite”. Well guess what, neither is you man screwing your neighbors!

Post # 29
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I cant say I have ever had this problem, My fiance and I share everything willingly, give over information, passwords etc. nothing is secret and thats just the way I like it

Post # 30
Member
1012 posts
Bumble bee

I think if a person feels the need to snoop then they have a huge trust issue.  I will honestly say when i first started dating my SO i snooped alot.  He was very patient.  He knew it was because i had been cheated on and lied to in the past.  After countless times i found nothing and then i stopped because i trust him completely.  

I’ve started snooping a bit because i know the ring is coming.  But even then i know he is not dumb enough to leave hints in his wallet or phone!! Goodness me.  BUt i think alot of the time if a girl has a feeling something is going on, and snoops and finds something, i dont see an issue.  They are only mad because they got caught. 

But if your snooping to find out if your ring is purchased like me (i need to stop and i know) then its rather silly. 

Just my 2 cents. 

Post # 31
Member
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I snooped once on my Fiance and found something that shocked me so bad.His computer was unlocked and I had an overwhelming sense that I should ‘look’ and that’s when I found it. I confronted him, and he was mad that I snooped, but he then opened up about a huge secret he had been keeping for a looooooong time (family related – nothing to do with me or us). Our relationship has been more trusting since then, I think, because he no longer had to hide this big secret.

I think it can go both ways. In my case, I was glad I snooped. But if I suspected cheating and felt the need to snoop, I probably wouldn’t stay in the relationship. I didn’t need to snoop on my ex to know he cheated. If I would have snooped I would have found out way more than I needed to know. I just got the facts (who and that he def. cheated) and then dumped him.

So really, it can be bad, and it can be good. Just depends on the scenario.

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