(Closed) If your SO did not propose within your timeline… please share!

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
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  • Post # 61
    Member
    251 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    anonp:  Exciting times for you!!! Please let us know how things go 🙂

    futuremrss2016:  I’m glad things are okay between you two! I remember your last post was of a specific date that he was to propose, and then I didn’t see you on the site anymore. Agreed, it’s such a blessing to be with the man that you know you could never replace, and that you’re meant to spend your life with.

    Post # 62
    Member
    184 posts
    Blushing bee

    blissfulheart:  It’s honestly one of the many reasons I know he’s the one, because I am happy just being with him and couldn’t imagine life with anyone else. At this point the ring is just a bonus. We already live together and know we’re going to be together for the rest of our lives.

    Post # 63
    Member
    4 posts
    Wannabee

    Did you have a timeline that was ignored?

    When I was 24, I started dating a decent guy. I was convinced he was “the one”. After one year of dating, we moved in together. After another, our lease was up and he suggested, he really wants to buy a house together – which included shared mortgage. I was reluctant to that kind of financial commitment without marriage, but he made it clear, that he did not want to get married “with bare ass” – meaning he wanted to own a home first. To the end of the third year it became clear, that he was comfortable just cohabiting and is not in any hurry to another commitment – despite the fact, that due my health condition it was going to be very hard for me to conceive and carry a child full term, and also despite the fact he knew, I would never start a family without getting married.

    Did you confront him, and if so what did he do in response?

    When I confronted him, he told me I was ruining the romantic side of relationship and that he doesn’t like to be pushed, so I didn’t bring it up anymore.

    Did you end up getting engaged, or did you end the relationship?

    I wanted to get married when we dated for two years. So when the third anniversary came, I knew it just won’t happen. I broke up with him, left him, transfered the house and mortgage to his name, and worst of all – since I had to move to a tiny appartment shared with strangers due finances – I had to leave my cat and dog behind – which resulted in my mental breakdown. 

    Do you have any words of wisdom for those of us in this stage of waiting?

    Make your timeline VERY clear as soon as you get serious with a guy – 6 months should be enough. This still might not help – currently I am in a relationship, we live together, we got a dog together – but I’m getting 30 in 5 months and our anniversary is in 6 – and everything suggests he’s content with just cohabiting. I don’t think I can handle another mental breakdown from leaving a partner, a home, and a pet again…

    Post # 64
    Member
    502 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2016

    my SO DID NOT follow the timeline i was thinking of. i told him that after dating someone, i’d want to engaged 2-3 years after. however, he proposed to me 1 year after we started dating. in that 1 year we did move in together (pretty much from day 1).

    when he proposed to me my initial answer was “WHAT, WHY? THE TIMELINE” but did say “yes”!

    i think at the end of the day no matter what timelines we have, your SO will propose to you when HE IS READY.

    for us, it all worked out and i’m glad i said yes 🙂

    Post # 65
    Member
    59 posts
    Worker bee

    I don’t believe in timelines.  I believe in clear communication about what you both want in the future in regards to marriage, kids, etc.  But putting a timeline on something so huge is not a good idea. 

     

    Post # 66
    Member
    34 posts
    Newbee

    I don’t understand why people get so upset over setting a timeline.  In an ideal world, two people decide they want to marry each other at the same time and everyone is happy.  In a not ideal world, one person is ready to marry and the other either isn’t ready or doesn’t want to but won’t say that.  In a world where woman power and women’s rights are getting so much attention, it’s crazy to me that we’re still told to sit back and wait for a man to be ready.  I don’t believe in pushing someone to marry you if they don’t want to, but at some point you have to stand up for yourself and what you want in life.  I told my boyfriend two years ago that he was the one for me and I wanted to marry him.  He said he wasn’t ready at that time, and I was respectful of that.  We looked at rings over a year ago, and he has said he wants to marry me, but he has yet to propose or even be willing to engage in talk about timelines or when we would get married.  I bring it up in a serious conversation about twice per year, which I think is far from nagging.  

    I don’t think people realize how heartbreaking it is to tell someone you want to marry them and for them to repeatedly say, “No, I’m not ready yet.”  At this point in my life (early 30’s), it’s becoming unfair to me to repeatedly be put on hold from someone who is all talk and no action.  I don’t have another two years to wait for him to “be ready” – because maybe he won’t be, and I’ve lost my chance to have children.

    I have yet to give him an ultimatum because I really don’t want to, but I am reaching a point where I will leave by a certain time if he doesn’t come around.  My question to those with timelines is – did you tell him you’ll leave if he doesn’t meet the timeline?  That sounds like an ultimatum, but otherwise there’s no recourse for not following through.

    Post # 67
    Member
    54 posts
    Worker bee

    Did you have a timeline that was ignored? 

    Oh yea way too many –  when I turned 30 then 31 32 got pregnant had the baby 33 and the other day my bday 34 

    Did you confront him, and if so what did he do in response? 

    He gets angry annoyed and confrontational – claims he wants to get married gives 100 reasons why – we don’t have the money he’s saving – he wants to plan a huge surprise – if the argument gets real heated he has told me reasons I’m not marriage material then he takes it all back apologizes says he only said those things in anger 

    Did you end up getting engaged, or did you end the relationship?

    When I turned 34 the other day I looked in the mirror and I couldn’t recognize the person I used to be anymore – the amount of pain I feel for dedicating my life to this person is insane – I literally feel heartbroken pains in my chest – I cried my whole birthday and couldn’t get out of the bed and he watched me kept trying to console me and I told him to move out – I took his key to the house – the issue with us is that we have a 1 1/2 yr old and we had agreed to me staying home with me – I’m so scared to be alone – I’m not going to be able to get a job that pays enough for rent and daycare – I’m stuck and basically will be flag broke – I don’t trust anyone enough to watch my son except for 2 people -and I hate that I will have him in my life forever after this – and hate that some other woman will marry him and get to be around our son  

    If you ended up getting engaged, how long after the initial timeline did it happen?

    we haven’t and we have dated for 7 years been waiting for 4 years now – he said he wanted to marry me 6 months into dating – always wanted kids and talks about having another one unwed – he calls me his wife and I remind him that I’m his gf – now I say soon to be ex gf – he keeps pushing for us to go on a vacation – and I tell him no because that should be our honeymoon – we’re supposed to be engaged remember??  

    Do you have any words of wisdom for those of us in this stage of waiting?

    Im not sure I have any wisdom on this subject – I’ve dropped hints – read articles on this – done all that I could – bearing his child should have been enough for him to want to marry me – he had me pick out a cheap ring when we didn’t have the money – never bought it – had me again pick out a ring same thing – I thought it was because he was working so much and has a long commute to work – life got busy and he’s lazy – now I’m not sure if his intentions were ever legit 

    I feel like I got played it’s a joke – I have a huge c section scar and severe stretch marks on my stomach – I had long beautiful blonde hair and most of it fell out from stress and hormones after the pregnancy – I had to cut it short at my chin and I hate it – he hates it and told me so that makes me feel worse since it’s out of my control – I remember when I met him I was 27 super fit size 3/4 running 5 miles a day so happy I was a catch – now I’m really not –  I’m a size 12 –  idk if my post baby weight that I’m losing now has something to do with him being like this – if so then I don’t want him anyways – men still hit on me all the time @ post office supermarket bank etc but I feel so worthless and ugly like I can’t start over again  – I don’t want to flirt I’m still so so stuck on my man that it would feel like cheating –  who would want to be with me now? I’m broken – he’s started working even more he says to save for the ring but I feel in my heart it’s to avoid me and the baby – we have no ring picked out right now 

    I’ve taken this time to reevaluate my life and lift my self esteem back up – over the past 6 months I started working from home and I’m using him now to fund it – I take my son all over he place and live my life like I haven’t in a while – we went to a sunflower field – the farm – a winery – play funhouses – hiking – gardens – and now I’m going on a mini trip with him to visit a waterfall – I want to look back at this time period and feel like I lived not waited – and me and my son will have done so much 

    I’ve also become way more successful like a fire was lit inside me – I have more drive to better myself – I became an amateur photographer and I’m getting paid work now for product photography – I often feel proud of myself and eventually my self esteem will come completely back – some days I daydream about us and then I realize I’m being silly – because he’s not even thinking shout my needs and wants 

    He has said many times that the baby the car we own together and our long relationship is commitment.. that him giving me money shows he’s committed? that he’s fully committed and I tell him that this feels like your not – if he’s keeping his options open and won’t choose me as his one and only he’s the opposite of committed – this feels more like a betrayal – I’m so angry bitter resentful don’t be like me – stick to your timelines – I never ever wanted to push him into marrying me but I wish I had way way earlier so I would have realized sooner what I was dealing with – now I have my son I have to worry about and my SO only cares about what I’m planning on telling his family friends and our son about him some day – and I told him I’m telling them all the truth 

    Here is how to find out if your guy really wants to marry you – a great compromise no brainer – if money for the ring is the reason he is saying to wait – tell him to propose to you with ANY ring any junky POS ring – then you will go buy one together or save together – if he gives u 50 reasons why he can’t.. waiting for the right time, to finish school, to buy a house, get his career in order – if he won’t even do propose with a junky ring after some time there’s a huge huge underlying problem there – that you aren’t the one and he has second thoughts – and you need to pack your bags 

    You could go to the justice of the peace with him – make it easy and cheap if money if the issue – many men seem to not want to spend thousands on a ring – they think it’s impractical for the ring and the price of wedding halls etc 

    For us he was the one who said he wanted to pay for a small wedding w his family and picked out a few local places – I wanted to elope – go on a vacation somewhere and get married while away – he wants to go on vacation all the time anyways – he even told me to pick out our honeymoon spot which will end up being cheaper than having a wedding – wanted me to start planning it??? Told me I should start doing everything even buy a dress – He’s never even proposed! Can’t believe how much time has been wasted and I’m still here 

    Now we aren’t speaking to each other – told me I’m cryptic like a plague I need to shut up about this he needs to be taught how to be romantic that he doesn’t know how said I’m ruining the relationship ruining everything- which is fine he can twist it back on me like me wanting to marry him makes me some sort of monster – it just all seems like a big steaming load 

    if he were to magically propose tmw I would tell him no

    Post # 68
    Member
    175 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2019

    stayingforthepromise :  honey, this man is TOXIC! You did the right thing to kick him out the door. It’s not even about the ring anymore. This man does not love you and he is belittling you. Someone who truly loves you should not be making you feel like that and make you go through that. The only thing left to do now is to pick up the pieces in your life, and create a new one for yourself and your son. 

    Post # 69
    Member
    54 posts
    Worker bee

    I’m not sure why my most says 1 week ago because it’s been almost 4 weeks since I posted that above – since my last update – we got back together he had me pick out another ring – he said he has wanted to marry me since the beginning and I’m his soul mate – we had long talks about it he cried about me wanting to leave – I was really reluctant but I ended up picking out a bunch of rings and emailing them to him when he was @ work – that way it was still like he was picking it out – I told him about it – then a week later I asked if he checked the emails – he said what emails? I went ballistic – then he sent me screenshots of him placing an order – so we were fine everything got better – then I checked on the one he was supposedly buying and he didn’t do it 

     so then I said buy me a $5 ring $10 ring any ring and propose or I have to leave – he said he would do that and then he would buy the real one later on – well.. a bit of time passed and that didn’t happen but I saw he bought a PS4 and games for about $400 – he brought it home and made this big purchase without me – to me that’s a weird big purchase since we are supposed to be buying a ring a house etc – so I said that’s it get out now I’m moving on – as I was walking out the door he got down on one knee to beg for me to stay – and I walked out the door  – I texted him be out of my apt over he next few hours – I’m now realizeing I probably don’t even cross his mind – he went to a store to buy himself that but couldn’t get me a $5 ring?? He said it’s because he’s too embarrassed to propose w that now – all games lies a joke  

    So I went to the park all day that with my son – I home come 5 hours later and he’s still there playing video games – acting like nothing at all happened – I said u need to start getting packed – he kept trying to hug me and even trying to start getting it on – I told him get the F off of me – I thought about calling the cops to get him out at this point – I love this person so much and I can’t believe it’s gotten to this point – don’t believe anything he says now at all – I think I’m going to take all his stuff out of my house tmw when he goes to work I took his key away – I feel like I’m turning my back on my best friend betraying him when the fact is he really isn’t choosing me or committed at all – the fact that I had his child and I’m still not good enough boggles my brain 

    when he got down on his knee in our dirty kitchen because I was screaming and sobbing that was a real slap in the face – woke me up – how utterly romantic – I’m forcing you to propose because I’m now ending our relationship – now all of a suddenly want to marry me after watching me cry day in day out from your rejection 

    Tell me your thoughts on this I feel so lost 

    Post # 71
    Member
    1 posts
    Wannabee

    <div>Did you have a timeline that was ignored?</div>
    <div> </div>
    <div>Yes, two years.</div>
    <div> </div>
    <div>Did you confront him, and if so what did he do in response?</div>
    <div> </div>
    <div>Yes, his financial situation isn’t the best right now. Yada yada yada, marriage is serious yada yada yada (we know that) and I want to be financially ready and all this other BS. The crazy thing about our situation is, he’s the one who wanted to marry me after 3 months of dating, we were looking at venues online, getting quotes and everything. I never brought up marriage; I was just having fun. Ironically he’s pulling back.</div>
    <div> </div>
    <div>Did you end up getting engaged, or did you end the relationship?</div>
    <div> </div>
    <div>Still waiting, he has broken up with me several times because of his own personal issues. It’s been three years and some change and every time he comes back I tell him I expect a ring by the end of the year and he agrees and every time it never happens. I grew tired of his BS yesterday when he told me, I want to be ready and sure because I’m not getting a divorce. To me that says, you’re still not sure about me despite being together for almost four years and you’re still not ready. I then asked, him, why am I looking for jobs and apartments closer to you and his response was to be closer to me. But we literally talked about finding an apartment two weeks ago and being engaged now you’re saying “I want to be ready”. He’s so damn confusing. So I set an internal deadline July 2, 2018, If he hasn’t proposed by then, I’m leaving–It will be four years by the end of this year. I’m 29 and about to be 30 by the end of this year. I don’t want to be 30 still waiting on a ring, I’ll probably never get. Sometimes you ignore your intuition. </div>
    <div> </div>
    <div>I wanted to get engaged at 28 and be married by 30, so my future husband and I can have some fun/travel before we have kids. I’m pushing 30, if I keep waiting, by the time I look up I’ll be 35. Although he said he has a day he wants to do it but he tells me the same story every year. And he wants to know that I’ll still be here if we don’t get married because he will still be with me if the role was reversed. Now that I’m writing this on paper, it’s pretty silly and clear that he’s not ready! I told him I don’t want to have kids out of marriage and to be cohabiting with him knowing it’s against my beliefs. So now I think he’s just saying things to keep me around. Honestly, I think he’s afraid to get married, he’s 31, if this is true, just tell me so I can move on and stop coming back every time you break up with me. </div>
    <div> </div>
    <div>If you ended up getting engaged, how long after the initial timeline did it happen?</div>
    <div> </div>
    <div>Keep you posted.</div>
    <div> </div>
    <div>Do you have any words of wisdom for those of us in this stage of waiting?</div>
    <div> </div>
    <div>Be true to your timeline, I wish I would have left after two years. I would be far along by now but I was being hopeful. Anything past two years is a sign the person isn’t serious or “real life” obstacles have prevented him from stepping up. If he can buy a playstation he can put a down payment on a ring. If he can get a big tattoo, he can put a down payment on a ring.  Let’s think logical for a second, he’s buying all this stuff and yet there’s no ring. The harsh reality is he doesn’t want to marry you despite all the promises he made; empty promises is what they are. Action speaks louder than words. Please listen to your intuition, you don’t have to settle for anyone. You know your worth, you can forget your worth at times but remember who you are. If marriage and kids are what you want, go for it, don’t wait too long because unfortunately, we have a biological clock that keeps ticking. If you’re afraid to leave because you think he’s the one, if he is the one, he’ll come back to you with a ring. And even then, I would question him about the ring. If he doesn’t come back he was never the one and he was toying you around. Protect your heart beautiful ladies!!!</div>

    Post # 71
    Member
    184 posts
    Blushing bee

    I had a timeline in my head and at the six year mark I felt like I was really ready but he went through a phase where he wanted to revert to a teenager and just have fun which was really upsetting to me. He kept telling me that he would propose “soon” but his actions wernt showing that decision. He started going out with friends at night and hanging out with a girl from work. We had been dating for 6 years but we were also pretty young. I decided to breakup with him because I deserved to be treated better.

    After 2 months I gave him a second chance after a lot of begging on his part. He needed time to have fun and learn what he really wanted for his future. During our time apart I had the time of my life hanging out with my friends. I learned to stand up for myself in my relationship and that I can thrive on my own no matter how scary it seems to be alone. 

    7 months after we got back together he proposed and has been acting like an angel ever since. 

    Post # 72
    Member
    46 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having personal timelines.

    I wanted to be married by 24 (was happy with a short engagement) so I could be married for 2 years before I started having kids at 26, then have 1 a year (4 in total) and that would all be done by the time I was 30. This would also have the bonus that they should pretty much be financially independent of us by our early 50s. We’d (my husband in particular) would have done very well in our careers, and be able to retire in our 50s.

    This was my timeline when I was around 22 (we’d been dating since 16) and I told my now husband because communication is key. Also it’s fun to talk about what you want in life, I can’t imagine not doing that with my long term partner and best friend. He bought me a promise ring a couple of months later and promised to propose by our 7th dating anniversary, a timeline we both agreed on , and he missed his deadline by 3 minutes 😂

    I’m 27 in 6 months and not pregnant so something went wrong with the timeline 😂 but life goes on!

    Also, some guys literally will not think of marriage if you don’t tell them it’s what you want. I have seen so many guys suddenly propose to their long-term partners when their siblings/friends get engaged, like they suddenly remember it’s a thing! And even if you tell them you want to get married, they might think “oh yeah someday” and then completely forget about it, so I would recommend letting them know your expectations.

    If it’s important to you to get engaged/married by a certain age/point in your relationship, let your boyfriend know. Why wouldn’t you? And don’t worry too much if it goes over a little, but remind him what you want and see if there’s a reason why it hasn’t happened. If there’s a point which you can’t wait beyond, leave. That will depend on how important marriage is for you anyway, and then how important your timeline is to you.

    I hope I’ve been somewhat helpful!

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