(Closed) If the parents aren’t paying for the wedding…

posted 10 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
1356 posts
Bumble bee

I’m not going through the same thing as (thankfully!) my parents are paying for most things. Anything they don’t want to pay for (ie alcohol), they are kinda letting us control. And I think that’s the way it should be – if you pay, you should be able to do it your way. 🙂 Tactfully of course. 🙂

Post # 4
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Sorry, Jellybean.  IF you’re paying, they shouldn’tbegiving you a hard time.  I’m guessing you’ve mentioned that to them.  Have they backed off at all?  Are they arguing about many things, like colors and theme?  Or is it just something that would prevent them from being embarrassed (ie. cash bar) or hurting someone’s feelings (ie. inviting people you weren’t plannng on inviting)?  If there is something they feel strongly about, like having an open bar, could you compromise on letting them have it if they pay for it?

If it’s something like dress colors, cake flavors etc.  maybe you could just make sure to keep them in the loop (take mom to the bridal shop or take them to the food tastings) and let them know that you’ll cinsider their opinions, because you value them.  If bringing them will make matters worse, tell them that "if bringing you will cause fighting, I’ll be going alone, or with my bridesmaids instead."

Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

Jellybean, love your Handle!  I had one like it for many years…

 I totally agree with you, if you’re paying, it’s your party.  I’m basically deciding everything and telling my mom after the fact (she’s a total control freak).  Plus, what decisions can parents make??  You have to put a deposit down on everything, so unless they’re willing to throw money away (i.e. thanks for ordering invitations, but I’ve already purchased my own…) then they can’t really insist on anything.

Post # 7
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

There seem to be a lot of mothers (in particular, but fathers get into the act as well) who are either trying to make up for everything that was less than satisfactory about their wedding, or who feel like the whole wedding is something that they will be judged on by their friends and your collective relatives.  For my mother, I know the biggest deals were anything she thought her friends would think was "weird" or looked bad.  For fathers, there often seem to be issues about handing their little girl over to some other guy – so that anything that seems to be more of an expression of the groom’s family’s culture or preferences is objectionable.

The main thing for you to realize is that particularly since you’re not looking for any money from your folks, you can look at all of their advice as just that – advice.  And advice is worth exactly what you pay for it, right?  So you can listen, and smile, and nod, and say "Well, we will certainly think about that."  Or "You know, that’s a great idea, but we think we are going to do such-and-so."  I found that it really helped to express the decisions as OUR decisions – my mother in particular was much less likely to object to any idea that she didn’t think was just mine. 

The main thing to remember is that they just want everything to be wonderful – and that’s why they have an opinion in the first place.  Odds are that everything will be wonderful, and that anything that seems doubtful to them will look much better when they actually see it.  The few things that my mother thought were just awful ideas were also things that her friends thought were great, which completely changed her opinion. (After the fact, of course.)

Post # 8
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2009

My fiance and I are paying for the whole wedding and making a lot of the decisions on our own. However, we are very mindful that our wedding day is a day of celebration for both families, especially  for our parents. I don’t think it should be about "we’re paying so our parents don’t get a say." After all, is arguing over linen colors worth fighting with your mom? Wedding planning is a very stressful time and sometimes with a shorter fuse, we may be overly sensitive to our parents’ comments. If your mom is being snarky, it may be due to the fact that she feels left out. Ask her for imput on little things and over time, you may find yourself enjoying this planning process with her. Your wedding isn’t just about YOU….share it with everyone who loves you.

Post # 9
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

It sounds like your mom is going through an emotional transition seeing you as an adult making your own decisions. I’m sure she logically understands that you’re paying; therefore you call the shots, but emotionally she can’t let go. Have you ever read The Conscious Bride?  It explains a lot about why some otherwise normal family members can go nutso around weddings.

http://www.amazon.com/Conscious-Bride-Feelings-Getting-Hitched/dp/1572242132/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1234699816&sr=8-1

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