(Closed) If you can’t wish us well, at least be quiet! Dealing with step kid drama…

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 4
5544 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

You married a guy with kids, you went into this knowing he had kids, and now you have to learn to mutually deal with each other. I do think getting married without his children there set off a bad start, because they were in his life before you, and you ARE in fact the interloper. That is what happens when  you join a relationship with someone who has partially grown kids. You get the package deal. I think you and your husband need to have a talk and work out between the two of you how you want things to work. And then yall need talk to the kids, and collectivly figure out how you are going to work things out. 

Post # 6
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think the best thing in this situation is not engaging with behavior of these kids, a lot of this may not even have anything to do with you and more to with their parents separation.

I think you and your husband should provide a united front, and certain things your husband should demand from his kids. However it might be beneficial to let him have some alone time with his kids and not always go to all the events. From what you said I’m assuming this kid is a teenager and I know they can be insufferable sometimes. You don’t have love them the same way your husbands does, but try to understand where he is coming from, he sounds like he is struggling to keep a relationship with his kids, and I think you should do everything in your power to facilitate that.

He should also set some grounds rules and have some expectation of his kids behavior, he should have consequences for them. It would be better if his ex was on his side, but if she isn’t he should still follow through with whatever punishment he decides for their bad behavior. Once the realize Dad isn’t playing they might be more apt to accept what he says. Sometimes Parents feel a lot of guilt and it causes them to lose some of their authority over their chidlren in those situations. Your Husband should develop a game plan for dealing with them, and if at all possible attending family couseling to work out some of the issues. Good Luck!

Post # 7
491 posts
Helper bee

Keep in mind that while for you and your husband one year was enough to get to know eachother and fall in love, it’s not the same for his kids. They’ve only had a year to meet you and now they know that you will be around forever. It’s a big adjustment no matter how old the kids are. 

My dad came really close to marrying a woman I hated, if she had ever expected my sisters and I to just be quite instead of complaining to OUR dad I would have been pissed. He is your husband but he is no less their dad and they get to say what they want to him about their relationship. Yeah, he should have stood up for you, but just remember it’s a huge change for for them to deal with especially if they don’t think they had enough time to deal with it. 

Post # 8
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

So he didn’t tell his kids he was marrying you? If I was the daughter I would have been upset too. 

You need to understand that you married someone with kids. It’s not easy regardless of how old or young they are. You need to take a step back and accept that you may not always be his number one priority

Post # 9
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with everyone else.  You married a man with kids.  The kids were the only ones with no choice in this.  He is their father.  So, yes, he is going to drop you like a “hot potato” anytime they come calling.  That is what a parent does for their child.  I can guarantee if you ever did have kids with him, you would expect him to treat yours the same.

I would be so mad if my parents got married and didn’t even tell me or involve me.  It would make me sad.  I am sure they are just feeling resentful about that, and probably also because they’ve had their dad to themselves so long.


Post # 10
4324 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

Yeah, he had kids first. He’s always going to have them and love them. They have needs of him, and sometimes he needs to spend some alone time with his children as they try to figure out  how the world works. 

Just try to be patient with this new dynamic and not make your husband feel too guilty for loving his children and wanting to do right by them. Do tell him how you feel about spending time with him on your wedding week, or how you can proactively adjust yourselves to meet certain relationship goals, but don’t accuse him of doing anything wrong because he’s doing the best he can with a difficult sitation.

Post # 11
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I agree with what pp said, but I just wanted to add that if you feel like he isn’t paying as much attention to your kids as you are to his, that’s a totally valid thing to bring up to him.  I couldn’t tell if you meant your husband or his son in that last bit there.

If it’s your husband, then maybe he is just so involved with his own children that he doesn’t realize that you feel like he isn’t making as much of an effort as you are.

Good luck!

Post # 12
2790 posts
Sugar bee

Did the two of you discuss how his children feel about your and your relationship and how they would react to the two of you getting married? Did you consider inviting them to their father’s wedding? Have you engaged yourself with the children or stayed distant? Did the two of you discuss what you would say to the kids if they felt uncomfortable with the marriage or how you could be a better step parent? Or did you just assume it would all work out?

Post # 13
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

His kids are always going to be a priority. That will not change, no matter what else is going on in life. You presumably knew this going in. So you can either be a positive, non resentful person who works towards a happy blended family, or you can continue to begrudgingly attend swim meets while the resentment builds on all sides. Your choice.

Post # 14
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I can understand feeling some resentment and feeling like you are 2nd best. I went through this with a friend for a long time. Her bf was always putting his kids first and she couldn’t handle not being number 1 in his life. As a stepchild and a stepmother…. I would be LIVID if my father got married and I was not there. Especially if it was to some woman I barely knew. Please try to look at it from the kid’s POV as well. I can understand wanting to spend time with your new husband, but you might as well get used to the fact that his children will always come first and their needs will always come first. Try to make the best of the situation.

Post # 15
1075 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, I think you should have waited until the kids were comfortable with it. You are joining their family, not just marrying your husband. If you knew you guys were meant to be together then waiting a couple of years until things are less awkward with his kids would have been best. At the end of the day they have a right to their feelings about nobody talking to them about this big change. Put yourself in their shoes.

Post # 16
10287 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Wait a minute, did you guys get married without telling his kids? If my mother did that, her new husband would be on my shit list for eternity. That is SO disrespectful to his children. Even if they were aware of your plans, they obviously have an issue with you so your husband should have dealt with that a long time ago. Those are his kids. You’re never going to be more important than they are. The sooner you realize that, the easier your life will be.

You said that your feelings were hurt after he said he would have rescheduled had he known about the swim meet. Why? You’re complaining about wanting “ex free days” so wouldn’t rescheduling have been better for everyone? As for your husband driving off, the guy obviously has some maturity issues. You don’t just drive away from your problems, especially the night before you’re supposed to get married.

My mother could very well remarry someday and you bet your ass it will be someone I like and respect. If I have ANY issues with the man, I will not hesitate to voice my concerns. She’s my mother and one of the most important people in the world to me. If I thought she was going to make a mistake, I wouldn’t let her make it. Maybe that’s selfish of me but I know her better than any man that comes along. I also know with complete and utter certainty that if I had a problem with someone she was dating, she would reevaluate her relationship. 

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