(Closed) If this were you, what would you do?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do I stay or do I go?
    Stay with the person you love : (69 votes)
    74 %
    Find someone who is around more often : (24 votes)
    26 %
  • Post # 17
    Member
    945 posts
    Busy bee

    I would not stay with someone who isn’t around half of the time I am alive. 

    But that’s just me, I prefer someone who is around most of the time physically, for me and for the kids. You may feel differently about it, you may feel that it is something you can compromise on, you may even find ways like go travelling with him.

    Everyone is different, so you need to look within yourself. But to answer your question, it would be very difficult for me to stay, at least not for marriage/long-term relationship. Also probably because I don’t believe in “the one true guy” kind of thing.

    Post # 18
    Member
    159 posts
    Blushing bee

    There is really not a right answer here. 

    I know a couple where he works on a ship or something. So he is home for 2 months and then he is away for 2/3 months. It works for them. They have been married for like 10 years and have 2 children. It works for them.

    It wouldn’t work for me. Not long term. 

    It must be remembered that unfortunately love doesn’t conquer all. Just because a couple loves each other doesn’t mean it will work if they have different lifestyles, goals etc.  I could never be with someone who is often not there as I would be feeling unhappy for half the time. 

    Post # 20
    Member
    118 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    My other half lives on the other side of the globe – its not permanent, but your Fiance job isnt permanent either. Enjoy the time you have together. It sucks but maybe your time together is more “special” because of it. 

    Post # 21
    Member
    6444 posts
    Bee Keeper

    A co worker of mine deals with this but it’s different, her husband is gone Sunday-Thursday every week, so it’s like half the year but every week, not large chunks. And she manages, but I know she doesn’t like it, she’s about to have a baby and she’s very worried her husband won’t be in town for her birth!

    I know that I couldn’t do it, that’s not a marriage for me, that’s too difficult for me but others can do it. The real question is can you do it?

    Post # 22
    Member
    972 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    daisylover77 :  This is so tough.  

    For myself, it was important to find someone I could actually share life with.  My dad was military and my mom is a superstar when it came to being a military spouse.  But, I didn’t want that for myself, you know…But that’s me and my personality.

    I guess, the thing is — he won’t do this forever, right?  There’s a point he’ll probably have to retire or step back from the dangerous assignments?  So maybe for now, you just keep going.

    The highs and lows thing – it’s a different sort of being gone for months when you know the risks are so high.  It’s not just travel and sitting in international board meetings.  So those “lows” have got to be brutal.  But you sound like you believe in him and his work.  I would stay focused on that.  Be part of the mission yourself by continuing your support for him.  Maybe realizing you’re part of this bigger picture of his work can help, too, in the harder days.

    Personally, while I wanted something different for my life, I know that you and your support for him is so important.  And I think you just kind of have to keep going.  He’s so lucky to have you, too.  And you both sound like you do what you need to stay connected even when apart.  Stay focused on those highs more than anything.  The right person really is worth waiting for…

    Post # 23
    Member
    10020 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I personally wouldn’t be able to do it (I don’t think, but I’ve never faced it, truth be told). 

    However, I have a friend in a similar situation to yours and she has coped with it for 20 years.  She stays because she loves him more than anything else and she’s built a life of her own when he isn’t home.  She admits she’s been very lonely at times, though. 

    I respect and admire her choice, I think it takes a lot of strength.  Ultimately you have to decide what you can live with the most – with him the limited time he’s there or not with him at all. 

    Post # 24
    Member
    2080 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    I think it depends somewhat on your personality. My friend and her husband both travel constantly for work and don’t see each other all that much. Before being married, they were in a LDR for years. It somehow works for them. I love having my alone time and sometimes it’s great to have a empty house to myself, but I don’t think I would  be able to do it long-term. The stress of my SO being in danger all the time would be very difficult to cope with as well.

    Have you discussed your future with you SO? Marriage and children, if you choose, take two people considering each other’s welfare and needs. You should be able to come to a compromise, such as him staying in his current position for a number of years and then transitioning into something with fewer travel days. Good luck, bee.

    Post # 25
    Member
    2631 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    Depends on your personality.  Personally, I couldn’t handle it.  However, obviously many people can, and live that life (even though I’m sure it is very difficult).

    If you have ever read the 5 love langauges book, mine is quality time.  So, whenever I’m away from Darling Husband for long periods of time, it makes me really sad.  Having a SO in the military just wouldn’t be an option for me.  I couldn’t do it and be emotional stable.

    Post # 26
    Member
    1883 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    It depends, honestly. Is he gone for six months straight or does he travel about half the month and is home the rest of the month? My husband travels for work – for example, last week he was in NYC from Tuesday AM through late Thursday, is home this week, and he will be away again next week. I don’t love when he’s away, especially now that I’m pregnant, but I’m used to it and fill my time with work, friends, family, reading, gym etc. I don’t think I’d cope too well if he were gone for months at a time though! 

    Post # 27
    Member
    5112 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: December 2014

    daisylover77 :  Given that your update has cleared some things up…

    I told myself very early on in life that I would never date anyone currently serving in the military. I know that I personally couldn’t handle it. While international business trips are one thing where you can call and skype everyday or even visit them on occasion and you know they are relatively safe, deployments aren’t like that. I would eat myself alive with worry. Military spouses are made of stronger stuff than I am. My husband is a veteran and wouldn’t have even been able to date him when we was active duty. That said, your SO’s current career is not permanent. Maybe you can handle it for the next several years, I don’t know. I will say though that being married to a veteran isn’t always a cake walk either. Obviously, everyone is different, but dealing with becoming a civilian again can be very difficult. Having a spouse dealing with PTSD can be very difficult. It’s a lot to handle. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    44 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: April 2018

    daisylover77 :  your poll is either stay with the person you love or find someone who is around more. Which implies you would leave. I guess I am confused. Based on all of your posts you two are great together and really love each other. So I’m confused as to why this is a question for you

    Post # 29
    Member
    63 posts
    Worker bee

    daisylover77 :  This is tough, especially if you are wanting children in the future. 

    Even though my situation was completely different, and he wasn’t traveling for work, he had to work nights for a year, and it caused A LOT of problems for us. I never saw him. Ever. It did make the times we were together that much more special, but I don’t think our relationship would’ve lasted another year of that. Granted, that relationship didn’t last in the end anyways, but not because of that.

    If he truly makes you happy, I’d stick it out. BUT, the minute you start second-guessing the relationship (which it doesn’t sound like you are), you should take a step back and reevaluate what you really need in life. 

    Another poster mentioned the “5 Love Languages” book, and about them needing quality time. That’s me, too. I can’t get by with texts and phone calls. 

    The topic ‘If this were you, what would you do?’ is closed to new replies.

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