(Closed) If you knew your BIL is a cheater….

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What would you do?
    Tell her immediately : (38 votes)
    90 %
    Tell her when she becomes more settled with being a new mom : (0 votes)
    Never tell her : (2 votes)
    5 %
    Other ... : (2 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    127 posts
    Blushing bee

    Couldnt really understand everything BC of a formatting issue but if my Brother-In-Law is cheating I will not hold back. STD’s are real and I would not put my sister at risk if I knew.

    Post # 3
    Member
    1287 posts
    Bumble bee

    EDubbs:  It’s HER sister. And not only is he cheating, he tried to do it with HER. What a sicko. I would give Michelle the benefit of the doubt of her being fragile since she’s taking care of their child basically on her own anyways and that’s a hell of a lot of strength to do so. With the added support  Anne and their mom, I’d think she’ll be just fine. Better to struggle a little bit than to be in a marriage like that with HIM. UGH so disgusted by his behavior.

    Post # 4
    Member
    415 posts
    Helper bee

    You’ve got to get rid of that formatting. I can’t read between all of the gobbledy-gook.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1256 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    EDubbs:  How horrendous! I really feel for your friend and her sister being put in this situation.

    I would absolutely discuss this with her somehow, for a number of reasons:

    A) It was a first hand experience – it’s not like she’s passing on gossip

    B) I feel like it’s serious lying by omission to not say anything, particularly given this is her sister

    C) There is a serious potential risk to the Michelle’s health here

    I think the idea about engaging a counsellor could be helpful, but I would be mindful about not wanting to ambush Michelle, or make her feel like she was the last one to know. Hearing that her Mum and sister know something so personal might embarrass her, and prevent her from being able to hear the facts about the situation in the moment. I think your friend should have a one on one with her and just stick to what happened, rather than giving her advice, given what she knows about Michelle’s position in this relationship. Hopefully it doesn’t affect Ann and Michelle’s relationship (it shouldn’t, but these things are so loaded…). 

    But seriously, what a POS. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    982 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    The fact that he could be passing on STI’s to his wife is reason enough for her to speak to her sister. Let alone the fact he made a pass on his SIL!

    Post # 7
    Member
    11456 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    The advice I would give to your friend is this:

    In front of your sister, I would tell your Brother-In-Law that he needs to tell your sister everything, NOW, or you will.

    Post # 8
    Member
    2587 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    I’d probably punch him and tell her.

    Post # 10
    Member
    415 posts
    Helper bee

    Ok, here’s the OP with formatting removed!

     

    My friend Ann has a sister Michelle. Michelle has been married to Ed for awhile and they just had a baby boy a few months ago. So she’s a stay at home mom now since Ed travels all the time for work.

    Ann lives 8 hours from her home town and went home for thanksgiving. They were all at her moms house and everyone went to bed. The only people that were still up were Ann, Ed and one of his friends. They were all drinking and the friend passed out. Ann and Ed went outside for a cigarette and made a pass at her. He told her he wanted to take her in the basement and fuck her brains out. She screamed a whole bunch of obscenities at him and he laughed, tried to put his hand up her dress and told her how many “whores he fucks” on his business trips. She slapped him cursed him out more and ran into her old room shut the door and cried all night.

    She tried to put it aside since the whole family was over for thanksgiving and they were all having her family and eds family over their house. Her mom took her aside at Ann’s house since she was acting weird and she said nothing was wrong.

    Later that day Ed got stuck again and accused her of being rude and ungrateful in his house. Called her a bitch and told her to get out of his house. This one Michelle was there for and basically told him not to talk to her sister that way, but Ann got up, told him to go fuck himself and left. Her mother followed her and Ann told her mom EVERYTHING.

     

    So now she doesn’t know what to do. Michelle is having a really hard time being a new mom. She’s very much a single parent since Ed travels. She doesn’t know if this will just put her in a more fragile state. Also she doesn’t think she’d leave him if she tells him. On the other hand he could give her a disease. She has no proof besides her word. She’s also worried if she doesn’t leave her it’ll put a strain on their relationship and she won’t be able to see her nephew. They used to have a rocky relationship. She says Michelle knows very little about what goes on at her home and doesn’t questioning anything. Doesn’t know any of his passwords. Ann kind of wants to hire a detective so she’ll have more then just her word.

    I personally would want to know. I would also be mad if I found out that my sisters knew and didn’t tell me.

    I voted to talk to a family counselor about it and have a meeting with her, her mom and sister to sort it out… It’s just a horrible position to be in!

     

    Post # 11
    Member
    3379 posts
    Sugar bee

    I’ve fixed the formatting in the original post (and btw, this Brother-In-Law is not just a cheater but a sexual assaulter):

    My friend Ann has a sister Michelle. Michelle has been married to Ed for awhile and they just had a baby boy a few months ago. So she’s a stay at home mom now since Ed travels all the time for work.

    Ann lives 8 hours from her home town and went home for thanksgiving. They were all at her moms house and everyone went to bed. The only people that were still up were Ann, Ed and one of his friends. They were all drinking and the friend passed out. Ann and Ed went outside for a cigarette and made a pass at her. He told her he wanted to take her in the basement and fuck her brains out. She screamed a whole bunch of obscenities at him and he laughed, tried to put his hand up her dress and told her how many “whores he fucks” on his business trips. She slapped him cursed him out more and ran into her old room shut the door and cried all night. 

    She tried to put it aside since the whole family was over for thanksgiving and they were all having her family and eds family over their house. Her mom took her aside at Ann’s house since she was acting weird and she said nothing was wrong. Later that day Ed got stuck again and accused her of being rude and ungrateful in his house. Called her a bitch and told her to get out of his house. This one Michelle was there for and basically told him not to talk to her sister that way, but Ann got up, told him to go fuck himself and left. Her mother followed her and Ann told her mom EVERYTHING. 

    So now she doesn’t know what to do. Michelle is having a really hard time being a new mom. She’s very much a single parent since Ed travels. She doesn’t know if this will just put her in a more fragile state. Also she doesn’t think she’d leave him if she tells him. On the other hand he could give her a disease. She has no proof besides her word. She’s also worried if she doesn’t leave her it’ll put a strain on their relationship and she won’t be able to see her nephew. They used to have a rocky relationship. She says Michelle knows very little about what goes on at her home and doesn’t questioning anything. Doesn’t know any of his passwords. Ann kind of wants to hire a detective so she’ll have more then just her word. 

    I personally would want to know. I would also be mad if I found out that my sisters knew and didn’t tell me. I voted to talk to a family counselor about it and have a meeting with her, her mom and sister to sort it out… It’s just a horrible position to be in!

    Post # 12
    Member
    415 posts
    Helper bee

     

    EDubbs:  All you have to do is click the “edit” button below your post.

    Post # 13
    Member
    11651 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    Everyone says they would want to know but your friend should know that odds are high she won’t believe her sister. Her Brother-In-Law could and probably would spin the blame and say the sister came on to him. 

    this is why it would be better for her of you had proof from a detactics or something in addition to the sister. Otherwise, he could well use this to divide the sisters instead of it protecting the sister.

    Post # 14
    Member
    2181 posts
    Buzzing bee

    EDubbs: I don’t even see this issue as cheating–I see this as Ed being an irredeamable piece of shit who sexually assaulted his wife’s sister. Ann doesn’t need to hire a detective, she needs to tell Michelle what happened to her and what he said about his business trips. If Michelle doesn’t count her sister’s assault as a good enough reason to leave Ed, then Ann should limit her contact with her. Ann doesn’t need someone who will choose her relationship with the known abuser over their relationship as sisters because it’s more convenient and less uncomfortable for her to side with her husband at the time. Bonds between friends and family are worthless if they’re contingent on an asterisk like ‘but if the person who assaulted you is someone I like…’

    On the cheating note, I’m acquainted with someone whose relative is now fighting aggressive cervical cancer that developed from the HPV her cheating husband spread to her. So yeah, chemotherapy will put Michelle in a more “fragile state” than hearing about her shithead husband’s antics will. Maybe if her sister’s trauma isn’t enough to end it she’ll care enough about her own health or pride to make it happen.

    You have no obligation to protect the feelings or dignity of rapists/sexual abusers, or the people who knowingly associate with them. 

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Speck_.
    • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Speck_.
    Post # 15
    Member
    2487 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Does this behavior happen only when he’s drinking, or does he act this way ewhen he’s sober too?

    The topic ‘If you knew your BIL is a cheater….’ is closed to new replies.

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