Post # 1
So I recently learned that my Future Mother-In-Law has been telling her husband and her daughters that she doesn’t see Fiance enough. I first got a message on Facebook from FI’s stepdad saying, “Stop keeping (name here) busy so he can see his mother sometime.” I thought he was joking because he is one of those people that joke around in a kind of rude way. He followed up with a joke so I thought he was kidding around. But then on Sunday, his sister said, “Why don’t you go see mom more so she can stop complaining to me about how she never sees you?”
Keep in mind, we see her more than his sisters! We see them on average 3-4 times a month, sometimes it’ll be more. They live about 45-50 minutes away. We just saw them Saturday and on Sunday at another family event, so sometimes it’s two days in a row or two days within the week! Also, she sometimes meets up with Fiance for dinner after he gets off work.
Fiance agrees that it’s silly she even said that because we see them all the time. It bothers me though thinking how she doesn’t see him enough and has been concerned enough to talk about it with the other family. I am hoping she doesn’t think I’m the reason? He does his own thing with his friends even without me.
Post # 2
- Wedding: August 2019 - City, State
Every single weekend would be excessive for me, Especially if there’s a drive.
I think an important question is whether or not you WANT to see them more, and if so, if you’d be opposed to them coming to you.
Post # 3
We’re both fine with where it’s at now. In my opinion it is a little much but I don’t see a problem in going up thereif we don’t have plans. It’s just knowing that my Future Mother-In-Law isn’t happy that makes me a bit concerned with our future relationship. It’s just odd, she’s never said anything like this before until recently when we’ve been engaged lol. But I do think she’s supportive from wanting to offer us help and whatnot.
Post # 4
That sounds like a lot to me. Does she ever come down to see you guys, or are you always driving to her or family events?
Post # 5
If it were me, I would steer clear away from these conversations. The rule in my house is DH deals with his family, I deal with mine, and we run interference for each other. The next time a specific comment or question is directed at you like the half-joking one you got, I would quickly just say, “take it up with (name), he’s his own person!”
Once you are married, you will be each other’s family, and then you would provide a unified front, again with him taking the lead with his family and you with yours.
Nobody can make you feel guilty without your permission. Don’t give them permission. You’re not responsible for how they feel. Some families will keep pushing the boundaries until they no longer exist if you let them.
Post # 6
That’s excessively passive aggressive.
My Mother-In-Law always talks through the baby saying she never sees her enough. I’ve just taken to telling her to call me whenever and we can arrange a visit to leave the door open.
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
If you’re seeing them a few times a month already, I would tell them politely that they don’t get to dictate how often they see you. They’re being overbearing.
Post # 8
This is your fh’s problem not yours. He needs to speak up and set them straight. And if they have anymore to say about you keeping “him busy” he needs to say something about that also. Looks like they are putting the blame on you.
Post # 9
not my ILs (well they are deceased) but I get this from MY mother ALL THE TIME.
it doesn’t count that i go to theater and dinner with her (2 theater subscriptions), have numerous vacations with her, have her over for dinner, and other special events that we invite her too.
Post # 10
We always drive up to see them since they make plans. We rarely make plans honestly because enough already happens. I have a huge family so there’s always a birthday or some event, large group of friends, and his family gets together very often whether it’s his sis or aunt planning as well.
Post # 11
Do you also do most of the driving to them? I love when parents guilt their children but also expect the kids to travel to them.
I would also say tune it out. Your fiance has your back, your Mother-In-Law is probably just struggling a bit with the family dynamic changing, don’t worry about it. It’s only your job to meet them halfway- they should be trying to impress you and be on their best behavior with you as well, you’re not required to make them completely happy and yourself miserable. Every weekend is insane. I would die.
Post # 12
That seems excessive. I suspect you may have to set some boundaries with your new ILs as it sounds like they expect to see you more than you might like, and probably will expect to be more involved in your life than you may be willing to handle.
Post # 14
The odd thing is that we’ve been together for years and nothings changed, only that we will be getting married.
Post # 15
We do the driving. We aren’t planners though, but you’re right. Maybe instead we can suggest dinner over our side of town and see LOL. Honestly, I bet it’s too far of a drive for them considering they rarely visit his sister’s place either (she lives near us). All the kids drive to see them but I think culturally it’s supposed to be that way as a respect thing in our world (we’re Asian).