Post # 1
I’m curious how paying for dinner is handled in your extended family.
I had a bizarre situation happen. DH and I went to dinner with my 1st cousin’s daughter. She has a job (not well paying, but still a job!), is in college, lives at home, and is about to turn 27. Darling Husband and I are about 10 years older.
I’ve only hung out with her a handful of times, and the last couple times (once for her b’day and once about a year ago) I picked up the tab. Once was because it was her b’day and the other time (with DH) was just because I wanted to.
She initiated the get together, we all went – and when it came time to pay the bill – she just sat there! I had talked to Darling Husband about it before – saying, you know – I bet she won’t even offer to pay. But, I was hoping I was wrong!! DH left the bill sitting in the middle of the table, there was no discussion about it all – nor any effort to reach for the bill by her.
Darling Husband ended up paying for the whole thing – and, in retrospect – I feel like I should have said, “your portion is “X”, and handed her the details of the check”. But, I didn’t and bitter about the whole thing!
Post # 3
oops – (edited) misread that
That’s very weird. She should have offered to pay her portion at least
Post # 4
That’s pretty ballsy on her part! I would never expect someone that I invited to dinner to pay, regardless of age! I odn’t even expect my parents to pay for me anymore!
Yeah, I’d be bitter too. And def not rushing to another dinner with her.
Post # 5
@oracle: If I had initiated the get together I would have expected to pay for the whole thing, or at the very least my portion. I would not expect the other person to pay for my food. That’s just rude.
Post # 6
If we go out with our parents they always pay (both my parents and DH’s parents). However in that situation, I think a separate check would have been called for. Sometimes if I got out with my older sis she pays for me, but thats because I’m a student and don’t have income.
ETA: I never expect my sis to pay, she just chooses to sometimes. And both my older sibs let my parents pay as well, so they seem to expect it. I’m sure in a few years it will turn around and we’ll start paying for them.
Post # 7
That was extremely rude on her part, and she’s definitely old enough to know better. I always bring enough money to pay for my portion of the check, at the very least. Even when our parents or grandparents take us out and we know they will insist on paying for the entire meal, we always offer to pay and at least leave the tip.
Seriously, that is SO rude. I’d be bitter too.
Post # 8
I’ve thought about this a lot. A few years ago (before Fiance was around) I would go to dinner with my older sister and her husband, and kind of would expect them to pay as I was a student and they were both employed with good jobs. My sister finally said something to me that I shouldn’t always “expect” her to pay, although she does not mind. She was totally right– now we take turns treating each other.
Now, we (me and FI) always end up paying for his younger sister. She was a student (just graduated) and we are both employed. It bugs me sometimes, but I just try to think that I expected it, just like she does. I hope that now that she is getting a job (a great one too), she won’t expect us to pay for her anymore.
Post # 9
If I initiate dinner, I offer to pay the entire bill, regardless of who it is I’m eating with. In fact, I paid for my parents’ dinner last night. I do find that my older relatives insist on paying the bill most of the time, but I don’t expect it and I make sure that I at least pay on occasion. Also, I generally offer to get the tip if they won’t let me cover my meal.
Post # 10
I only do that with my parents and even then I offer to pay at least half the time now that I am gainfully employed. I would never do it with anyone else, though.
Post # 11
Whether it’s family or friends, in my “world,” the person or people who do the inviting is/are the person or people who do the paying.
There are very few exceptions to this rule, such as a tradition with certain friends of always splitting the bill, or an excessively-generous relative who prefers to pay regardless of whether he should or not. Otherwise, it’s Your Invite = Your Dollar.
In your situation… well, she was just plain rude. She was obviously expecting you guys to pay again just because you did before, which is not an assumption a person should EVER make. She initiated the dinner, so at the very least she should have paid for her own portion.
I know you mentioned the age difference, and I know why — you’re thinking, “well, she must assume that all older people will always pay.” That attitude is annoying in a child and unacceptable in an adult. She’s 27, c’mon now.
In the future (um, if there IS a future), take the bill case and lay it flat on the table. Grab your phone, and say “alright, let me get my trusty calc app to help me figure this out. You got the cobb salad and white sangria, right? Hmm, taxes suck. Oh well. We only need $18 from you! Damnit, lucky girl! Next time I’ll make Darling Husband order something other than lobster! *wink*”
Post # 12
10 years older is not that much older…
Anyways, we always offer to pay if we go out with our parents, but it’s often a bit of a fight. Sometimes we do, sometimes they do. If it were grandparents, we’d insist. For our couple friends or older cousins (some 20 years older than us), we always split the bill. At 25 and 28, we have jobs and can totally afford and want to pay our way.
Post # 13
I also wanted to add that, if you go out with her in the future, you should just ask the waiter “May we have separate checks tonight please?” at the beginning of the night…that way, she’ll get the hint, without you having to point out to her that she’s being rude (unless you want to point it out 😛 )
Post # 14
My parents and DH’s parents always pay. We always try to split or treat, and they never let us. I also have a very close family friend (my pseudo-aunt, I call her) who never lets me pay.
But I would never ever ever just assume that anyone was going to pay, esp. not someone who was only 10 years older and not that close a family member!
Post # 15
Did she at least say thank you?
Post # 16
Amongst cousins, I’d expect to split the cost. With my parents or his parents, I expect them to pay, and they expect to pay. They are waaay better off than we are! If we’re going out to lunch or something cheap, we may pay.