- 4 years ago
- Wedding: December 2014
My husband is Korean (born and raised in Korea), and I’m not. I met his parents in Korea within 3 months that we started dating. But the only reason he introduced me that quickly was because he and I were both quite certain that this was “it”. So he introduced me to his parents as the person he would one day marry. He’s had several gfs in the past, but only introduced 1 ex to his mother (not his father). He said he would only introduce the person he’d marry for sure to his dad.
It’s definitely cultural. Most Koreans do not introduce SOs to their parents unless it’s quite serious. There’s so much potential for conflict and interference, and most people try to avoid it until it’s absolutely necessary.
I’m Chinese. I waited nearly a year to introduce my first bf to my parents. My DH met mine at 9 months and it still felt a little early. In Asian cultures especially in first generation it’s a big deal, usually only really serious relationships get to meet parents, and on top you’re white, likely going to cause some conflict.
(edited for privacy reasons)
I haven’t personally dated any Asians, but one of my best friends is Chinese with the traditional crazy parents. He had a thing for blondes, so this issue came up every relationship (and honestly, I think it is partially responsible for his curreent single state). He said that he would never bring a girl home unless they were already engaged because:
1. He doesn’t want to subject the poor girl to his parents’ judgmental BS.
2. He doesn’t want to deal with the family drama over dating interracially that will ensue unless he knows he’s marrying her.
3. He says “That’s just how things are done.”
I know Chinese and Korean are different, but hopefully that’s insightful?
1 year 4 months. Haven’t introduced mine to my family. My other siblings went for 2-4 years before they introduced theirs to my conservative family.
Some reasons for taking so long:
If you are introduced, automatic followup question is when’s the wedding. There often will be pressure to move up the timeline even if both sides aren’t ready, even though they’re serious.
SO wants to date you for a long time first before introducing. It shows the parents how long you’ve been dating and you’re really committed to this guy/girl so its more likely that the parents will have to approve.
The parents and SO dynamic is not what you must be used to. It’s a delicate dynamic that a lot of people find difficult, especially that of the mother in law and daughter in law. To be honest, Ive seen people think it’s more polite for the guy’s side parents to not meet the girlfriend until later on. Meeting too early just increases the burden and stress for the girlfriend.
Again, it’s not the friendly casual meet the parents kind of dynamic…it’s difficult, awkward and to be honest I see no good in meeting them sooner lol. It’s not offensive in korea to not meet your SO’s parents until you’re asking for permission to get married.
I’m white, My Fiance family is from Romania, he was raised in the states, we have been together for 1.5 years, I’m 8 months pregnant and been engaged for 10 months. I have yet to meet his family due to religious views..I’m not even worried about it, their loss!!
I’m Asian of Chinese descent, and how long it took for me to introduce them to my parents depended on the guy and how he lived up to the standards I thought my parents had. Some exes never met them. Only the very serious relationships did. Serious as in we were living together. In my family, communication between generations was, and still is difficult. It’s also somewhat formal.
Maybe he’s waiting until he knows it’s going to be a permanent, sure thing before he introduces you? That was the the thought I had in my mind with my exes and current SO.
I’m Chinese and my parents didn’t meet my now (white) husband until…. wait for it… about 14 months after we started (unofficially) dating. Or 8 months after being official. I met his out of state family 4 months before he met mine and mine were just 20 minutes away. I just would never bring anyone one by unless it were very serious… they don’t get introduced to everyone i just casually dated.
OP I wouldn’t really bat an eye at not being introduced to his family but if you’re not happy about it I hope he can understand where you’re coming from and you two can come to a compromise. Off topic but I find it funny how you share everything with your family and he’s not like that. We’re the opposite where my family and I tell each other everything – we have a very active chat group and see each other at least once a week. He phones his family maybe once a month? Sometimes I have to remind him lol and sees them 3 times a year maybe? Their relationship is great though just a bit different from what I’m used to. It’s a pretty interesting dynamic and I can’t wait to see what happens in the future when we have kids!
My fiance is SE Asian and he later told me that when he came to visit my parents very early in our relationship he basically thought that I thought our relationship was very serious and was on the path to marriage. He was more reluctant to have me visit his family right away. I met them after a few months after pushing for it (I was thinking similar thought to you) and now we have a great relationship. He explained to me that meeting the parents was a step in a relationship that meant marriage was on its way. YMMV but my guy had never brought a girl home before (although he had had gfs in the past). Maybe talking to him about what it means to him for the parents to meet the Girlfriend might be a good conversation to have with him. One thing we did was bought a book called Intercultural Marriages: Promises and Pitfalls. We were able to start great convos about different topics from food to having children to courtship.
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