(Closed) If someone has “some figuring out to do” it definitely isn’t me.

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 1
Member
478 posts
Helper bee

Last night my boyfriend and I had a talk that opened up a whole other can of worms in the development of our relationship.

Here’s a little back story:

I moved in with my Boyfriend or Best Friend back in June. Before I moved in, I asked him what it meant for him. He told me that he saw us getting married, and I really believe he meant it, and wasn’t blowing smoke up my arse. We have since talked about it loosely, like how we want our wedding, who we want there, our future as spouses, etc…but no real date talks.

Recently we got a dog together. Before we got this dog, I wanted an English Bulldog for years. I have always just wanted one–I think they’re cute, funny personality, generally lazy, and just the dog for me. I was really adamant about it being MY dog. I wanted to purchase it with no help from the Boyfriend or Best Friend because I wanted to make sure I would have “custody” if anything ever happened. Not that I was anticipating that something would happen, it was just a precaution. He said he felt like that meant I wasn’t fully ready to commit to him because I wanted it to be MY dog as opposed to OUR dog thus holding back from further creating a bond in our relationship.

Well, we didn’t get an English bulldog, we adopted an English pointer from the Humane society and as much as I hate to say it, I really don’t like this dog. It’s nothing like I wanted. It’s too hyper, and looks nothing like an English Bulldog which I have literally fallen in love with.

Because of the BF’s job, he is away for 24 hour periods, so taking care of the dog (or, “dealing with” as I like to say) is my responsibility. I am starting to become a little bitter about this dog.

I told Boyfriend or Best Friend that I didn’t like the dog (we’ve only had him for a month) and I told him I wanted to try to find a home for him that better suited his needs (he is a hunting dog and we don’t hunt much less have a backyard).Boyfriend or Best Friend then went on to say, because I “made a commitment” to the dog and “went back on my commitment” it sends a red flag to him about our relationship and makes him hesitant to want to spend the rest of his life with me because I “have a tendency to go back on commitments.” He used an example of me buying throw pillows and rugs for the house and not liking them then returning them. He said I have a tendency to enter into things and “decide it’s not for me”–which so isn’t true.

He then went on to say that he wanted to wait a little while after I graduated to give me time to “figure things out.” I graduate in December. He said that when people graduate, they do some sort of “soul searching” as to what kind of person they want to be and how they want to fill up their extra time. Because I won’t be obligated to something like school anymore he thinks I will change as a person as far as my wants and he wanted to “give me time.” The only “changing” I want to do is get married. I know who I am, I know what I want, and that’s it! I already have a great job that I don’t plan on leaving so THAT won’t change. The only thing I can think of is I will pick up a few hobbies such as painting or Jujitsu–how is that going to change me? He said he wanted to give me time to “just be” rather than jump right into planning a wedding (which is what I want!).

Frankly, I think it’s HIM who needs to figure somethings out. I feel like HE is holding back from the relationship. If not “committing” to a dog sends a red flag to him that I won’t commit to him then THAT sends a red flag to me that he needs to be convinced that I’m what he wants. I don’t need some time to figure out anything, HE apparently needs time to figure things out.

I’m sorry this is so long, it’s more or less a rant to get it off my chest. I just don’t know what to think about out conversation and it’s been making me upset all day and he keeps asking me what’s wrong. Thanks for letting me vent bees. 🙂

Post # 3
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

Hmmm… I agree that it is ridiculous and unfair to compare returning pillows with wanting to (I guess) return him in the future.  That was a dumb example (IMHO).  I also think it’s condescending that he thinks you need some kind of time after graduating to become whatever it is you are supposed to become.  Yes, it’s an adjustment to go from being a student to being employed, but usually a pretty welcome one.

On the other hand…  I just have to ask – what happened that made you get the wrong dog?  I am just curious.  I do tend to be of the mind that when you adopt a pet, it’s forever.  It sounds like you guys made a bad decision and got the wrong one for you, but at the same time, I do kind of see his point about how he made a commitment to the dog.

I do not think, of course, that this is some red flag that you would give up on him in the future.  I mean, you’re already together – you’ve tried him out and you liked him enough to move in with him and move towards marriage.  It does sound like he’s making excuses.  Boo. 

I think my feelings would be really hurt that he thinks you’re unsure and just some fickle, flighty person who isn’t “done yet.”  I think I’d take a few days to cool down and then express that calmly.

🙁

Post # 4
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like he’s not ready, for whatever reason, and he’s just using all that other ‘you have commitment issues’ as an excuse for how he really feels. He obviously is having doubts, no matter who or what they stem from, and that alone is deserving of a serious sit down talk.

I don’t mean to be harsh, but I’ve got a pretty good bs detector, and it was going off like crazy regarding what he was saying.

Good luck with whatever happens. I hope everything works out for the best!  

Post # 5
Member
223 posts
Helper bee

@RenoRose:I don’t know.  My boyfriend told me he wanted me to live on my own for a bit before we moved in together… so I am for a year.  He couldn’t have been more right though!!  I needed that time to be me, figure out my routine, figure out that I am capable of being grown up.  It sounds lame, but at 25 I thought I knew exactly who I was.  Since moving in by myself, I have changed so much.  SO, I don’t think that part is BS or unreasonable.  You need to REALLY know yourself before you can commit to forever with someone.  You may think you already do, I did, but you would benefit from it.  If he just means taking a break in your schedule before getting engaged and planning a wedding, then what’s the big deal?  If you know you’re going to get married…take your time.  People who rush through life only crash and burn later.

It sounds like you tow already live together with the dog?  So how did you end up choosing this dog?  I got my pup and I was totally shocked by her craziness.  She’s very hyper and it takes FOREVER for her to get tired… but I am her “mom” now and returning her was never an option.  A dog is a life long commitment, I am afraid.  If you were to return him, he could be euthanized or no one else would adopt him, etc…

I second what everyone else said.  You definitely need to talk to your Boyfriend or Best Friend about whether or not he’s REALLY ready…or if he’s just going along to avoid upsetting you.

Post # 6
Member
478 posts
Helper bee

We do live together and we have for 6 months now. Before that I lived by myself in my own apartment for 4 years–I have a pretty good idea of my routine and who I am. In fact, he has always told me one of the things he loves about me is that “I know who I am and who I want to be” so the fact that he’s throwing this at me now is a complete contradiction to what he’s told me before.

We got the dog because he talked me into it. I never wanted it. I didn’t want it the day we met him, I didn’t like him one week later when we took him home, I didn’t like him one week after he lived with us and I don’t like him now (one month later). I have been communicating this with the Boyfriend or Best Friend the whole time. He kept telling me that bulldogs are pointless dogs because they can’t run or play catch because they have short legs. He kept saying they slobber too much, have eye and nasal problems, have back and hip problems, cost a lot of money because of their problems. He said they are useless and totally not the dog he wanted. He also said he wanted to adopt a dog because there are so many out there that need homes. While I agree with that (I looked into rescuing a bulldog), I still didn’t want THIS dog. He wanted him. He wanted him because he’s a medium sized dog, looks strong, etc, etc, etc…. Basically it’s exactly the kind of dog HE wants and NOTHING like I wanted, and I’m the one who takes care of it most of the time. I feel like I got gypped and I feel sad that I completely disregarded something I’ve been wanting for years just to make him happy.

 

We wouldn’t take the dog back to the Humane society, we would find a good home for him, so he won’t be put to sleep.

 

All of this just hurts me because I feel like he’s finding excuses to delay his commitment. Excuses that are completely contradictory to what he’s told me in the past.

Post # 7
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee

Regarding the dog, it sounds like you’re hurt b/c your feelings were completely disregarded. It has nothing to do with the actual dog itself, but more w/ the fact that your Boyfriend or Best Friend disrespected you by dismissing your feelings as invalid. The two of you disagreed on the kind of dog you want, and instead of compromising on a dog you could both agree on, your Boyfriend or Best Friend had his own needs met at the expense of yours. And therein lies the resentment. All of this of course, is only In My Humble Opinion.

 You could always get a bulldog and still keep the other one. Just a thought.

Post # 8
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I do believe he is using excuses (dog,pillows,soul searching) for his commitment issues. You need to ask him where he see your relationship going in the next few years. Whether you like his response or not you have to make a decision whether you are going to stay and confront his commitment issues or leave. 

Post # 9
Member
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I’m sorry you are going through all of this. I just wanted to say something about “the dog”, and I’m not being snotty, so I hope it doesn’t sound this way. You guys chose “the dog”. Judging by the way you never even mention a name of “the dog” that you have to “deal with” it definitly sounds like you are resenting him. He didn’t choose you to live with, you two (or at least your bf) chose him. Animals (especially dogs) are really good at picking up on people’s energy and I’m sure he can sense that you don’t like him. Just try and remember that when you are stuck “dealing with him”. All he wants is to be loved.

BTW- the Humane Societies here require all members of the family to meet and agree on a pet before you can adopt. Does your Humane Society not do this?

 

 

Post # 10
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

While I agree that some of his excuses seem to be just that, I have to say that I would also be worried by the dog situation. Animals ARE a major commitment. Dogs, first of all, aren’t “it”s, and they aren’t disposable. Not every dog is for every person, of course, but if you agreed to adopt the dog can you really sit here and blame your FH? It sounds like your resentment is coming from somewhere else. You need to recognize that you also had a part in this. No one forced you to get the dog, if you have such strong feelings about the dog you should have made these feelings known and refused. For your part, you don’t seem too willing to compromise either, because your whole post was all about bulldogs and what you wanted. Relationships, especially marriages, don’t work like that. It sounds like you BOTH need to learn how to compromise before you can move forward.

Why not start a compromise now? He can keep the dog if he agrees to keep the dog exercised, or take him/her to obedience or training classes to reduce the stress on you. Showing him that you realize there are many options to confront hyperactivity, and that you are willing to explore them, will show him that you do understand commitment and won’t throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble. Honestly, that IS what you are doing right now. While I don’t know your FH and whether this reasoning is sincere or not, all I can say is that, from my perspective, the dog issue would raise red flags for me.

Finally (sorry I’m being so long winded), also try to see that his reaction may be a defensive one because he loves this dog. If my FH tried to pressure me in to letting go of one of my animals, friends, or family members, I would be defensive too. Again, it is all about compromise… something that both of you need to work on.

Post # 11
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You should find that poor dog a loving home.  It is too much work for you and not fair to the dog.  Having a dog and marriage are two seperate issues.  You are totally right about finding the dog a better suited home.  Your bf is being cruel to the dog.  He cant pay it any attention but wants to keep it.  That is alarming to me.  You want to give the dog the best home possible.  That sounds responsible and like the right thing to do.

Also the soul searching thing is a bit ridiculous in my opinion. After I graduated I was job searching, NOT soul searching, and I didnt change much at all. It sounds like he is making excuses because he doesnt want to talk to you about the real issue.

Post # 12
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

About the dog custody thing, I kind of joked about it with Fiance before we were engaged. I told him I’d have custody but he’d have to pay dog support since she has ridiculously expensive food… he just thought it was funny.

 

Anyways…back to the real issues… Yes it does sound like he has some issues and is using other things as an excuse. I think you do need to do some thinking. I’m not sure how getting the dog went down, but it would be enough reason to  raise a red flag on both of you:

Red flag against him because this dog clearly wasnt what you wanted, and it doesn’t seem like it was even a half compromise.  Furthermore, he’s not even taking responsibility for the dog he wanted, and left it with you.(think what it might to be have children with this guy)

Red flag against you, because I’m assuming you gave your ok on this decision. I mean it’s pretty well known that you can’t just get rid of a dog, that’s it’s a forever commitment. So it does make you think about how long did you think about this before you committed to it, and are how you work through tough issues.

So have a heart to heart with you SO, figure out what to do with the dog, and your relationship. Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
289 posts
Helper bee

I am very sorry you’re going through this. Your feelings are obviously being hurt and your boyfriend needs to sit down with you so you two can discuss what is really going on here. I feel like it is unfair for your boyfriend to compare your home decor decisions to your commitment to your relationship and readiness for marriage. He is making excuses.

I may be in the minority here with what I’m about to say, and I absolutely mean no disrespect. However, I am a little alarmed about your behavior associated with the dog. I have to agree with your boyfriend on this point alone. I feel like he was a bit justified in his curisoity in regards to you wanting your OWN dog, just in case things between the two of you don’t work out. Perhaps I’m strange and being slightly naive, but when my SO and I make life decisions, we commit to it together, no exceptions or questions asked. Also, I agree with the PP that stated that this dog is not an “it”, he/she is a living being, and while not human, has feelings.

I know this is going out on a limb here, but in order to be a good pet owner, I believe you need to look at your furry companion a little like you would a child. You can’t exactly choose what your children will look like, or the way in which he/she will behave. You may dream about a blue eyed daughter with a quiet demeanor and a love for the arts, and end up with a brown eyed son, who is rowdy and likes to play baseball in the house. However you obviously love them just the same. But overall, I agree that your dog needs a loving home, and if you don’t feel that you and your boyfriend can collectively provide him with that, then surely do proceed in finding a family that can.

Good luck to you!

Post # 14
Member
478 posts
Helper bee

I see how some of you can see how he would take the whole dog situation the way he has. I got the dog for him basically. I didn’t want to because I knew deep down that Jackson (that’s the dogs name) wasn’t the kind of dog I wanted, but I knew that my Boyfriend or Best Friend wanted him so I shut my mouth and said lets get him. Well, we got him home and I immadiately realized the stupid mistake I had made. I realized that I shouldn’t have kept my mouth shut when it came to something as important as a dog, that I too believe is a life time commitment. I wanted Boyfriend or Best Friend to be happy so I kept mum on the matter. I was pleasing Boyfriend or Best Friend, and it was the wrong area to do so (and I am actually not the people pleaser type…normally…).

We can’t have another dog because we can barely have this one. Two dogs isn’t a possibility, it’s twice the work that we don’t want.

Post # 15
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Find the dog a nice home and deal with your bf later.  He is being unreasonable.

Post # 16
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

First the dog issue: I agree with PP, please, please find Jackson a new home asap.  You are smart to realize you made a mistake and want to correct it.  From what you described, your Boyfriend or Best Friend could not have picked a dog with a worse disposition for your living situation, expecially if you wanted a mellow English Bulldog, which, in his defense, is really is expensive and definitely requires certain surgeries for breathing problems and ingrown eyelashes, of all things.  I really wanted one too for the exact same reasons you did and then realized it would just be too expensive (ended up with a resue Pug).

But you will just get more and more resentful of Jackson as time goes by and it isn’t fair to either one of you. If you don’t remedy the dog situation now, it will just compound the error. Been there done that.

Which brings me to the Boyfriend or Best Friend issue:  He is way off base by suggesting that the dog is a symbol of your committment to your relationship.  Agree with Mrs. Candy:  He is being unreasonable.

p.s.  English Pointer fans:  Please don’t jump all over me.  I am a total “dog” person and religiously watch Westminster every year only to fall in love with a different breed every time 🙂 But *treading lightly and not casting any blame* a lot of dogs end up in shelters because people don’t thoroughly research the breed before adopting.  It really isn’t the fault of the dog at all-they do what they are bred to whether it’s herding, hunting or lying around your house in your lap.  But there is someone who would love to have a dog like Jackson.  Someone who lives in the country (really!) and has lots of room and the time to exercise him properly. 

 

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