(Closed) If they were mailed a Save the Date, do we HAVE to invite them after all?

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

I think ettiquette would say you do need to send the invites.  I would try to get together with your old co-workers to see if you still can be friends.  If you reach out to them and get no response then I wouldn’t send them invitation, but some of them may still consider you a friend have just been too busy lately to keep with you as often as they would like and may have been looking forward to seeing you get married.  I would put out feelers and send invites to those that ares still interested in maintaining the friendship.

Post # 4
820 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Unfortunately I say send it. I got a STD from a high school friend of mine who i always considered myself close with, granted we had fallen out of touch recently but it’s kind of one of those friendships where we’re still friends, you know? If I’d never gotten a STD I wouldn’t be too upset that I wasn’t invited to the wedding, I’d have understood. But, I got one, and never got an invite, and it’s just in poor taste, I think. I almost planned a flight home around his wedding…so glad I didn’t! 

Post # 5
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I disagree.  I had my STD’s with me last year when I was working on a project out of town with several collegues at my current company that work all over the country.  One night at dinner, they were asking me about wedding planning and I whipped the STD’s out of my purse and when they commented on how cute they were I told them they could keep it.  Now, 9 months later, I’m not going to send an invite to these people and have them feel an obligation to come from Canada and Arizona and the various other places that they’re from or feel obligated to send a gift, especially since I’ve had such limited contact with them since the project finished. 

I think in your case since you’re no longer with company A (I did that too – left my old job, they all knew I was getting married (although none recieved STD’s) – but I’m not inviting any of them since we never talk anymore) and you don’t really have a relationship anymore, you shouldn’t feel obligated to invite them.  Unless you’ll need that bridge at a later date, I wouldn’t push your guest list budget.

Post # 6
484 posts
Helper bee

Etiquette wise you do have to send the invitation. From what you’ve described I would imagine none or a very small amount of them will actually respond with a yes so I wouldn’t worry about them actually showing up.

I have a few friends I’ve lost touch with that if I was creating my guest list right this moment I wouldn’t send them a save the date. But that’s not the case so they get an invite. Who knows maybe it will help rekindle the friendship.

Post # 7
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

What about sending them invitations and setting a very early RSVP deadline. That way you’ll know who’s in and who’s out right away and can make other plans.

Post # 8
133 posts
Blushing bee

Yes, if you gave them an STD you have to send an invitation. Only if something extraordinary happens (like someone loses their job and you’ve had to scale down the wedding from 200 people to 50 guests) should you take back your request to save the date. And even so, you would call and grovel and explain the whole sad situation to them individually.

Even though you don’t work for the company any more, if you stay in the area or in your particular industry, you may run across these folks professionally in the future. You don’t want to be thought of as the flaky, rude person who promised them an invitation to her wedding and them forgot to invite them. Who knows, maybe one or two of them will attend and you can reconnect professionally? Maybe they will serve as a reference in the future or point you to companies that are hiring the next time you are job hunting?

A lesson to newly engaged brides– don’t send an STD to everyone you may potentially invite. Only send an STD to people you definitely want to be there. That way you can decide on which co-workers or acquaintences to invite closer to the time.

Post # 9
11826 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion

You should definitely send them invitations. Anyone who got an std will assume they are still invite and might show up–you would have no way of getting a head count on those who don’t get invites. Plus, I really think it’s rude not to send invites to people who got stds unless in extreme circumstances.

Post # 10
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

You have to invite them because you have already asked them to save the date for you. What if they were also invited to another event on the same day, but declined because they had saved the date for your wedding? That would be inconsiderate to not invite them.

Post # 11
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I am in agreement with the other posters that you need to follow up each of your save-the-dates with an invitation.  Otherwise, a guest who has saved your date and made plans to attend your wedding will be left confused and possibly hurt.

Save-the-dates are tricky, especially when it comes to inviting co-workers in this economy.  It is highly possible that between the time you send out your STD and invite that you or a co-worker could lose or change your job.  I have learned after-the-fact that it is important to only send out Save-The-Date Cards to those co-workers who you have a close, personal relationship with outside of work.  Though, like you said, even those relationships can fade when you no longer have a job in common. 

I am willing to bet that just as you are wondering if you should invite your former co-workers, that they will be wondering if they will receive an invite from you or if they should come if they do.  The best thing you can do is to invite them, and those who really want to be there will go.  Maybe you’ll rekindle an old friendship or two.  And don’t worry about what they will think.  You are just doing the right thing, and no one can blame you for that!

Post # 12
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

save the date = invite.

send them and put the ball in their court. They may not choose to come, but I would find it rude to receive a save the date and no invite.

Post # 13
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

I think to follow etiquette you must send an invite, but I’m actually going to say forget etiquette this time. Sure, you should send an invite, but if you’re never really going to have contact with these people again (and make sure you’re not damaging your career/reputation by doing this… it really depends on what you do for a living), I’d say drop ’em. 😉

This is why my Save the Date distribution list is INCREDIBLY small!

Post # 14
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I wouldn’t send the invitation.  Etiquette or no etiquette, sometimes you just have to throw that crap aside!!  ESPECIALLY if you’ve tried to contact them and have had a limited response.  A REAL friend would WANT to be there.

Co-workers are just co-workers unless you’ve really become close in some way.  So if your wedding is something that you want to be shared with people that have a special place in your heart, then make it just that.  In the end, do they really matter if they are not an essential part of your life in some way?

Just MY thought.

Post # 15
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I am going with the "don’t send an invite" camp. It may not be the proper thing to do ettiquitte wise but it sounds like you have reached out to them and you just don’t feel as close to them as you used to, and I think it’s ok to not send one.

Additionally, if I were working with someone who sent me a save the date and then left the company, I would probably not attend their wedding even if given an invitation. It would probably feel way too awkward imo.

Post # 16
2640 posts
Sugar bee

You sent STD to people well in advance, to make sure they didn’t book anything else for that date.  So you’re under the same social obligation to honor that.  What if they made arrangements, or cancelled a family vacation, or turned down Kenny Chesney tickets, just to go to your wedding, and don’t get invited?

You can’t just send an STD to tell people to make sure they reserve a date on their calendar, for some crazy time in the future they won’t know what’s going on.  But basically tell them, "I want you to keep the date open for me.  But I may or may not keep it open for you."

If they are your friend they’ll come.  It’s natural not to see some of these people that often anymore.  You’re not longer working with them.  Maybe they’re busy and are just looking forward to seeing you at your wedding.  If they are really your friends, then they’ll just decline, and you won’t have to worry about it.

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