Post # 1
DH’s friend cheated. DH wants to cut her out completely but he feels torn. He isn’t close to the husband but he does know him well enough. The group of friends they hang out with has divided up as well. It’s up to DH but I don’t think it’s fair to break-up a friendship based on principle. Yeah, she screwed up but that’s between her and her husband. Thoughts?
Post # 3
@mnp: I’d never get involved in something like this. It is none of my business and I am far from perfect so I try not to sit around making judgements of my friends. As long as your friends are good FRIENDS to you than that is all you should concern yourself with. So you friend isn’t a good spouse? Neither are a lot of people. It has nothing to do with you and your friendship.
If I cut out everyone in my life who did something “bad,” I’d be all alone…and doing my own bad things that others would judge me for.
Post # 4
@mnp: I wouldn’t do anything, apart from let them know that they could chat to me if they needed/wanted to, and maybe tell them to think about why they did it and if they wanted to stay in the relationship.
I tend to think that most people don’t cheat for no reason; usually, there is more to it than meets the eye, such as problems in the relationship. Ultimately, it isn’t my business, but my primary concern would be for my friend, not their partner.
Cutting them out of my life would never occur to me unless of course there were other issues with our friendship.
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
I wouldn’t get involved in their relationship but I would definitely stop hanging out with them because I couldn’t lie to her husband (especially if I get a bit tipsy one night) and I would feel sick to my stomach every time I spent time with them knowing that either she’s lying or the s#it is about to hit the fan when he finds out. That is unnecessary drama that I don’t need in my life. I would still be there for my friend but no more couples outings until I know what is going on with their relationship.
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
@barbie86: +1 , agreed
A close friend of mine has cheated on her husband. She’s still my close friend. I’m there for her no matter what because we’ve been friends for a long time. I honestly don’t think her husband is completly in the dark about it either. They both know they’ve had problems for a long time. He’s been sleeping on the couch for a year. I’m much more concerned with how unhappy she is at the moment.
Post # 7
@mnp: I have quit being friends with someone because they were cheating on their FI and always wanting to tell me all the details. She would get angry if I mentioned maybe FI wasn’t the guy for her and only wanted me to listen about all of her conquests. I eventually cut her out of my life.
However another one of my friends cheated on her SO and she felt remorse and came to the realization that she should leave her SO. She and I do remain friends.
So and I have both been cheated on in the past so I feel like if one of our close friends was cheating we would distance ourselves from that person for sure.
Post # 8
I think I would re-think our friendship if I had a friend that did that.
I wouldn’t cut her out entirely, but I would definitely hang out with her WAY less!
Post # 9
If a friend kissed a guy one night after a crazy night and it was totally out of character for her and she really regretted it and was trying to fix her relationship, then I would offer support and be what a good friend should be.
If the friend however was carrying on a long affair- emotional and physical and she was caught (not come clean by her own accord) then I would be at the minimum be spending a lot less time with her.
Post # 10
I’m not sure how this would impact me in any way. I’d have to classify this as no one’s business but theirs.
Post # 11
@mnp: I posted my dilemma about how my one of my BFF cheated on her husband–for the second time. I had many Bees tell me to dump her as a friend, which I found a little crass (I think people misunderstood that while I am ‘friends’ with the husband, I meant that I am friends with him and tolerate him because his wife is one of my besties). I am in the belief it is her life not mine.
She asked my opinion, I gave it to her, and I told her I would not meet her new guy until she was divorced and made this fair for her husband. She hasn’t given me any other details other than that, and I will be meeting this new guy end of October now that her divorce is underway and set to be final by the end of October.
As long your DH’s friendship doesn’t suffer I see no reason to dump her as a friend, but it is ultimately up to your DH. If he doesn’t value his friendship enough with her or doesn’t care if they aren’t friends anymore then by all means he needs to do what he needs to do.
Post # 12
@mnp: Hrm. I voted ‘other’ because I am not sure.
It would depend on the situation, I guess.
If my BFF decided to cheat on her husband, I would probably see it coming because she tells me everything (they’re madly in love so honestly I just can’t see that as a real situation, but still).
I can’t imagine losing my best friend just because she has troubles in her marriage. Yes, I’d be mad at her on principle but we are all human and I would be her friend first and help her through whatever it is that is bothering her – not abandon her at her worst.
So ultimately, I wouldn’t un-friend my BFF – because I know she’d have a damn good reason…but I’m not sure about anyone else.
Post # 13
Depends. If it was my closest friend then yes, I would tell her if her DH cheated. I feel that is my duty as a good friend. Just like I would want her to tell me if she knew my FI was messing around with someone else. If I found out she knew about it and never said anything then I would feel totally betrayed. For the most part I really do try to treat people the way I’d want to be treated in these situations. I’d want to be told and I respect my friend enough to tell her, even if it will hurt her. I think cheaters are scum and I could not just knowingly stand by while that went on under her nose. Now if she was cheating then that is when things start to get grey. I feel like as her friend my loyalty really lies with her, so I don’t think I’d run off and tell the husband or unfriend her. I would however strongly suggest that she be fair and things with her DH.
If its just an acquaintance or distant friend then I would probably stay out of it.
Post # 14
@mnp: i think it would be difficult to remain close to someone who is having an ongoing affair but if the couple is breaking up, i would feel differently. i wouldn’t want to be put in a position where i had to lie for a friend or anything.
i am not supporting this action but most people who cheat do so for a reason. we, as outsiders, do not know what goes on behind closed doors.
Post # 15
I really hate cheating.I have had friends who have done it and if they ask my advice I am brutally honest. I think when breakups happen and it’s a close group of friends people pick sides.
But given your husband doesn’t really know the guy I don’t get why he would cut her out. To me that is akin to plastering a big scarlett letter on her forehead and shunning her. People are human and they make mistakes, and I can be personally disappointed in choices friends make, but I wouldn’t cut out a friend who did something that didn’t even directly affect me. I also wouldn’t lie or coverup anything for that friend.
You don’t have to condone and support the action, but you can still support. love, and be a friend to her.
Post # 16
I have been in a couple situations like this. I had a guy friend who slept with multiple women acording to what my friends told me and this was all in high school early college for him but he has been a good friend to me and I’ve been there for him when he needed me and these past couple years I heard he has cleaned up his act and has been a better person since then and I’m very proud of him. Another situation was something I was close enough to as far as far as the situation but the difference is she went bunkers on me. Anyways this lady friend I had she is now 25 and I’m 22 but anyways when she was dating her boyfriend of three years after dating for a few years she started talking to a guy on video chat who when she was 23 24 he was 16 17 years old. she confided in me about which two guys she should go for. At the time I thought she should have gone for the new guy but good that she didn’t cause later on I realize he was a jerk aka the guy on video chat but anyways I helped her the best I could and the next day she turned on me saying my mom says if you talk bad about my bf of three years that she will end our friendship. my lady friend and I fought over this and we haven’t talked for a few days. We made up but our friendship eventually ended on loyalty issues this past year but since I ended my friendship with her I hear from my other friends that she was cheating on her bf with this guy she met online and showing this guy her private parts and naked pictures when she was still dating her bf of three years. At this point I’m like I’m glad I ended my friendship with her cause not only she treated me like crap but she’s being immoral. But I guess my point is as long as the friend treats you well and is somewhat remorseful then I would say continue the friendship but if this person keeps telling you the details and haa little remorse then I would question the friendship and lack of judgement.