(Closed) If we’re married, does that mean we have to live together?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
10363 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@des_salazar: I think you should clue your husband into your secret single behavior. It’s a part of who you are, and that level of intimacy is great. And as with all things in relationships, this transition is all about communication – tell each other when you need alone time, stagger your schedules if necessary, and never stop cluing each other in to how you are dealing with the process. It’ll be fine, I promise 🙂

Post # 33
Member
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I loved living by myself, and to tell you the truth I think I still prefer it 😛

My boy and I lived together for 1.5 years, though, before we got married.

Post # 34
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I always liked living alone too. I had 2 roommates while in college, and neither eneded wel. So, when I bought my trailer, I was ecstatic to be on my own. But, after a while, I got pretty lonely. I didn’t have any of my old friends in my college town and I was ALWAYS alone when I wasn’t in class. I just didn’t meet anyone I had anything in common with. I went to a small college and it reminded me so much of high school, where everyone already seemed to know someone else etc.

Anyway. I spent 2 years living by myself, and by the time FH moved in, I was so happy to have him around. We spent a good bit of time together anyway, and when he was on break from college he’d come over for a week at a time, so we were pretty used to each other.

We still have our alone time. Since I moved into a new town, I’ve met new people, I see more of my high school friends because I’m closer. I go hang out with them and FH hangs out with his friends. Plus, he usually works late, so I have plenty of time all day long to have alone time… Allright, I’m not that excited about alone time anymore, but FH and I do have a set day of the week to go do our own thing with friends…

Post # 35
Member
1820 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

There was a great thread a few months ago (I can’t find it, but maybe some else can post it if they find it?) about the things we like to do when our fiances/boyfriends/husbands are out of town or out for the night.  I was WONDERFUL and made me feel so much less alone for wanting “me” time.  (My husband and I have lived together for 5+ years, and I CRAVE my time alone.)  If you can find the post, I would highly recommend it.

In general, I think that you will find that you will get annoyed and that you do get snappy, but that you also really start looking forward to having a partner at home some nights.  It’s a balance, and one we all have to find.

Good Luck!!

Post # 37
Member
689 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I was nervous to about Fiance moving in. I love my own space and “me time”. I was really worried for a while. He moved in on a Saturday and we got into our worst argument on Monday (wasn’t that bad, but we rarely fight). I go to the gym when I get off most days and he works from home so he was really ready for me to get home that day and I was late. We talked about our schedules and agreed to meet in the middle. Haven’t had any problems since. It gets easier and then you get to a point where you hate when he isn’t there. Just make sure you take some time for yourself.

Post # 38
Member
2829 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I am in a different boat I suppose. My partner & I lived together on & off for 2 years before we actually moved in together, so while we had an adjustment period, we also had down time where we went back to living seperately/LD where we could get back into our own ‘groove.’

I always used to really really looked forward to living with my partner, and while there are definitely times that I wish I could ‘go home’ to my own place, I couldn’t imagine living alone again.

I think having personal space & ‘me time’ are really important to not go completely batshit insane with each other. That’s my biggest beef with our house right now, that I don’t have my own ‘room’ (not a bedroom necessarily, but somewhere I can go hide if I need to).

Post # 39
Member
5 posts
Newbee

I highly suggest sitting down together and doing a “roommate contract.” It doesn’t need to be super formal but I think it was the single best thing we did. We did one when we moved in together and it gave us a chance to talk in depth about chores, cleanliness, having guests visit, how often we wanted to see family, scheduling alone time, scheduling a date night, etc. Just talking about these things eased our transition greatly.

Post # 40
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I second having an extra room if you possibly can.  When we were looking for a new place to rent last summer having an extra bedroom one of his deal-breakers on the place and I wasn’t sure…he was right!

We now have a tv room that is far enough from the living/dining room that I don’t hear Dexter, movies and video games unless I want to.  He can read while I watch tv.  It’s fantastic.

I also think that actually having a really clear discussion about chores and expectations is a really good idea.  There have been issues, but we haven’t had a major blow out about space, cleaning, etc. since we moved in together.  Now…It hasn’t been perfect, but this has really helped.

Got to love the “secret single behaviour”.  Any one else eat peanut butter from the jar?  

Post # 42
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@des_salazar:  Awesome!  I knew that I couldn’t be the only one.  I managed to get my FH to do it too after we go for a run (instant protein).  We are now shameful together.  That may be the secret.

In that case (about the one bedroom), I’d just carve out time for yourself…that isn’t necessarily at home.  I know that sometimes I like to just go get a coffee and go for a walk by myself.  Kind of recharges me and makes me appreciate time with the FHra even more.

I’ve had some weird reactions (read: my mother) when I’ve tried to explain that my FH like to be together but also like to be apart.  For our honeymoon we are considering getting a cabin at a resort because it has a separate bedroom from a living area (this is going to be in the winter and the weather may not cooperate…thus there maybe a lot of just being together).  We’re just better together when we can have a bit of time apart.  Both of us have siblings and have lived with roommates.  All of this is to say, you’re not weird or anything for thinking about this and considering strategies to cope.  It’s called knowing yourself.  🙂  

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