If you did IVF

posted 1 week ago in TTC
Post # 2
Member
465 posts
Helper bee

We did IVF.  IVF is hard and expensive.  So is adoption. It’s not as if you just snap your fingers and decide to adopt, write a check, and get a baby. Adoption is FULL of heartache. Birth mothers change their minds. I know of two  couples who thought they were getting a baby – paid the fees, decorated the nursery, picked godparents, had the legal papers drawn up, and the birth moms changed their minds during the waiting period. Some countries are very restrictive with adoptions- South Korea won’t allow adoptions to parents over 40, for example. My best friend has adopted 2 kids after battling infertility and I walked beside her for the whole thing…both are emotionally and financially draining. We both ended up with kids though so it was all worth it- adoption for them, IVF for us.

Another couple has fostered 10+ kids in the 4 years it took us to go through IUI & IVF. We have a forever child now. They don’t.  It hurts every single time their fosters go back to their blood families, usually because my friends know they would be a more stable home for these kids. They have to guard their hearts every damn day. 

Bottom line- there are a lot of reasons for and against IVF and adoption.  But money isn’t a huge deciding factor. The average adoption costs $30k-ish. You can do about 3 IVF cycles for that amount at most good clinics in major cities. 

Post # 4
Member
1910 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I understand your curiousity but I’ll admit, questions like this really grate at me. To ask why we don’t adopt is to presume I don’t deserve to have a biological child because I have a health issue (which is what infertility is) that prevents me from getting pregnant. Adoption itself is not without heartache. Birth parents change their mind all the time. I cant imagine spending that type of money only to have a birth parent back out at the last minute. what we’ve spent on 3 rounds of IVF would not have covered the costs of private adoption. Adoption is far more expensive than most people realize. There are not guarantees in that process, either. I want to have a biological child just like all the other couples who try and get pregnant naturally. Nobody asks them why they didn’t just adopt?  The fact that people asks this question to those struggling with infertility is frankly, rude and incredibly insensitive. I’m not referring to you, but people who have asked me this in real life.  To many people struggling with infertility, adoption is an option but not their chosen path. We all deserve to have a child in whatever manner we choose without judgment. There are many reasons people would chose to pursue IVF. Maybe they want to experience pregnancy. maybe they think it will only take one round and thus, be significantly cheaper than adoption. Maybe they want a child that shares their genes and looks like them. Infertility is difficult enough without dealing with people judging the choices we make to try to have a child. The fact of the matter is, it’s nobody’s business how people go about growing their family. 

Post # 5
Member
1910 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

artvandelay :  my response came off harsher than intended.i didn’t mean for it to come off that way.  I respect your curiosity. I just wish people wouldn’t ask this question so frequently to people who are dealing with the most difficult emotional struggles a couple can possibly go through. 

Post # 8
Member
476 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

This might be a weird perspective, but it’s one I’ve thought about a lot. I haven’t done IVF (I’ve yet to TTC in general, actually), so I suppose my opinion is to be taken with that grain of salt. However, if I experience infertility and have the financial means, I will definitely look into IVF. My best friend was adopted and I understand what a wonderful and selfless gift that is. But for me, I know I want to at least try for biological kids if I’m able. I want to experience pregnancy. I want to look at my child and see my own features reflected back to me in bigger ways than just personality. I want my genes and my ancestors genes to continue on through me into another human being. I want to create life with my future husband and watch that life grow into a real human who can go on and make their own choices and see the magic of that all. I want a baby with my husband, and I don’t think that makes me a selfish person.

Of course with adoption would come a bunch of other experiences and joys that can’t be replicated and would be unique and wonderful and magical. That’s the joy of life: we get to choose what life experiences we want.

I don’t think there should ever be any shame put on anyone who wants to experience the most primal and heavily ingrained instincts we have as a living species on this planet. To shame or put down someone for that, just because their struggle is harder, when we don’t do the same for people who don’t struggle is really unfair to me. (I’m not saying you’re doing this, just putting that out there in general.) Why does anyone procreate when there are adoptable children? If the question is being put on couples who struggle with infertility, it should be put on everyone.

Post # 9
Member
465 posts
Helper bee

artvandelay :  I think you would be shocked to see the current list of rules about adopting from those Asian and European countries your friends came from. Just a sampling below:

 

China- all healthy babies are now adopted domestically so only children with “mild to moderate special needs” can be adopted internationally. Parents must be at least 30 years of age and must have been married for 2+ years before the 2 year adoption process may begin. Minimum net worth $100k. Parents must Be in good physical/mental condition (no diagnosed anxiety or worse).

 

Phillipines- parents must be between 27-45. Must be married 3+ years. BMI under 35 and can’t have diabetes, auto-immune disorders, anxiety, etc. Must demonstrate 5+ years involvement in religion. Can’t pursue adoptions from other countries at the same time – ie, must put all “eggs” in the Phillipines basket. 

 

Vietnam- only children ages 5+ who have medical or developmental needs are open to US adoptions.

 

Japan- no adoptions to single-sex couples. Must be under 45. Very complicated ($$$) Japanese court system to navigate. 

 

Other countries that were open to adoption 30 years ago are now closed, or do not allow healthy babies to be adopted internationally. 

Post # 10
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m in the UK so slightly different here. Our IVF would have been funded by the NHS (ie free) and adoption through local authorities is also free.

i was in two minds about IVF so did research adoption. We would not have been accepted as adopters here until we have either exhausted fertility treatment or had made a for commitment to (and made peace with) not undergoing it. If you are a straight couple with fertility issues they want to be sure you’re not going to drop out of the process if you get pregnant. 

Also in the UK it’s not common for children to be adopted because they were an unwanted pregnancy. Most adopted children have been taken from their birth family. The vast majority have fetal alcohol syndrome or were born heroin dependant. I’m not sure we were prepared for that. 

Post # 11
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

because I want to carry my own child. Jumping to adoption seems silly when there is so much that can be done before that. My husband was adopted, so it’s not off table, but just giving up and choosing adopting just because we have some fertility challenges seems a bit drastic

Post # 12
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I have many reasons for choosing the route we did for our children.  We did consider adoption and it’s still not out of the question for us.  We want to exhaust our options for a biological child while we still have time so we don’t have regret later about it. We could still be older and foster or adopt but as we get older it will only be harder for us to have our own children.  (For reference I am 35 and Darling Husband is 38). 

The potential for heartbreak after falling in love with a child and having the mother change her mind is a hard thing for me to get past as well. That being said if we complete 6 cycles of IVF that our plan includes and we don’t have success, we will probably take our refund and start the process of adoption. 

Post # 13
Member
3766 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

We did IVF. I was open to adoption but my husband really wanted a biological child. I also really wanted to experience pregnancy and our IVF was covered by insurance so it was a no brainer. Other bees did a great job explaining why adoption is harder and more expensive than people assume. 

I will add that with IVF you have the potential for more than one child. We did one round of IVF and got 10 embryos. We miscarried one, one became our daughter, and we have 8 left frozen. We can use our remaining embryos for subsequent children, which is SO much easier and less expensive than adopting a second child. 

Post # 14
Member
2655 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

artvandelay :  I absolutely would have LOVED to have adopted. There are many, many children in this world in need of love and it makes so much sense to me. BUT, where I live it is so difficult to adopt that if I’d managed it it would be like winning the lotto!!! My friend who adopted describes it that way and her kids are in their early 20s …. It’s a lot harder now. I had to jump through a lot of hoops to get my son but thankfully didn’t need to do ivf in the end. Having said that I would have done it 20 times to get him (esp knowing what I know now!) 

Post # 15
Member
2655 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

dgirl715 :  some of these really shocked me… Even if I lived tlin some of these countries I wouldn’t be eligible because of medical conditions.

Very true about laws. Very few local adoptions where I’m from and if you look at stats of kids adopted (under 150 per year in a population hitting 5 million) the vast majority are adopted to family members of the parents. Aside from that, for mh country, adoption is closed for many of the countries that we traditionally adopted from. I know a girl who lived in a country in South America for 3 years in order to adopt a child.

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