I'll cover the cost BUT….

posted 7 months ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
2086 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Yeah, my IL’s also offered to cover the food and drinks for the extra people they wanted invited, and I flat out said no because (like PP stated) it is not just food and drink: its the extra paper, centerpieces (which my mom and I made, they did not help at all with the wedding), wait staff, bar staff, etc. Plus my mom and I did all the invites and the projects ourselves, so I was like no way am I doing an extra 50 of everything for people I don’t know. My fiance didn’t want to rock the boat, but I told him this is why I am saying no, figure out how to tell your family. And I believe he just laid it out how I did. That it wasn’t just the food and drink and that it was unfair to not help with anything and then ask us to add more people to the list. Plus we did a “has future wife/husband met or had the opportunity to meet this person?” before we invited. If the answer was no they were just off the list unless it was immediate family. 

Since you already kind of agreed to these extra people, I would have your fiance ask for clarification of the comment. If she expects to be paid back out of these guests, then it would be a hard pass for me. If she was just making an off handed comment and is willing to give you the money then I would add in the extra paper, centerpieces, wait staff, etc. into the per-person cost. But also realize, that by taking her money you give her a say in your wedding whether you like it or not. Her money will come with her opinion on food, centerpieces, invitations, etc., etc. Her paying for anything, even extra guests will make her entitled to provide her opinion on everything. You really need to make sure it is worth that before you accept either way.  

Post # 17
Member
2836 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

gunnabamissus :  Aside from these *extra* guests,  how much of your wedding is Mother-In-Law actually paying for op?  

Post # 18
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee

So if one of her extra guests gives you a blender as a wedding gift, what are you supposed to do, make her a smoothie every day until the cost of their plate is paid off?

Post # 19
Member
1455 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

This is an insane mentality.  Thanks but no thanks 

Post # 20
Member
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2025 - City, State

“Hi Mom.  I want to let you know that GunnaB and I have been discussing the wedding guest list and determined we’re uncomfortable accepting your offer to loan us money to cover your friends’ meals, with repayment contingent on their gifts to us.  All the back and forth of finances and comparison of checks to bills is feeling pretty gauche and just not sitting right with us.  We’ve decided to stick to the original guest list of 120.”

 

Agree to a script with him and make him text it from his own phone.

Post # 21
Member
947 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Don’t invite her guests. Don’t take her money. Don’t get involved in her crazy accounting scheme.

She gets no say. She’s a guest. She shows up (or not).

Have the wedding you want and can afford; run your own lives.

Post # 22
Member
242 posts
Helper bee

Don’t take her money and remove the extra guests! This sounds like added drama to an already stressful time as you get closer to the wedding.

Post # 23
Member
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

 

I don’t know how but duplicate post! 

Post # 23
Member
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

This is insanity on a large scale. Is she expecting you to sell the gifts you get then? How is getting a gift of the same value going to help you find the money to pay for all HER extra guests? 

The woman is dollally. Do not accept the money. Do not invite her guests. And stop telling her anything about the wedding is my advice! This is madness you do not need in your life! 

Post # 26
Member
550 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!

gunnabamissus :  Could you prepare the text for your fiance on his phone and send it himself? Would be be cool with that, if he has trouble phrasing things?

Post # 27
Member
1255 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Yeah she’s bat shit crazy. You need to be direct and tell her (with no beating around the bush) that “we will be covering the cost of the wedding ourselves and will need to stick to our original guest list of 120” and if she argues stay firm with “thank you for your input but the decision has been made.”

Post # 28
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Just say no. Tell her you decided you want to keep it intimate and invite only those people you have actually met and can afford. Then change the subject.

Post # 29
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

OP be careful, you have a live one on your hands.

First she MADE you change your date from your preferred Friday to Saturday, costing you THOUSANDS just because she “prefered” it and you did it to “avoid the drama”. (That’s what you do with toddlers btw)

 

Now she invited 50% MORE guests than you originally planned, effectively changing your vision and adding potentially THOUSANDS to your budget to cover all the extra costs PP mentioned. Yet she is doing you the “favor” of loaning you some money to cover the plates only that you will payback with YOUR gifts. How nice of her!

 

NO is a complete sentence (pls read “the life changing magic of not giving a f”). I wouldn’t even go through the fiancé because let’s face it, many guys just don’t understand the implications of all that goes into a wedding. Call her with him and be polite and firm that “thanks but no thanks.” She already had guests in the 120 list, right? If you are feeling generous, give her an extra 10 and that’s it. It is ridic to demand 60 extra guests in someone’s wedding! Believe all the bees, the demands will NOT STOP. She doesn’t like these invites, flowers, menu, centerpieces, favors, your dress is not conservative enough, she should get a special “cream” dress, mother son dance, you need to do “tradition XYZ” else all hell will break loose, her hairdresser & the Random Family + 4 children Fi played with once just have to come the Rehearsal dinner (but she will cover the cost minus any gifts they give you) etc… See? This is NOT over. And if/when you have kids… You need to stand up for your family now.

Picture your wedding day. Do you want to look around and see faces you know or will get to know because you are family now? Or see a bunch of people (33% or 50% since she already had guests in the 120 list) you will never see again? And your bank account depleted!

 

I’m telling you this as someone who has every intention to get along with her Future Mother-In-Law. Right now she is treating both of you as kids and telling you what to do. You are adults, make your decision and give her boundaries. Be very polite and firm. Rinse and repeat.

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