If you live in the same city as your parents, how often do you see them?

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Wow Bee, this sounds hard. How would they respond to annopen and honest conversation about boundaries? Say “mom & dad, we love you guys and we so appreciate your excitement about the new baby etc but this is a new amd special time for us that we are figuring out and we need time to create a new support network, friends, community etc” Just to help them understand, if they don’t already? Also, you might appreciate the obsession when the baby comes and you need more support? (Just saying it could happen!) πŸ™‚

I would keep calling them out on offensive/intolerant behavior so that thr message is clear and consistent from your side. 

I live far away from my family, we used to live in the same city as Dh’s (huge) family. They are very close. We saw someone from the family every week, and would say we saw his parents weekly or once every two weeks, probably.

Post # 3
Member
2768 posts
Sugar bee

I’m no help. I see my family 4-5 days a week, every week, for at least a few hours at a time. 

BUT my family isn’t overbearing and isn’t demanding of my time. They aren’t controlling and no one is getting upset over stupid shit. My mom is not an “umbilical cord mother.” She loves us kids, but she has no interest in having us be her only lot in life now that we’re grown. 

So, for me, it’s different. We have multiple businesses together, and very real, adult relationships. No manipulation, passive aggressive, controlling tendencies. If there was, we wouldn’t be this close. That’s partly the reason we live across the country from DH’s family – no boundaries. 

We see my family – a lot – but there are boundaries set and visits respect those boundaries. If they’re ever crossed (which hasn’t happened in years), I’m the first person to ruffle feathers and get shit straightened out. 

I’d put your foot down, regardless of the reprocussions that might come (respectfully and calmly of course), if I were you. But I’ve also never been the person afraid to piss people off. Confrontation isn’t something I shy away from, family or otherwise. I firmly believe we teach people how to treat us.

Sorry Bee! I can imagine that it must be frustrating and overwhelming. Hopefully you can get the message across that you want boundaries and space, especially before the little one comes. 

Post # 4
Member
220 posts
Helper bee

I live less than a 10 minute walk from my parents and see them 2-3 times a week on average. They can be frustrating and overbearing at times about some things but I can tell them to back off and they’ll listen. And if I’m really frustrated with them or stressed with life in general then I skip out on one or two days.

Your situation is very different however and if my parents were like yours I would want to get away from them too. Do you think maybe it could work if you set up a regular dinner with them? Once a week or every other week depending on what you can all agree on? That way they always know when they’ll be seeing you next but hopefully not take all your time away from everything else you want to do in life. 

Post # 5
Member
6294 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

tillymac :  how often others see their parents isn’t really relevant as their family dynamics may be different, etc. I see my mum about 4 days a week for an hour or so as they live 10 mins walk from where I work, so I pop in after work until my husband finishes work and picks me up (we car share). I see my dad probably once a week/once every two weeks as he still works (my mum is retired) so is usually at work when I visit. I also go to the opera with both my parents once a month.

However, we have a good relationship and they are not overbearing or demanding. My Mother-In-Law is extremely overbearing (narc) and we cut her off a few years ago. Father-In-Law acts as a flying monkey for Mother-In-Law so I have no contact and OH has bkw started seeing him maybe once every couple months after a year of no contact.

Point being, it’s unique to the individuals and the situation. I would suggest joining DWIL for advice. You need to work at setting and maintaining boundaries.

Also, you don’t mention your partner, how does he feel about this?

Post # 8
Member
6294 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

tillymac :  well I definitely think distance is needed. How often you want to see them is up to you; if I were you I wouldn’t want to see them probably more than twice a year. I mean, there are people I really like and only see once a year.. Which is a good way to look at it incidentally: think of how much time you spend with people whose company you really enjoy, and then aim to see your parents much less than that given you don’t enjoy their company.

If your mum sulks, who cares? Just ignore her. Put her in a time out if necessary.

Also, I would stop visits at your home if they are disrespectful to your husband. Either go to their home, or, better, meet them in a neutral location. Much easier to leave yourself than to ask someone to leave, and your husband shouldn’t have to entertain people who disrespect him in his own home. On a similar note, your husband down have to see them as often as you do; if he wants to see them once a year or not at all that’s his prerogative, and so I would name sure he knows that. They’re your parents and so your issue.

Post # 9
Member
6294 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

tillymac :  re them not wanting to plan: well that makes it easier easier not to see them. If you offer a date that’s 3 or 4 weeks in advance (which is perfectly reasonable: I know my weekends are almost full now right up until April so I have to plan in advance),  give them a deadline to let you know by. If they haven’t let you know by that deadline, the next meeting gets pushed back to 3 or 4 weeks after your previous suggestion. And so on. The fact they won’t make plans is basically saying they a) do not respect you or your time and b) want you to know that should a better offer come up they’ll take it. In other words, it’s a huge slap in the face. Either they currently do not have plans in which case they can see you, or they do in which case they can suggest another date. It really is that simple and their refusal to commit is basically then making sure you know your place in their list of priorities.

The last minute thing is also often a control thing.

So, just don’t play their game. They’re not sure if they can come? ‘Well we will need to know by tomorrow as then we will make other plans’. It gets to the day after tomorrow and they say they can come? ‘We said we needed to know yesterday, we’ve now made other plans. We will let you know when we’re next able.to see you’.

Post # 10
Member
393 posts
Helper bee

As if they are doing this!! I couldn’t imagine my mum moving to another city just because I’m moving, that’s scary stuff!! 

Poor you and your poor husband, I hope the “weaning off” plan works for you, if not maybe it’s time for a very open conversation and be prepared for major major arguments 

good luck bee 

Post # 12
Member
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

We live a 5 minute walk from my in laws and a 10 minute drive from my parents we see each set of parents once a month

Post # 13
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Our parents are very close to us but we usually see them 1 time a month. And we’re all very close but I don’t need to see them more than that. Sometimes we will see mine 2 weeks in a row and then not again for 2 months. I love my family but I am also fiercely independent and private and need space.

Post # 14
Member
212 posts
Helper bee

I feel this. If I had to live in the same town as my Mother-In-Law I’d lose my sh*t.

I think the best thing you can do is tackle the “suprise” visit thing. That will create a lot of space.

Post # 15
Member
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

tillymac :  Well – I’m no help here. My parents live 20 minutes from ys. And they have mentioned wanting us to move closer / even asked if we would want to move in (ummm, no thanks). We see each other 1x per week and those are often sleepovers. We talk every day.  Depending on how busy we are, that gets adjusted. But, they’re super understanding. They never pressure us. We visit out of our own will. Lol 

Just continue to set those boundaries. And if your parents get upset, oh well. I would also have a very stern honest conversation. It couldn’t make the situation any worse than what it already is.

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