Post # 17
Yay Tanya! Couldn’t have said it better myself.
I also agree with miss peony on the whole open bar is a must or no alcohol etiquette rule. Where I grew up — Wisconsin — where people have huge families that drink like fish, many people would have to cut family (where many feelings would be hurt), put up with most of their guests leaving a dry reception in order to buy their drinks at the bar (and I admit, I’d be among the first to get the heck out of a dry reception. Sober baby boomers dancing = awkward), or take out a second mortgage to pay for an open bar.
Even Miss Manners wouldn’t find these options appealing. A cash bar is no biggie if it’s what your guests are used to. And if my family is there, there are so many people buying rounds you still need to make an effort to pay for your drinks.
Post # 18
It sounds like I’m a gift grabber but I wish it was ok to put something about your registry (or lack of) in with the invite. I don’t mean something big or rude (in the "buy us this but NOT this" sense) but just a note or slip of paper saying "Your presence is the best gift, but if you feel lead to give please consider…". I only say this because I don’t want to make a wedding website just to have our registry stuff on it (we have no need for a website) but some people don’t talk to our parents, and we don’t have a bridal party, so it’s going to be hard for people to know where we are registered (we don’t even want to register but have been told we must).
I’d also like to get rid of the inner envelope all together – I think it’s a waste of paper but that’s just my opinion. 🙂
Post # 19
Things That I Would Do (if there were not etiquette gods that would strike me down)
-Adults Only Reception on invite
-Invites with computer printed addresses and not hand calligraphy
-No using presents until after the wedding (I NEED TO MAKE MARGARITAS to get me thru DIY days and I cannot use my fancy new blender. Sigh)
-My wedding is close to yours and I was engaged first but it doesn’t matter because in the end we will all be happily married. (i.e. happiness monopoly would be eradicated.)
-Favors: serious waste of time and resources
-Not inviting people I don’t like (Yeah well cousin so and so is so sweet and fun to be around but dear Lord if you invite her you have to invite cranky aunt whoever and she is a B!)
-Your registry should include a variety of prices: If I want a thousand 20 dollar items then so be it. I don’t want to register for a $$$ item just because i need registry variety
-and my newest etiquette pet peeve is kindly listening to the advice of divorced people about their weddings. Um hello obviously things didn’t work out so well for you so keep your karma away. (I have a cousin on her 3rd marriage – she is driving me batty. I think she just keeps getting married because she likes wedding planning)
Post # 20
I want to get rid of the "Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirstname Theirlastname" rule. I hate having to address a married couple by the husband’s name, as if the wife is just an afterthought. I’m actually bucking that and writing both names in on the envelopes.
Post # 21
Bwahhaha. Looking at everyone’s entries, I’m not going to offer up any new etiquette rules to throw out the window, but I will note which ones already listed that I am not following:
- receiving line – too much time for me
- we’re paying for 2/3 of the wedding, and both parents are chipping in, although mine are giving more
- addressing the envelopes – yes, we’re using wrap-around labels with a script font rather than paying someone to do calligraphy and yes, I’m having the woman’s name on their as well, unless it’s an older married couple and I feel they’d be uncomfortable with it
- invites – they are not engraved or handwritten nor traditional looking in any way
We’re breaking many, many "etiquette rules" and we could care less. The only rules we’re concerned with are those that will make our guests more comfortable. 🙂
Post # 22
Honestly, there are so many awkward family situations that things like who gives the bride away, who stands in the receiving line, who pays for X, Y and Z, that are pegged toward traditional family structure have become irrelevant for a lot of people.
I’m glad to see so many bees on here that are not afraid to do their own thing. It has definitely let me see that in 99/100 cases you can get away with what you want and are comfortable with and not have many people notice/care that your flaunted etiquette or tradition. Thanks for the courage and inspiration! 🙂
Post # 23
Well, it may just be etiquette in general- as opposed to wedding etiquette, but I would love to not have to be polite with rude guests.
When they ask if they can bring their kid/friend/dog/etc. I’d love to just be able to say, "NO! And it was rude of you to even ask!" Instead of, "Oh, I wish we could accomodate you, but unfortunately our venue doesn’t have room for your kid/friend/dog/etc."
Post # 24
I hate not being able to include registry info with the invites. As a guest, if I have the info I can just point and click online and be done with the gift. Instead we have to do this coy little dance where we put the wedding website in the invite, and then put the registry info on the website, as if that really made any difference.
Post # 25
I would get rid of them all! 🙂 I know we are breaking a ton of etiquette rules (partial cash bar, no Mr. & Mrs on our invitations for our parents, etc), but I really don’t care. A lot of the rules I didn’t know about until I became addicted to wedding websites and blogs. I don’t think a lot of people who have not gotten married are aware of all these rules, at least not the people I’m inviting! Not to say that they are trashy people, I think its important to cater to your guests. As others have stated, cash bars are the norm in some parts of the country. Might not meet etiquette, but that’s what people are used to.
Post # 26
I should have mentioned — we’re having a full open bar for all six hours of our reception (it was my fiance’s #1 priority).
But I hate when people use rules of etiquette to make brides feel bad about not having things they simply can’t afford.
Speaking of which, here’s another ‘rule’ I can do without: all Out of Town guests should be invited to the rehersal dinner. For many weddings nearly every guest is Out of Town, and to invite them all would be like having two receptions. That’s just silly.
Post # 27
- Wedding: August 2009 - Bernardo Winery
laural – you crack me up with wanting to use your Margarita maker!
I would get ride of the Mr. & Mrs. hisfirstname theirlastname thing too, amysue… I hate that. Most the time I’m friends with the female anyway and I feel funny inviting her like that… oh well.
Post # 28
I’m having a hard time finding a rule on this board that we’re following…
et-i-quette [et-i-kit, -ket]
1. conventional requirements as to social behavior; proprieties of conduct as established in any class or community or for any occasion.
2. a prescribed or accepted code of usage in matters of ceremony, as at a court or in official or other formal observances.
If no one follows the rule, and common usage changes, then the etiquette can change. We must change convention girls!!
Post # 29
Totally going to buck the hand-calligraphered rule…it’s not entirely clear to me why this is a matter of etiquette in the first place. I can see it being bad etiquette not to write the name of the recipient at all, but who cares if it was done by hand or a printer? Maybe it’s just out-dated given that new technology makes it easy to personalize printed invitations?
I also had no idea that a receiving line was a matter of etiquette. I’m planning on one b/c I think it makes practical sense for us, but why is it rude to talk to people individually instead? I don’t get it at all.
And seriously, it’s bad etiquette to get pregnant or engaged within a month of someone else’s wedding? That doesn’t even seem logical! I can see its being rude to stand up, ask the band to quiet down, and announce said news during the reception…but otherwise I think its far more rude for a bride to demand that all her family and friends halt their lives for x period of time surrounding her wedding.
I do understand some of the rules including some that are listed above, and I also understand that they might not apply in all situations. But many of the rules that people say are etiquette just seem like a way of normalizing things rather than having anything to do with making guests feel more welcome…which strikes me as the most important factor in deciding what to do.
Post # 30
I agree with what Melissa B & Mighty Sapphire said! I think "etiquette" is really what you make it, or what others deem is appropriate. The wedding industry plays on our emotions and makes us think that our guests will look down on us if we don’t do this or that, or word somethng this way or that way, and its so easy to fall into because our wedding is our opprotunity to impress our friends & family and show them a good time. Plus there are sooo many "etiquette" trends that are outdated and old fashioned back when women were married off. I will admit I still fall victim to following etiquette, but only sometimes
Post # 31
- Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall
I second the notion that you should be able to put registry information on your invitations. Maybe not on the invite itself, but on the reception card or supplemental info (like hotel blocks, etc) card. I still wouldn’t do it, since so many people think it’s "tacky"…. but I personally think it’s helpful. It’s not asking for a gift. People don’t have to use that information. It’s not like you’re writing "Please bring a gift from Macy’s or Crate & Barrel, or you’ll be turned away at the door." You’re offering a helpful tip for the guests who do want to get you something (and most people will do that).