If you have kids from a previous relationship…

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Don’t know if this helps cause  I’m on the other side. My Fiance has children with his ex-wife. They’ve been divorced for about 7 years now. The kids come to our house every other weekend. He and the ex do not have the greatest relationship but they manage to co-parent. He did not tell her that we are getting married. He said he didn’t owe her anything. She found out from the kids. 

Post # 3
Member
9183 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
throwawaybee123 :  My sisters ex got remarried and didn’t tell her directly (also excluded the kids) and it angered her. Not because he was getting married but because as a parent she has a right to know as it effects her childrens life and can effect things like child support and alimony. 

I also think using your kids to break the news to the other parent is pretty shitty. Children should not be used like that. Being an adult and having kids means having to do uncomfortable things sometimes.

Post # 4
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2018

No matter what way you let him know, at least not through children. 

Post # 5
Member
507 posts
Busy bee

 Also, do the kids at least know about this “suprise wedding”? I don’t know how old your children are but I’d be a little freaked out if suddenly Mom’s BF became my stepdad without any time to process it. 

Post # 6
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee

I’ve always been of the opinion that parents need a heads up so that they can manage any reaction that may come up (their own or the kids’). The goal is to set each other up for successful parenting.

I would tip him off beforehand so he isn’t hearing about it from the kids.

Post # 8
Member
373 posts
Helper bee

I COMPLETELY disagree that he needs to be told.Surely he knows you are seeing someone serious. And NO, a new marriage DOES NOT affect child support. It only may affect alimony (and if you are receiving this, you go through the courts and request the necessary modifications and the court will alert your ex).  Of course, there is nothing wrong with telling him either but I fail to see how not telling is ‘shitty’. You owe him not a damn thing and no, not telling him should not affect the kids. He shouldnt be discussing personal grown up feelings in front of them anyway. 

 

By the way, I have two kids from a previous marriage.

Post # 9
Member
7806 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I have a shitty relationship with my awful exH and for the sake of our children took the high road and called him to tell him when I got engaged. I wanted to make certain he had as much time as possible to process the info before he was with our children. 

My Fiance did not inform his ex, she found out through their adult children. I would send a brief email or text message after the fact.

Post # 10
Member
2173 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
throwawaybee123 :  I see both sides. I am married to a man who has an ex wife and a child with her. We did tell her we were getting married but only because we wanted my stepchild to participate in the wedding and at that time, there was some “withholding” on her end and things were rocky. However; it is not something that is a requirement and no, contrary to popular belief from a lot of non-blended families– a shared child does not mean you have to funnel all information to an ex spouse or ex household. If your FI’s ex or your ex or whoever was so concerned about who you or he would be dating and/or marrying– then they should’ve stayed together. Like it or not, when you divorce, you relinquish the right to have a say in your new persons partner of choice– and if you suspect that it’s a bad situation– you take it up with them in a legal manner and take the proper steps to remove children from that situation…. not withholding from family events. That’s just petty, but very common.

 

That said– I would not spring a surprise wedding on grown adults. I can 100% understand wanting to keep things very private and close, but it’s not a great way to enter into a relationship with your future step children. They are adults for crying out loud, they can handle the news.

Post # 11
Member
8021 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I emailed my ex husband before I got remarried. I didn’t want to put my child in the position to be the “messenger”

Post # 12
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

My partner has an awful relationship with his ex and mother of his son, but we still decided to tell her in advance – just as a courtesy and to avoid any worsening on their relationship (which would then impact on his son) as a result of not doing so

Post # 13
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

FH’s ex married in 2016 and still hasn’t said a word about having done so.  I only know because I got curious and googled after we knew they were going to Vegas after dropping off all the kids here in California (hers and her now husband’s).

I’m widowed so no ex to tell.  I did inform my late husband’s family through Facebook when we got engaged, but given how little contact they have with my kids from my late DH I didn’t feel I owe them anything more personal.

FH’s ex will probably find out this summer after his son get out here for his visit.  He’s 7, he tells everyone everything.  I’m pretty sure the clerk at Target will know everything about our wedding by the end of summer, lol.  There’s no reason to keep it a secret. 

 

Post # 14
Member
358 posts
Helper bee

I think most children of divorce, including myself, will tell you not to leave it up to the kids to tell. It’s so hard and uncomfortable to be put in the middle. Being middleman and messenger was really horrible. 

Post # 15
Member
2476 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I have one son from a previous relationship. Pretty much same situation, we’re cordial for our son and he gets him every other weekend (well, lately less but that’s a whole different story).

When Fiance and I got engaged I told him the next time I saw him. He is aware we are getting married this year. I think just keeping him in the loop would be the right thing to do, I would just tell him the next time you talk to him after the wedding.

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