(Closed) If you don't move for someone you love, then does it mean you don't love them ?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1865 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

 Sooo – you wont move, he won’t stay, you don’t want to be long distance and you dont trust him living near his ex? 

Sorry to say but it sounds to me like this relationship has run its course 🙁 

Post # 3
Member
9740 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

That’s a tough situation. My Fiance is currently applying to PhD programs so we might be moving but he only applied to places we BOTH agreed we think we could be happy living. And I have moved for him in the past – we met when we were 18 and freshmen in college. He decided to go back to his home state at the end of the year and I transfered schools as well so we wouldn’t have to do long distance. It worked out for us but I fully admit it was more of a immature, hopeless romantic decision than a really well thought out plan!

So as someone who has moved for their SO and is planning on potentially doing it again in August (right after the wedding – stressful!) I gotta say if I were in your position I don’t know that I would move for him. Mostly because it doesn’t sound like he’s considering you and your needs at all when it comes to this move. You guys are a couple now, major life decisions need to be made by the both of you and take both of your needs into consideration. It’s not about how much you love him, it’s about needing to think of your own happiness and wellbeing. And it sounds like what he wants to do is trade your happiness for his and that’s not fair. 

Post # 4
Member
6272 posts
Bee Keeper

I think you can love someone and still make good decisions for yourself. Maybe that’s the situation you are both in here. 

Post # 5
Member
6787 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I wouldn’t move, at least right away, for his job when he seems to have difficulty keeping a job. 

The two of you don’t seem to be on the same page about what you want in life. If he stays where you are he’s miserable and if he moves you’re miserable. Is there any new place where you could both be happy?

 

Post # 6
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee

No, it doesn’t mean you don’t love them … not at all … it just means you don’t love them enough to move. 

It sounds like you want very different lives–he likes the small town life in “A” and you don’t want to ever live there, he wants to be friends with exes and you won’t allow it, etc. I think that means you probably shouldn’t be getting married. 

Also, you repeatedly state that the fact that “Ex” lives there is beside the point … yet a large amount of the post is about her living there. So, I don’t think she’s really beside the point to you. I would never be in a long-term relationship with someone who insisted I drop friends, whether they were ex-boyfriends or not. I think it is controlling and unreasonable and arises only out of jealousy and insecurity … and people who are jealous and insecure don’t tend to make very happy or stable partners. 

Post # 7
Member
30 posts
Newbee

I think that he could love you ‘enough’ to stay too. 

I think love is wonderful and is definitely worth some ‘compromising’ but if you aren’t happy there and he isn’t happy in the town you are in then love only goes so far. Long distance is one thing but if you are getting married then eventually one of you will have to move. It sounds like a problem that might keep coming up over again. 

Post # 8
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

He is not stable enough in a job for me to consider moving for.  I would also be suspicious of him continuing contact wiith exes.  He sounds immature.   I know–I haven’t met him.  But trust is an issue here.  I don’t think this is a sufficient foundation to build a permanent relationship on.

Post # 9
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

blueiris35:  Change is a freaky thing.  It also makes people act out because it’s sometimes out of your control.  

His behavior to manipulate you with “if you love me enough,you would move for me” is a really big red flag. I give you kudos for being aware enough to hesitate and look at the bigger picture.  Keep your job. Don’t leave for a place with no job lined up, plus you have your support systems in your city. Plus… He is not financially or career stable. Two situations of being fired? That is not something easy to deal with.

He seems like he is dealing with a lot of things on his own.  I would let him take care of himself and get better, but that wouldn’t excuse him to lower my standards in a relationship (ie letting him do things that I normally would not be okay with, just because he is “searching” for himself). This whole friendship with ex gf seems like it shouldn’t even be a big deal and for some reason it is, but who is to blame I don’t know. Reassurance, trust and communication are needed to get past moments of doubt or insecurities in a relationship.

Your situation reminds me of life guard safety rules. If the victim starts to panic, sometimes they can drown both themselves and the life guard.  In the past, life guards have drowned with the victim, so now they are by duty obligated to swim a safe distance away from the victim but continue to be by their side in hopes that the victim will snap out and start swimming on their own, but at the very least there is one dead victim and not two.

Don’t let him drag you down with him.  Keep your job. Stay where you are right now. If he shows improvement with time (months to years -are you willing to wait that long to restart a life with him?) then begin to make a plan to transition one or the other to city x,y,z. 

He sounds like a hot mess. No matter how hard you try, only he can get himself out of this funk, when he is ready.

Post # 10
Member
1295 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I see some red flags here on both sides.

First, I honestly believe its unreasonble for you to demand for him to cut ties with all his ex’s. If I were him I would have walked away when you brought that up.

Second, he has very unstable job history. I would not move for him for that reason.

Third, you say you don’t think you could ever live in “A,” and that is where he feels the most comfortable, at least right now in his life. If he is from a very small town, he may never be able to cut it in a high pressure, fast paced job. Many people from large towns can’t even pull that off. 

Fourth, he says that if you love him enought you will move. Honestly, if youmade me give up my friends for you, I would be pissed if you would not move for me. 

You both are not respecting or listening to each others needs in this relationship, and for that reason, it may not succeed. 

Also, if you can’t get over him living near or being friends with someone who was once an important part of his life, you need to walk away. If he thought it was inapporpriate to be friends with ex’s, he would not have been friends with them. This seems like a giant deal to you, and you need to find someone who truly shares the same belief or adjust yours. 

If you decide to keep pursuing this relationship, keep your job and don’t move, at least for now. 

Post # 11
Member
1200 posts
Bumble bee

Fiance is considering quitting and looking for another job. I know he’d like to look in other states, but he also knows that I’m happy and successful where I am, and I’d like to stay until a certain tenure milestone. We both know that a move could very well be in the cards in a few years, but he’s looking at local jobs for now. When one partner wants change, it’s not necessarily fair to expect the other partner to uproot his or her life too. Sometimes it’s the right decision, but it requires communication and compromise. The ultimate question is how does a move affect both of you, and is there something that he can’t accomplish by staying? For example, Fiance can find a new career path without is moving, whereas I can not hit a certain tenure with this company by moving. Therefore, it makes sense for us to stay. Now, if I was in a widely transferable field, and Fiance got a dream job in another state, it might make sense in that situation to move. Right now, it sounds like you guys are missing the communication and compromise aspect of the conversation. You can love somebody without being willing to uproot what you’ve established to follow a shell of a plan and a mediocre career opportunity. He is unhappy though, so I would focus on finding a way for him to satisfy whatever he’s missing without needing to leave. 

Post # 12
Member
9578 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

I have moved for several men in my life.. for some it did not work out, for some (including my fiancee) it’s been fine.  My advice, given my expeirence, is this (and a PP said this in a few more words): only move for someone if you made the decision to move together.  

 

Post # 14
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

blueiris35:  I  take my husband’s feelings into account when managing my interactions with others.  Courtesy has higher standards in marriage which engagement is the beginning of.  If my husband was really uncomfortable with me having contact with exes–and he would be–than I wouldn’t do it.  I don’t.  I wouldn’t spend time alone with any dude because it builds trust questions and insecurities.   It’s inconsiderate.  Other Bees press that maintaining relationships with exes and hanging around opposite gender like you’re still single is totally ok when engaged or married but I totally disagree on that.  I stay with my opinion that he is behaving immaturely.  Add not able to hold down a job?  This boy has a lot of growing up to do.

Post # 15
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee

Maybe it isn’t really so much about the ex, but about the fact that his relationship with you resulted in him having to give up the ex, who is a friend. You made him cut out a friend. There is a very good argument that that just isn’t fair at all and therefore it is a big sacrifice, whether he wants to hang out with her much or not. I am friends with a couple of exes and wouldn’t sacrifice my relationships with them because I don’t want to spend my life with the kind of man who would make me do so. Would it be a huge sacrifice not to see them or talk to them anymore? Probably not. Would it feel like a huge sacrifice to spend my life with someone who wants to dictate who I can and can’t be friends with? An emphatic yes. 

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