If you live in the same city as your parents, how often do you see them?

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

My parents live out of state but my in laws live about 15 mins away.  We usually do Sunday dinner at the house during the spring and summer (cookout, lay by the pool, etc) and maybe dinner once a week or every other week the rest of the year.  Sometimes we might see them multiple times a week depending on what is going on.  On those weeks it’s a little too much 😜

Post # 17
Member
10580 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

tillymac :  

Too bad you can’t qualify for some kind of Witness Protection program.

When my gawd awful abusive parents were still on the planet, they were about 75 mikes away.  I saw them on holidays, that was pretty much it.  I always went to their house, thankfully.

I never had kids, so that dynamic wasn’t part of the equation.

 

 

 

 

Post # 18
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

hahaha omg I’m sorry for laughing at your pain! That would drive me absolutely insane!!!

Let me just tell you that last year, my husband and I purchased property from his grandmother. She has a lot of acreage, so we purchased a few plots. She lives a few plots away from what we bought, so we were fully aware and okay with her being our neighbor. Since we made the purchase, his parents and siblings have already purchased land too, so that we could all be close.. good thing I love them because if I didn’t..oh man!

 

As for now, we are still in our current house, a half hour away from my mom, and a half hour away from his parents. I see my mom every day, only because we work in the same building. I only go to her house once a year though. My in-laws, we have dinner there maybe once a month. They stop by every now and again though. 

Post # 19
Member
9391 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I have a 2 year old. My mom and Mother-In-Law are local, we see them about 1 hour a week and rarely talk on the phone at all. Father-In-Law lives ~2 hours away and we see him every 2-3 months. My dad is CO.

You have to do what works for you and your family. No way would I talk on the phone for an hour a day!

Definitely start enforcing the boundaries now. It will be a lot easier than after having the baby when you’re more emotional and may have your guard down.

“That doesn’t work for us” is a phrase we get a lot of use out of lol.

Post # 20
Member
1424 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

We live in the same city as both my parents & my in-laws. I personally see my mom at least 3-4 times a week as I go by there on my lunch (closer to my work than my own house). As a couple, Darling Husband & I usually see my family at church functions 1-2x a week. We eat out after church on Sunday with them. With his dad & stepmom, we hardly see them but that is by DH’s choice (they’re jerks half the time).

Post # 21
Member
6440 posts
Bee Keeper

tillymac :  Do they know why you were moving?  They might honestly not understand why you’re moving. I would be very honest about why you moved away instead of trying to be so vague.  I live in the same city as both my mother and Mother-In-Law and I see my mom probably once or twice a month, and my Mother-In-Law only on special occasions.  they both understand that we’re private and don’t always want to see them.  But that’s something we had to be 100% honest about.  With family there is no beating around the bush

Post # 22
Member
1807 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

We also love in the same urban area with my parents and my in laws. We see someone from his family once a month and someone from my family once a month, but we are in more regular contact with my family through Marco polo. Like we polo each other multiple times a day, it’s awesome. By my family, I mean my parents, siblings, the nephew who is old enough, and the brother’s in law. It’s weird, I work with my parents, so I used to see them on the daily, but they transferred to a new building a couple of years ago, so I’ll only see them at work when either of them comes over for meetings. 

Nope they aren’t overbearing on either side, so I wouldn’t mind even more contact, but we’re all busy people.

Nowy sister has in-laws like your parents, very overbearing and don’t respect boundaries. They moved across the country to another state to get away and within the month, his mom and step dad followed them. Ugh. I would not have been happy, but my sister is pretty patient. After a few years, they moved back and mil had a business at the time and didn’t follow them, but after a few years, she developed ‘health issues’, so they returned. She’s better now, so they are making plans to move to another state entirely and hopefully, she won’t follow them again. Idk about dealing with this, it’s hard b and I wish you luck.

Post # 23
Member
6996 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

We live about 4 miles from my parents. We go through spurts where sometimes we see them once a week and other times we’ll go a couple of weeks. It all depends on how busy we both are. That being said they are not overbearing in the least. 

I think you just need to set up major bounderies with them. Stay firm and put your foot down. I would NOT be dealing with that crap but I tend to really enjoy my privacy and time alone.

Post # 24
Member
384 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I have the opposite problem! I live in the same city as my parents but they travel quite a bit. I maybe see them once every few weeks. I’d like to see them more but they’re too busy doing their own thing…Not gonna lie, it hurts and it’s something I’m trying to work through currently.

Post # 25
Member
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I see my in-laws multiple times a week (not by choice, FH lives there).  I’m not in the same town as my parents, but more like half an hour away.  I see them probably once a month, but I talk to my mother nearly every day.  I live in the same town as my Grandparents though, and I make the effort to see them once a week.

Post # 26
Member
5894 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

tillymac :  Oh man, your family sounds tough.

Back when I lived in the same city as my family we had one established weeknight when we always had family dinner.  It was a really nice tradition and we all planned our committments around it.  If I was home on the weekend I’d often see them once on the weekends too, but frequently I’d be out of town or off doing some adventure.  The dinner once per week was a nice touch point.  That said, my family is not (that) crazy.

Maybe you could try establishing something like that with your famliy?  We were lucky in that my grandma hosted, so we all just got to show up!  

Post # 27
Member
1773 posts
Buzzing bee

My mom and I have a pretty close relationship. I talk to her on average once a day. She likes to talk on her blue tooth head set on her 1 hour drive to and from work. So we chat most mornings she works. I love talking to her, there are times it’s been too much and I just don’t answer the phone if I’m busy or have a lot going on. She gets it.

I see my mom on average once every 2-3 weeks, either for a quick visit, grabbing a coffee or for a family event. Any more than that would probably be too much. I’ve lived with my mom twice since becoming an adult at 18 once when I had my daughter as a single mom for a year and she wanted to support me once when my marriage fell apart and I sold my house for 9 months. I love her but we can’t be in that close of contact we’re way too much a like and drive each other nuts. 

The amount I see my mom is just right for us and with the phone calls it works well. She also gets that I’m an adult with my own job, life and responsibilities. I couldn’t imagine her every moving just because I did.

Post # 28
Member
3065 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

tillymac :  Yikes!

My inlaws live 2 minutes ( literally abou 2 blocks) from us. I see them probably 2X a month for like dinners ect , usually less. 

His dad also watches our dog quite a bit/ comes over and helps us with things so I guess I do see them frequently but its like 3 minutes tops. I don’t feel stifled by it and honestly they help us so much it really is nice having them close.

My family lives about 25 minutes away and I see them usually 2 times a month as well but its not like a ‘ always come over for dinner’ type thing. I’m very close to my siblings so we like to hang out together and usually just go to my parents as a meeting place. 

Post # 29
Member
2014 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I had a bad relationship with my family, my mom is now gone and my dad might as well be dead. So, I can’t count them. 

His parents we see sometimes in the summer once every two weeks? But they aren’t over baring and it works. They are also older and going through some health issues so he likes to help take care of them. 

I would talk to them honestly and set boundaries or this will get worse once the baby is here.  

Post # 30
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee

Have you told them straight up that part of the reason you moved was to “establish your own family routine?” See that wording there? That’s the type of wording you need to be using, while simultaneously being very firm and stringent in your “rules” when dealing with them.

From the tiny amount of information you’ve given us, it sounds like they are crazy overbearing yet well-intentioned (They care about you and want to see you!). Unfortunately you are the one that needs to organize the balancing act. 

Use that phrase or something similar, wanting to “establish your own family routine” that’s just you and your husband before the baby comes, to explain to your parents why you need more space from them. Tell them exactly what you told us her – you want to make your own way in the community as an individual, and have seperate friends to see, while still making some time for parents too. 

3 weeks seems a bit long for my personal taste, but you are you, and there’s nothing wrong with that! Do what feels right. Stick to 3 weeks and see how it goes. Any type of retort from your parents and all you need to say is, “You know why I need space” if you go with the above conversation. 

As for recommendations, why is it a fight? Don’t even entertain your mother about such things. Say “we’ll think about it” and don’t get it, or even say, “No, thanks,” then completely ignore her if she continues badgering you. Don’t give her attention if she tries to guilt you. 

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