Post # 1
Were you OK with it? What did they do or not do that made you feel the way you did?
My fiance and I are planning to elope. Although there are a lot of little logistical complications that definitely make it the easier choice, the real reason we’ve chosen to elope is because we really just want it to be the two of us. That’s what feels most comfortable and authentic to who we are.
My sister is especially upset about the idea. I think what she really wants is for me to want her at the wedding soooooo much that it overrides what my fiance and I want and we decide to get married in whatever way pleases her best. I have tried to be really open with her about what we’re doing because she doesn’t want to be blindsided (her nightmare is that we show up one day and say “suriprise! we got married!”). But it’s hard to talk to her about our plans because she fixates on how much I’m hurting our parents (they insist they’re fine with the elopement), or how much our extended family will gossip about us, or just says really unkind things.
I am 100% sure this is the right choice for me and my fiance. I guess I’m just looking for some advice on what to do or say or not do or say to help my sister feel better about the whole thing.
(Also–I know my last post was over two years ago and yes, my ex and I got divorced. I tried to post a thing about my sister’s relationship with my fiance, which I’m sure is also contributing to her feelings about the elopement, but it got posted looking really weird and I deleted it and then didn’t have time to re-write the whole thing)
Post # 2
- Wedding: September 2020 - New Hampshire
If you know this is 100% the right choice, then follow your heart. You can’t make everyone happy. It’s not easy to come to terms with it, especially when it’s your family.
Post # 3
theonlywayisorange : I think when you make the decision to elope you have to go into it knowing some people are going to be upset or hurt by the decision because they want to be there for your special day. I doubt you’ll be able to change your sisters mind, I’d leave it be.
Post # 4
I’d just have a quick one time talk with her about it. It’s no surprise bc she knows you guys are planning to get married anyway. Itts not completely out of left field. If she wants the party, im sorry, but its not her decision to make. She can wait for her own marraige and wedding day lol. She should respect what you and your finace want. A party is a party.
Post # 5
Yes, I knew the date ahead of time and I was fine with it. Others were a bit hurt but I was fine with it. Now had some friends been included and not me I’d then be hurt.
Post # 6
If it were a friend and they invited no other friends, no. I wouldn’t be upset in the least (this has happened to me, so I know in practice I would merely be happy for them.) I guess it wouldn’t bother me because it wouldn’t suggest to me I was less important than other people in that role in their life. I could still think of myself as very much one of their people.
But honestly, if my sibling hadn’t wanted me at their wedding, I would have been sad. I would have hid it so they didn’t know because I love them, but it would have hurt a lot. It would have felt like they were saying I wasn’t important to them in some way (honestly, I would have felt that even if my sibling just didn’t ask me to participate in the actual ceremony). But maybe I could have gotten over it if my sibling explained to me why it was so important to have it just be the two of them.
Post # 7
I wouldn’t be upset in the least. In fact, I wish more of my friends would elope, this sh** is getting expensive. My husband and I eloped and everyone was only happy for us. My sister who is also my BFF eloped and I was thrilled for her.
Post # 8
I wouldn’t be upset at all if someone close to me eloped. It’s their wedding, they should do what makes them happy.
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2018 - City, State
I might be privately sad for a bit, but not upset WITH my friends or hurt by their actions at all. In the same way as: if my friends planned a dinner party and I got the stomach flu, and therefore wasn’t able to attend, I would be sad I missed out on it but happy that it went well. Not mad, not upset at them, not hurt by them. Thrilled that they got the experience they wanted. Regardless of how much I would theoretically love to party with a close friend/couple, I’d understand and be super happy and excited for them. I think MORE people should elope! 😀
I’m sorry your sister is giving you a hard time. Remember, it’s your wedding, and if you want to elope? Go for it.
Post # 10
- Wedding: April 2019 - USA
theonlywayisorange : Elopements will definitely make some people unhappy, but you gotta do what’s best for you and your fiance! Don’t let it get to you too much. I wouldn’t be upset though- I’d be happy that you were happy.
This is why I always say, don’t tell anyone you’re eloping. I think it’s better to let people know after you’re married than to tell them that you aren’t inviting them to the ceremony. I get not wanting to blindside them, but knowing that you are choosing not to invite them may twist the knife a little bit more than just telling them you got married.
Post # 11
I was sad when my sister called me to tell me she was eloping. I wanted to be there to support her! But I wasn’t sad for long and there were other ways for me to support her than being there for a wedding that she didn’t want to have. I wouldn’t second guess your plans, and I’d let your sister know that you’ve made up your mind and her telling you all the reasons why she thinks its a bad idea aren’t helpful to you.
Post # 12
To me, the whole idea of an elopement is to show up one day and say “We’re married.” Telling people about it in advance opens the door to the guilt trips.
Post # 13
No, and frankly, it really surprises me that so many people do get upset. I can see getting upset if some siblings/friends are invited and you as a sibling/friend are not, but a couple-only elopement? Nope, doesn’t upset me at all.
Post # 14
personaperson : I think she’s definitely interpreting it through this lens (as in, she might be thinking that this is about not wanting her there), but both my fiance and I have been very clear that that isn’t the reason at all. It really is about just wanting it to be the two of us.
That said, I completely understand feeling this way, because I feel this way sometimes when she plans things without me. I thought really hard about it before deciding this was what I wanted, because I knew it could be hurtful.
Post # 15
Anonymous1063 : I did, too, and honestly that’s what I would have preferred, but I’m trying to be respectful of her wishes because we are a pretty close family and I don’t want things to be awkward.