Post # 32
I met my now-husband when I was 32. He moved into my apartment at the 11-month mark. I broke my own don’t-move-in-without-being-engaged rule for him because he made it very clear that he considered this another step in our relationship and we were already discussing marriage. He proposed 4 months after that, when I was almost 34.
I was very clear when we met that I was not looking to “waste” my time, but I also didn’t really pressure him much. I’m not sure how I managed to strike that balance, but to be honest I think it was mostly the sense that I had found the right person. On some level I just knew it would work out. I wouldn’t say I never worried about it, but it was much less than previous relationships.
Post # 33
You situation sounds very similar to mine. I was 31 and he was 36 when we met. Neither of us have been married before and neither of us have children. We both have careers and he owns his own home. After all that I ended up waiting 3 1/2 years for an engagement. I was starting to doubt it would ever happen. The bottom line I can tell you is that there is no hard and fast rule to this. I knew from the beginning my Fiance was a slow mover. It took him 6 months to introduce me to friends, 9 months for family and about that long to say he loved me the first time. That was just how it was. You have to learn how your man opperates and then decided if that works for you. I knew from the beginning that I wouldn’t leave him, he’s WAY too perfect for me to want to look for someone else. I could never replace him! Sooooo I waited as patiently as I could. Now, close to the end I gave hints (some more sublte than others) letting him know that that’s ultimately what I wanted, but I didn’t try to pin him down to some timeline. In my humble opinion, timelines (deadlines) and ultimatums are not worth the stress they induce. I knew, even if I set a timeline, that I wouldn’t/couldn’t leave at the end of it anyway. So you have to make those decisions for yourself. How important is it? Would you leave afterwards if you set something like that in motion? How long are YOU willing to wait? Everyone is different, you have to decide what is best for you! Good luck and try to relax 🙂
Post # 34
Agree with you all! I think by 1 year you should be able to comfortably talk about your future together, and it’sreasonable to expect to be engaged well before 2 years, with a short engagement (assuming the couple wants kids! And wants to be married first). With the right guy, this should be easy and natural. Aslong as the discussion is about marriage and your future aweddi fall a out the wedding!
It makes me sad to see women wait and wait and make excuses for a guy who has no interest in marrying them
Post # 35
I would give it some time as 6 months is a very short amount of time. If you’d been together longer, like a couple years or so, I’d say no more waiting! But you don’t want to rush into a possible mistake…
Post # 36
@Yogachild: I’m 31 and was in a serious long term relationship of 7 years prior to meeting my current boyfriend. I was 22 when I met my ex and by the time we hit 3 years we were both itching to get married, but we waited….then by 6 1/2 years I was through with waiting and the relationship was actually failing miserably (fighting all the time). We were engaged just before our 7 year anniversary and we split up shortly after the anniversary.
Being that I’ve been with my current boyfriend for almost 2 years (2 years on Aug 25), we have discussed marriage but we are waiting so we can take care of some things financially, etc. However, I’ve told him that since we both want to have 2 children together, we should really think about moving on to the next step of our relationship. So, we set an age of 33 and married…or at least engaged. We’ll see if it actually happens or if we get engaged before then.
Post # 37
Personally I don’t think my age would be a factor in me making a choice to beome engaged or married.
Post # 38
Well good for you. For those of us in our 30s who want kids this is sometimes a necessary conversation. Surely there are other threads out there to which you can better relate.
Post # 39
I met my DH when I was 36. It was far more important to me that I spend some time getting to know him and vice versa and making sure that he was a man I could see spending the rest of my life with than it was for me to immediately have children. That said, other people have different priorities and I can certainly understand that. But I’ve been married before and I know how miserable a bad marriage can make your life. For me, I’d much rather be in a happy marriage and either adopt or be childless if I married too late in life, than risk marrying someone that I just didn’t know well enough solely because my biological clock was ticking. We ended up getting married two and a half years later, and I had not once even mentioned engagement when we got engaged two years in, although I had told myself that, if after two years we had not yet talked about it, it was a topic I would bring up. According to my DH, my lack of pressure on him made his decision that I was the right woman for him much easier.
Post # 40
Your situation is very unique and inspiring. In all my previous relationships, I have always been the one to say I love you first, initiate being serious, exclusive, etc. And of course, initiate marriage talk. Obviously, having never been married, that hasn’t been working for me. In this new relationship, I have never mentioned marriage in an “us” way. I’m waiting for him to do that. He has told me he loves me as a person but being “in love” takes a while. I do love him, but I’m zipping my lip about it until he falls for me. I think sitting back and letting him do things at his pace may work out for us. And if it doesn’t, I will have a few extra years of fertility left because I’m freezing my eggs next year. Thanks for sharing!
Post # 42
@cali_cat: you can’t say the wrong thing to the right man.
Exactly! That is why I always advice waiting bees to just be honest. If he is scared off or not interested in discussing it, that’s very useful information to have too. If he is excited and wants to talk about it, that also is very good information to have. My Fiance and I were open from the very start about what we wanted, and yes, my window is slowly closing too, so I didn’t want to mess around. It took us less than a year. I’d want to talk about it earlier than that, if I were you, though, since you don’t have time to mess around.
Post # 43
I’m 29 and have been married two+ years already, so this is hypothetical. But around the 1 year mark, I’d expect that a couple in their thirties should know whether “this is it”. If it were me, sometime within the next 6 months I’d want and expect to be engaged and actively planning a wedding. And under no circumstances could I see myself, at age 30+, waiting any longer than two years to be engaged with a wedding date on the near horizon.
Too many women waste too much time in relationships that aren’t fulfilling their needs because they are afraid of starting over. No woman should let the fear of the unknown paralyze her into inaction.
Post # 44
I totally understand where your comming from. Im 31 yrs old and have been with SO for 2 yrs and 10mths….I understand waiting sucks. Are you happy with So besides the marriage thing? I want to be married just as much as any girl on here but i dont think I would be able to bring myself to leave my SO just for that. Not that I dont think about it, I tell him all the time my clock is ticking, let get moving on this!
I would wait a year and have a serious talk, simply saying that you want to get engaged with in 3 mths and if that scares him in the least, Id say good by….I wish i would have done something similiar becasue here i am 3 years later and still waiting feeing like a fool waiting around on a man instead of the independent self sufficent woman i was when i meet him……. if i leave now ive wasted sooo much time
Post # 45
Been there, done that. I left my ex at age 31 because at 18 months, he didn’t know if I was the one or not. I asked if he would “know” by our 2 year anniversary, and he said he can’t promise anything. I got steppin’
Just wanted to add that my boyfriend is closing on his house in a couple of weeks. A 2 bedroom. On our second or third date, he said he wanted marriage and kids. I don’t get why he’s buying a 2 bedroom? He did say he will sell his house if he gets married. Yeah, in this economy, good luck selling that 2 BR and not losing money on it! My mom is a realtor and she said that people should hold onto their homes for at least 3 years before selling.
Post # 46
I would say less than 2 years.