(Closed) If this were you, what would you do?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do I stay or do I go?
    Stay with the person you love : (69 votes)
    74 %
    Find someone who is around more often : (24 votes)
    26 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    1709 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2016 - Garden

    daisylover77 :  I was in the same situation. My Fiance works 6 days a week 13 hours long at the most. He never really had time to see me when he was in another city. It was super painful for me when i could barely get a text out of him because he was so tired coming home at ten at night. Like how in the world is our marriage going to work if he works everyday like this? He requested Sunday’s off for church. And that’s usually the only time we do get to hang.

    But it wasn’t just recently, this month, he got 3 hours of lunch everyday because he got promoted at his job, which changed his schedule. He still works the same hours 8am-9pm (was only 1hour of lunch, but now its 3 hours of lunch). Very grateful for that. He moved last month closer to where I live now due to a job transfer. It’s hard bee. I know it. It’s still hard even today because his lunch breaks are taken for meetings and such. It’s so sad to watch him work so hard. 😢 and he says he’s doing it for us. 

    Post # 32
    Member
    1642 posts
    Bumble bee

     daisylover77 :  I am not sure this is a question that others can answer for you, because everyone is different. I am a prime example: I would TOTALLY stay with him, because I adore my alone time. My ex travelled a lot as well, and was a golfer, so he was away quite a bit. I loved it!

    So why am I divorced? Because unfortunately he was also emotionally abusive. Had he not been emotionally abusive, I would still be married.

    Footnote: I must add that I did not want children. If children were in the future, I would have a different answer for someone considering an absentee husband.

    Post # 33
    Member
    7905 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    That’s a hard situation you describe. Darling Husband has an excellent work life balance, so we see each other all the time. If he had to travel a lot for work, it would be a big adjustment, but I would suck it up and keep busy while he’s gone. If he’d always been traveling for work, I don’t think it would be such a change going from dating to married. 

    Have you talked with any other partners of military members? They have firsthand experience with that sort of thing, and yet they make it work. 

    Post # 34
    Member
    533 posts
    Busy bee

    This job may not be forever. My dad was a traveller for his whole career, and it slowly decreased and he is now around very frequently/smi-retired. It’s the perfect job now, but who knows, especially with connectivity it could turn into a situation where he doesn’t need to travel as much and will be home for you

    Post # 35
    Member
    6449 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    Well, my Darling Husband IS gone about half the year or more, but our situation is so very different from yours that they cannot even be compared. My Darling Husband is not in danger, and is generally gone M-F but home on most weekends and can arrange to be home for important things like the kids’ concerts and birthdays. He is not required to travel most holidays. So although the bulk of our daily life is conducted without Darling Husband here, we also know when he is coming back and that he is not in danger. I wouldn’t trade my life, Darling Husband or marriage because it works for us. It may not be ideal, but I cannot complain about his job, either.

    I think this comes down to what kind of person you are. ARE you strong enough? Are you independent and able to handle most things on your own? If you choose a life with this man, you will have to be. You will have to not resent the forces that take him from you, and more importantly not resent him for choosing that. Although it might not even occur to you to resent him now, you may be surprised at how difficult things could be if he is gone for his child’s delivery or first holidays. He wouldn’t WANT to be gone, but sometimes resentment can build slowly until you are bitter and angry and lonely beyond consolation. You need to know yourself well enough to be able to know if you could cope with the real difficulties in life alone (funerals, health issues, problems with the children, injuries, home repairs, etc.).

    Post # 36
    Member
    3383 posts
    Sugar bee

    I’m glad you updated with what he does for a living. Before your update, I was thinking “if he was in the military, I could not break up just because he is gone.” For some reason, I feel like military travels get a free pass. I’d stick with him if I were you – you know what you are signing up for, and it will be hard, but you love him very much. 

    ETA: You also never know if he will be in special forces forever. He could easily get injured, not in a life-threatening way, and not even at work, and that would end his special forces career. 

    Post # 37
    Member
    9044 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    Nothing in life is guaranteed. You could have a partner who spends every day with you but gets hit by a bus three weeks after your wedding (or any other variation of that situation including abuse and cheating).

    My husband on our wedding day thought he would get to grow old with me and never imagined that less than two years later I woukd be diagosed with a terminal illness. Should he leave because his dream image of a married couples life has had to change? I mean I used to work away most of the year and whilst it was hard it was not devestating or undoable but neither of us ever thought it should be a reason to not be together.

    To me this is a silly question. If you love someone you support them and make the most of the time you do have together. You make a committment when you enter a relationship to support them and get through hardtimes together (unless abuse/cheating is involved of course).

    It sounds like he is doing everything in his power to keep communicating and trying to lessen the burden of the separation. Is it hard- no doubt but it is not something that isn’t managable imo.

    Post # 38
    Member
    575 posts
    Busy bee

    I recently watched a movie in which the perfect elderly couple was suddenly getting a divorce. When the grown children were asking why, the mother said: “You know, darling, all this time, your dad was never home. Now that he’s retired, he is always around and I just can’t stand it.”

    Post # 39
    Member
    227 posts
    Helper bee

    I spend a lot of time away for work (not big chunks but it can be every week at busy times). We make it work. But I think the real issue for you is that he is military, and that is ok. As you say, he is going to dangerous situations, where you can’t join him, and sometimes I guess he isn’t even able to call you to say hi. Being a military spouse must be so tough, I can’t imagine how that goes.

    Only you can decide whether you can stick it out. Are you involved with any other military partners? Other people going through the same thing can be a great source of support.

    The topic ‘If this were you, what would you do?’ is closed to new replies.

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