- 5 years ago
Hi bees, I am beside myself about a situation with my fiance. I wrote a post a couple months ago about how my fiance would really like to maintain close friendships with his ex girlfriend(s), but since that makes me really uncomfortable, he has accommodated me and not done so. (To my knowledge he doesn’t have ‘feelings’ per se for the exes, he’s just a really, really nice guy who cares about people he dated … he’s not a cheater and has not given me reason to distrust him … but I just feel strongly that if we’re building a life together, exes should not be in it at this point. We’ve tried to meet in the middle on that, even though our ideals are very divided.) I took down that post, so it’s not on the forums … but that is background story. So now we’ve got another problem that is related and I don’t know what the hell to do.
Bees, when I met him, he’d just been fired from a medical job. I dated him while he was unemployed for 6 months. A lot of girls would not date a guy who’s unemployed, but I believed he had good character and would find something soon. He found something four hours away. We did the long distance thing and the long distance was killing us. He was miserable at that job and left that – happily, for a job he found in MY city!
At this job in my city, he’s become miserable there too, even though it’s with the government and it pays really well and he lives 10 min away from me. It’s just grueling. He’s been complaining that things were better in the past in a place we’ll call “A” (everything is better in “A” … he’s very nostalgic about it. And even though he says he doesn’t have feelings for an ex, there’s an Ex who lives in “A” … in this super tiny town that he always wants to go back to … and he would like to be just friends with her again, but isn’t to accommodate me.) Anyways … At this current job in my city, the manager just gave him notice that he’s about to be Fired. This will be the 2nd time in two years my fiance will be fired from a medical job. His performance just isn’t satisfactory and it’s too fast paced and it’s supposedly cutthroat in the medical world..) So he’s scrambling to find another job.
I have asked him to consider other jobs around here, but he seems dead stuck on getting his old, comfortable job back in “A.” I told him a year ago (before we were engaged) that I would probably never be able to live in “A” and wouldn’t want to. One main reason is my insecurity … this Ex had a real hold on him in the past. He wants to maintain an “appropriate” friendship with her but I think that’s out of line because we’re getting married. Now he’s going to get his old job back and live in this super tiny town where the Ex lives down the street practically? Augh.
The real issue is not really exes, the issue is his job instability and that he thinks if I love him enough, we can do the freaking long distance thing again, he moves back to “A,” and then eventually I move there to be with him. I HAVE A STABLE JOB RIGHT WHERE I AM. It’s low paying, but it’s my own business, it pays the bills, and I can help support him here, if he gets another job around here. But he’s so scared from being fired, that he feels he needs to go back to his comfortable, nostalgic place where the job was secure. I guess he doesn’t think I should or can support him with my lowpaying job. He said he would consider other positions around here, but that it was a real gamble to try something that doesn’t work out – when the old job in “A” would give him the security he needs for his career. Right now he’s career-focused more than marriage-focused.
So his plan is probably to get his old job back in “A” because it’s comfortable. And he’s inviting me to do the long distance thing again. And right now I don’t think I can just move for someone who has been fired twice from jobs, is unstable, and is moving right back to the tiny town where Ex lives, but that’s beside the point … So do you just let someone go? Let him figure out his career? He seems like he’s not happy with any location except “A” … and he’s going to be lonely there, just like he was years ago, where the job was good, but he didn’t have the love of his life.
This is causing untold conflict and I don’t know what to do. He says if I love someone enough, I’d compromise and move/ do long distance with him in “A.” So if I don’t move for him, does that mean I don’t love him enough? Since I have stability here (and family), I might just have to let him figure himself out and let him go, and that hurts.