Post # 1
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
I’m mid-30s and got (happily) divorced under a year from my first wedding bc my ex was leading a secret double life. About a year after that ended, I reconnected with an old, amazing ex (also mid-30s) and we’re crazy happy together and things are getting serious. He’s told me that he wants to marry me, do it sooner rather than later (I’d guess w/i 1-3yrs, but we haven’t discussed specifics), spend his life with me, have kids w me, and has started wedding/honeymoon talk. He does well (just bought a house), but I have no clue if he’d spend as much on an ering as my exH did (exH was perhaps overcompensating & more about superficial than the actual commitment).
I have my ering and bands from my 1st marriage. The stone is gorgeous and very unique and I’d planned on re-setting it as cocktail ring up until I got back together w my current guy. Now, I wouldn’t want to wear the stone in any way unless my guy put it in a new setting and gave it to me that way. I’d also be fine selling it and me keeping the money or selling it so he can use the money from it toward a new ering. Money is tight for me – I get by okay and will be making good money in a couple of years, but (if I’m going to sell it and keep the money myself eventualy anyway), having the money from it sooner rather than later would be better. If he’d want to use the stone in a new setting or to sell the stone to use the money from it for a new ring, I’d prefer whatever he prefers.
I also had designed rings that I used as my wedding bands for my 1st marriage. They don’t look like wedding bands at all (nobody’s ever thought that they were wedding bands) and, since I designed them and paid for them and have nothing to do w/my exH and they don’t seem connected to him at all, I still wear some of the old wedding bands sometimes on my right hand just as pretty rings.
I don’t know if/when I should bring up the old stone or the bands to my BF. We have a great relationship and have been able to talk easily about anything including past relationships. I don’t have any emotional attachment to any of the rings. My BF has had no jealousy, concerns, or other problems w/my 1st marriage. No clue if he’d have feelings about the old stone or bands. I appreciate your thoughts.
Post # 2
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
mercgen :
Sorry, I think it is weird to recycle stones from an ex-husband…
I would also be looking sideways at any guy that was ok with giving his soon to be new wife a reset ring from her ex husband.
Post # 3
Member
816 posts
Busy bee
Sell the rings/diamonds etc and use the money now while you need it. Let your new guy buy you a new set! He knows it’s coming, and it’s often a matter of pride. There’s NO WAY my husband would be ok with me wearing an ex’s ring!
Post # 4
Member
816 posts
Busy bee
P.s. I didn’t vote because I don’t agree with any of it. Sell the rings and start fresh is my vote!
Post # 5
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
ct2015 : no need to apologize and I appreciate your opinion. I highly doubt that my BF will want to use the stone or the money from it – wait, you know what? No way I’d offer for him to use the money from it for a new ering. Im fine w having the money myself, but he shouldn’t use the money from it. It’s mine. I’m fine w whatever he’d afford/buy on his own. And, thinking about it more, maybe I’m just excited about marrying my guy and not thinking clearly about the old stone. I don’t want my exH to have any connection to my new relationship or marriage (including picking out the stone in my ering).
Post # 6
Member
3438 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course
Nope, all the nopes to all these options! My ex and I had an amicable divorce and I still would not have considered using the stone he purchased even if I loved it. I can only imagine my Fiance reaction if I tried to explain something like this. You’re free to do what you wish of course but personally this would be weird for me and unacceptable to my Fiance. Pawn or sell.
Post # 7
Member
3107 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman
I have stones from my first marriage, I asked DH what I should do with them and he suggested I reset them into earrings. He’s totally cool with it, but part of that is likely becaust the diamonds aren’t worth much for resale, I tried. If I could get a good chunk of change for them I think that would have been his preference, but if I had wanted to keep them (I don’t care either way) he wouldn’t have been upset.
Post # 8
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
I keep trying to edit my post but it won’t let me. I made a complete 180 – thanks, bees!
you all are completely right. My BF would never want to use the stone or money from selling it for a new ering and I wouldn’t want him to. I’m going to see about selling the old ering and bands asap. Reading your opinions made me realize that I was just thinking about my BF using my old stone as a way to speed up proposal/engagement bc I’m so into him and excited to get our life going. But, really, both he and I would only feel okay about it if he does that whole part on his own and w/o even the slightest of ties to my ridiculous ex. I stopped wearing the stone a good while ago and I wouldn’t want to wear it again (even in a new setting). You all helped me see the light!
Post # 9
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
ct2015 WillowBee33 heavenlyflower: I agree completely. No clue what I was thinking. Maybe I was temporarily insane from excitement about new life and a great relationship and trying to figure out ways to make it happn faster by bringing it up w/him when I need to be patient for a minute and let him do his thing.
peegee: thanks for sharing your experience. I just can’t bring myself to wear that stone. I was thinking that maybe if it was reset completely differently and given to me by my BF, I’d get over it and want to wear it, but I’m realizing now that I wouldn’t like that. I should be able to get a pretty good chunk of change for it (even if it sold for less than half)- it’s not small, and faces up even larger, and it’s GIA certified as D and IF. I looked into selling it some before, so now I’ll just follow up.
Post # 10
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
mercgen :
Glad you came to your senses!! LOL
You know you would be kicking yourself down the road if you went ahead with that plan!!
Post # 11
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
ct2015 : if I brought this up to him, he’d have told me I was crazy (and he would’ve been right, too). No way he’d do that. Even if he would, I’d want to take it off and hide it in a drawer (right where it is now). So glad you all are here to knock sense into me when needed. Would’ve been so embarrassing to show so much crazy. My gfs irl were acting like it was an okay idea (probably just telling me to wait til he brought it up bc they hoped I’d regain sanity by then).
Post # 12
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
Update: he’s started talking to me about rings, so I mentioned that I still have my old ring and am figuring out selling it. I told him the options just to be open about the info- he says that he of course wants me to do what I’d like, but that he’d be happiest if I got money for it to use on myself. I was pretty sure that he wouldn’t want me wearing the stone (I don’t want to either) and that he wouldn’t want to use money from it for a new ering, but it was also nice to hear it and hear the reasons why and how he’d still want me to do whatever I preferred since it’s my choice.
Post # 13
Member
1349 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: July 2017 - The Lodge at Little Seneca Creek
Glad you seem to have figured it out! I was going to post to say that I was in a very similar situation, except my ex kept the e-ring (no wedding band because we, thankfully, never got married). I’m hoping he sold it instead of using it for another woman, but I have no idea. Anyway, if I had kept the ring, I definitely would have sold it because I wouldn’t want something so significant from a previous relationship to carry into my new relationship.
Both men wanted me to pick out my e-ring, and I have a very specific, simple style I like, so they look similar. Oh well. I’m really happy with my current e-ring and, more importantly, in my current relationship. 🙂
Post # 14
Member
1505 posts
Bumble bee
I saw your update above and completely agree! I will say that my boss recently got engaged, and they chose to use her previous engagement ring. She loved it and had all the matching jewelry to it, and it is a big hunk of rock. Lol. But they completely revamped it and added a halo and side bands to it. Besides the center asscher stone, it is unrecognizable from the first. Just another option for future bees that I have seen!
Post # 15
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
ecampbell : thanks. I had a unique shape I liked and an amazing stone for that shape, so I don’t know if I could go for a similar style. Others might think that I used the same stone – not sure how I feel about some ppl potentially thinking that. I wondered how my guy might feel if he were getting me a similar ring to one so unique. I also think that I might not like to see that shape/cut on my finger anymore – my ex seriously tarnished that engagement and marriage, so I think he might’ve ruined that shape/cut for me. I don’t even want a split shank anymore or the same color of metal (I associate those too much w that past).
Luckily, there was one other shape that I also liked (and still like), but I didn’t even mention it to my ex bc I only seem to like the other shape when it’s muuuuch bigger (my old ering was just over 1.5ct, but I tend to like the other shape, in pics at least, closer to 3cts). Do you think that bc your taste is so simple/classic or bc you weren’t actually married (or maybe BC you wore the ring less) that wearing it doesn’t remind you of your ex of that relationship much?
I’m thinking that I should probably go try some rings on to see how it would actually feel wearing different ones and seeing them on my finger. Even though I spent more of the past 4yrs wearing an ering than not, wearing one now seems just as foreign as when I first thought about rings before my ex proposed
haileyblue : Yeah, I thought about that, but I think I prefer not to bc the shape is so unique and I’m not a fan of halos or side stones on me. Also- my ring shape looks super dated IMO in other metal colors, so changing that up isn’t really an option either. My new guy also said to blame it on his pride, but he wants his family and him to lay jewelry on me that’d make this old ering pale in comparison. 😉 I’m fine w that.