(Closed) If the past could just stay where it belongs…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
817 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013 - Mansion House at the MD Zoo

**hugs**and kudos to you for getting back out there and even dating again. You must be incredibly strong, because that is the kind of thing that would turn a lot of people off relationships forever. Do you think it would help to think of your life with your fiance and the wedding/marriage as turning the corner away from that part of your life and towards a new, better life? That’s what it sounds like it is to me, anyway. You did the hard part by actually meeting a nice guy and being able to trust him enough to commit, the wedding is just the part where you stand up in front of everyone and say that out loud.

Post # 4
368 posts
Helper bee

@Moomin:  “there’s a part of me that thinks, well, if someone awful didn’t want me, why would someone amazing want me?”

You need to remember that your Fiance and your ex are not looking for the same kind of woman. It sounds like your ex wanted a woman he could control, abuse, and take advantage of – in short, a victim. He left you because, for whatever reason, he figured out that you weren’t going to put up with that victim bullshit forever, and he needed to find someone weaker than you to be his victim. He wasn’t looking for someone to love and cherish and grow old with; he was looking for someone to use.

Your Fiance wasn’t looking for a victim; he was looking for a partner, and he found you. You are the kind of strong, wonderful, loving woman that an amazing person like your Fiance wants by his side as a life partner. However, those same qualities that your Fiance loves about you will make you worthless to someone like your ex, who only wants someone he can use and abuse and hurt. Sucks to be your ex 🙂

FWIW, I really think that going to a counselor would help – not to talk about the ex, but to talk about yourself. It sounds like a lot of your thoughts are being framed in very negative and self-deprecating ways, and I think you might feel better about yourself if you could think more positively about yourself. But it sounds like just being away from the ex has helped you gain self-esteem and confidence, which you deserve. Good luck.


Post # 5
853 posts
Busy bee

Always remember that when someone cheats, the problem does NOT lie with the person who was cheated on. Yes, there might be issues within the relationship but an honourable person would communicate with their partner rather than look for happiness with another person. You may think being perfect would have stopped them but you see them cheating had NOTHING to do with you. It’s all about them – they are the one with the issues; the insecurity, the abusive pattern in relationships, the commitment phobia etc. 

Don’t let someone’s brokeness break you. And you are worthy of a faithful, loving partner. Never forget that.

P.S. I have been cheated on before so I am talking from experience. He and I weren’t serious enough to be contemplating marriage but he was my first boyfriend and I naively trusted him and his intentions. Thank goodness for my personal convictions and the fact that I never lost my virginity to him as I found out in the end that that was all he was after. When we broke up, depsite that fact that he was unemployed, a pathological liar, uneducated and cheated with at least 3 people that I found about, including a woman twice his age, he still had the audcatity to tell me *I* was the lucky one to be with him and that he never wanted to be with me in the first place. He also said he was ashamed to be seen with me in public and told all his friends that he ‘had beat me out’ (TMI but I just want to higlight just how cruel he was), so I really do understand where you’re coming from. I also have a difficult time accepting that now I have found someone who actually likes me just as I am, and even more for all my faults and insecurities and crazy mood swings. Like your Fiance, my SO has also said that my ex was an a**hole and that was the simple reason for his behaviour. Over time, I have to come realize that that is indeed the truth. For all my faults, I never deserved being treated the way I was by the EX and neither did you, so let it go and embrace the gift that you have now.

I would also suggest talking to your Fiance about the resurgence of these thoughts in the wake of your engagement – I’m sure he’ll understand and help you mentally put them in their place. Also, maybe you should write a letter to your ex, including ALL your hurt, negative feelings and anything you may have inadvertantly held on to from your past relationship, read it over and then burn the letter and let it go. It helps. All the best and remember, this is a special time. Don’t let an unworthy b**tard from your past take away the happiness in your present. ((hugs))

Post # 7
327 posts
Helper bee

don’t think about the past, you have a good life now,enjoy it. i believe you have a very supportive family and friends that you can lean on. don’t let him spoil your happy life now. hugs…

Post # 8
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Moomin:  Oh my goodness, I’m telling you I could have written this post… especially the line

“there’s a part of me that thinks, well, if someone awful didn’t want me, why would someone amazing want me?”

Just 2 nights ago, I was up alone late, and having these almost exact same thoughts… trying to rationalize either WHY Mr. TTR might leave me, or HOW I might find a way to “uncomplicate” his life, and leave myself.

Like you I was in an abusive relationship.  And it really can do a number with your head (and your heart).  Some of the bruises and scars heal… but Trust is one that is truly the most difficult to cure.

I spent another LIFETIME in a very abusive unhealthy relationship… because I was too scarred / scared / and embarrassed to leave.

When I had approached family members about my problems with my Husband early on in my marriage, they coyly told me “You picked him… you made your bed now lay in it”. 

There was no support or anywhere to go to … back then abuse and unhealthy relationships weren’t really talked about… there were no support systems, womens shelters etc.  And it was very humiliating… (more so when I had a young baby at home and he was drinking and being super abusive to me).

I had no self esteem, no money, and no where to turn. 

And so I stayed and things got much worse over the years.

After 20 Years I found the where-with-all to finally leave after having spent about 10 years getting some FREE counselling on my own thru Al-Anon, and a local Womens Centre (but as they say, you don’t leave until you truly feel the strength to do so). 

My Seperation and Divorce was actually worse than being married to him… he was a real scuz about the whole thing.  I was virtually left penniless and homeless for awhile.  And he turned our kids against me thru his manipulation of the truth and baiting them with money and credit cards (my 16 year old daughter ended up with the Gold Amex card he cancelled from my name… and put into hers for example)

It took 5 long years to get his butt thru Divorce Court… and all the while he kept saying “You came with nothing… you will leave with nothing”.  It was beyond horrific, and I was over $ 100,000 in debt before all was said and done (still digging myself out of that hole)

Here it is over 10 years later, and I am with a wonderful man.  And this is very much a healthy relationship.

Still the same, the damage from before haunts me… like it haunts you.  We got engaged a couple of months ago, and at first I was all super excited and positive, but I find myself recently second guessing myself, as our Wedding Date looms in front of us nearer and nearer, and wondering WHY is this wonderful man choosing to be with me ??

I see that your Wedding Date is even sooner than mine… and I’ve connected with another great Encore Bride here on WBee and she too had a crappy abusive first marriage, and she too has had these kind of thoughts as her Wedding Date got closer and closer.

Honestly, it isn’t cold feet… it is just our internal warning systems now trained to go onto full alert because we are terrified that anything that is familiar to us (engrained brain patterns that came about because of the past life we’ve had) could end up being the same.

I’ve come to recognize that is what it is… and so is one of the reasons, I am making certain that this Wedding… will look and feel NOTHING LIKE MY FIRST ONE

I hope my story helps you… and that you know you are not alone. 

(( HUGS ))

Post # 9
8077 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Have you considered some individual counseling to help you work thru the old trauma?  I suggest it because it’s impacting your current relationship and your happiness.

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