Post # 32
I’m one of those who is frusterated with one of her BM’s.. I cannot and will not kick that bridesmaid out of my bridal party.. A: Because she is my sister, and I have always wanted her in my bridal party.. and B: She has already purchsed the dress and shoes, and has been helping with the shower and ‘ette.. She is her, and I’m going to suck that up, because in the end.. She IS my sister…
Post # 33
@laughs: I have issues with my bridesmaids, I’m not saying that I get on the bee and YELL IN ALL CAPS like apparently everyone does? But they way I see it is this
I don’t have any other friends. These are the only women I’ve known this long, a few (or maybe one) is incredibly selfish and causes a lot of strife our reltationship, but I don’t have anyone else. My fiance has 4 brothers, and I had to have at least 5 bridesmaids.
Most of my friends are dudes, and my fiance wasn’t too keen on them being “bridesmen”
So yeah, weddings….they are frustrating in general.
People get on the boards to complain, because that is one great thing they are useful for.
Post # 35
THIS x 100. Why people feel “obligated” to have certain people in their Bridal Party, I really do not understand. If anyone had tried to tell me In was obligated to have an SIL/FSIL/anyone else in my Bridal Party, I would have laughed in their face. And I don’t even think it’s about who’s paying – although I’m sure there are some manipulative, controlling parents out there who think it should be.
Post # 36
i wouldn’t say i hated my bridesmaids. 2 of them were perfect, but 1 ended up being a total flake, which i was not expecting at all. she was the first to offer to help me with anything, but then always had an excuse to not do something or put it off. i wasn’t a demanding bride either- all i asked was that they buy their dresses, come to my shower (she lived locally, so traveling wasn’t an issue) and help me the day before the wedding. and she wouldn’t stop talking about how much she didn’t like the dress, which made me feel awful.
a lot of people said that the reason she was so difficult was because she was jealous and while i hate to think that about anybody, i do think it bothered her that i was getting married first.
Post # 37
I don’t see it that way. I don’t believe this is a boundry issue. It could ruffle a lot of feathers to not put certain people in the party and I am a firm believer in picking my battles. Who is in my bridal party and why I choose them has nothing to do with my actual marriage or our familial boundaries. It is about respect and tradition. That being said, I picked most of my bridal party knowing that they would not be the kind of party that actually helps me. Just the kind of party that wears the dress and smiles in the pictures. That’s fine with me since my motto is, “If you want it done right, do it yourself.”
Post # 38
I’ve seen it happen, where everyone is BFF’S 4 EVA <3 , then they get involved in the wedding, then suddenly everyone is terrible. No one sees it coming. That’s why I’m not having any BM’s. I’ve seen too much fallout.
Post # 39
I complained about a bridesmaid once in a forum. Some people said I was selfish or a ‘bridezilla.’
And apparently, the only obligation a bridesmaid has is to show up and wear the dress.
Nonetheless, I learned not to take my complaints to complete strangers. 😛
Post # 42
I personally don’t understand the purpose of having bridesmaids in the first place, but I am a little offbeat when it comes to most things.
I think PP’s have nailed it — top reasons there is Bridesmaid or Best Man drama:
1. Jumping the gun on picking people right when they get engaged, then the relationship changes.
2. Picking BM’s out of some feeling of obligation (they’re my sister or Future Sister-In-Law, I was in her wedding, or pressure from family somehow).
3. Having WAY to high of expectations. This one is easily the main source of the problem. If you expect anything beyond buying a special dress that they will never wear again (already ridiculous in my book), and showing up on that day with a smile on their face… then you are expecting too much. What brides need to remember is that NOBODY cares about your wedding the way you do, and people get SICK of hearing about it and feeling an obligation to “do stuff” for you just because you’re getting married.
Post # 43
haha SYTTD Bridesmaids has to be about the most unhip show on TV. So you are really hip by not watching it 😉
I think the problem comes in when brides are forced to have bridesmaids to keep the peace. Like having their FI’s sister or someone like that. I totally understand how this causes problems. The girls who select friends with whom they have always had a strained relationship are crazy. A wedding almost definitely will not bring you closer together if you are already having problems.
Post # 44
Bridesmaids can be perfectly lovely friends before they become bridesmaids. I think that the bad behaviours come about because.
- Often people who have nothing in common other than the bride are forced into each other’s company and personalities clash.
- Wedding in general seem to bring out the best and the worst in people.
- Weddings are emotional things that make people examine their friendships and can lead to drama because a bridesmaid feels less important than another to the bride.
- Miscommunication. Assumptions are made within the bridal party as to who is doing what and the bride suffers because she doesn’t get a shower, bacheloretter or etc.
- Or the bride expects the bridesmaids to be mindreaders and is upset when the bridal party doesn’t live up to her expectations.
- One member of the bridal party tries to force her dream bachelorette or shower that’s all wrong for the bride onto everyone else.
Post # 45
Couldnt have put it more perfectly. Cos ive made ALL 3 mistakes.
1. got engaged 20months from wedding date. Within a week i chose and my bms – bad idea.
2. The ones i chose (not thru obligation) are no longer there. My moh is my sis who i was against being moh cos shes 4 yrs younger than me and shes lazy as anything, and my Future Sister-In-Law who is no longer in it because she has had a major falling out with fi and doesnt want her to have any part of it. So ive resolved one “obligation bm” problem there.
3. I had a high expectation of fittings together, and ALWAYS alking about my wedding. When my best friend got engaged -major bridezilla mode hey lol bu all good now (:
this thread so helpful in helping me manage bm business (:
Post # 46
I always think this too, but I’ve also learned a lot about weddings in my 20s. I’ll be a month shy of 30 when I get married and I think that makes a huge difference between getting married at 22, like my sister did.
My sister was told by her Mother-In-Law that her SIL would be her Bridesmaid or Best Man. Bridezillas came out that year, so she thought it was normal to ask us all to have our hair up and french manicures. Funny thing is, she didn’t really have a professional photog, so to this day, there are no real pictures or albums that we don’t all look uniform in.
My brother’s wife didn’t have a bridal party, so I don’t feel bad not asking her. Because I’ve learned so much from others, I was OK with saying no to Mother-In-Law who wanted DF’s close female cousins in my Bridal Party. Granted, we did consider this as we’d add my brothers as well. I was nervous b/c my brother’s aren’t super reliable and I didn’t want them to feel obligated to do anything besides show up in whatever suit they desire.
So yeah, overall I’d agree that it has to do with people who feel obligated to have others in their parties. I also think age and expectations play a factor. If I feel obligated to have someone in my Bridal Party, who cares if they don’t want to participate in a bachelorette party?
I just think certain things aren’t worth the tension in the long run.