(Closed) I'm 19…how long do I have to wait???

posted 7 years ago in 20 Something
  • poll:
    You should date someone else first : (21 votes)
    5 %
    You should wait until after college : (291 votes)
    67 %
    You should wait at least a year or two : (89 votes)
    21 %
    You could get married now : (32 votes)
    7 %
  • Post # 33
    353 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    The years between college and 25ish are the years I found out who I am. I can’t even describe in words how much I changed and matured. The vast majority of people I know feel the same way.  That doesn’t mean you need to date other people, but it does mean I’d suggest waiting – taking opportunities to live in an apartment with girlfriends, travel or study abroad, take a trip with friends, lots of things that just become infinitely more difficult to navigate if you’re married.  The same goes for him.  If you guys are meant to be, you’ll both still be there after you take some time to grow as individuals.  I feel like when couples haven’t given themselves time to do that – either by circumstances or by jealousy – whatever – one or both grow resentful, and thats like a nasty murky breeding ground for the normal challenges of marriage to become serious enough for divorces.

    Post # 34
    1585 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @abeautifulunion:  Oooh neat! I have a lot of family in the wedding business. It’s a lot of fun sometimes. Good for you for this. *browses store*

    Post # 35
    3092 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    My good friend got married in college…it was a secret πŸ™‚ But she had a pretty active college social life including being in a sorority with me :), and social clubs.  She wasn’t a partier but went out sometimes.

    They have been married umm…about 6 years now and have a child.  So, I dunno, it worked for them!

    For me, one of the things I’m most proud of is the time I spent after graduating from college and before moving up to Seattle with Fiance (about 2 years).  We were dating but LDR.  I had my own apartment, my own furnishings, a full-time job.  I was completely independent.  It was really a special time for me.  I am glad we waited (originally I was going to move down with him right after my graduation but I stayed because I really liked my job). 

    It’s definitely a journey, I think it all turns out the way it’s meant to turn out.  So do the best you can πŸ™‚

    Post # 36
    371 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Like PP said, age is arbitary. Do it when it feels right for you and when you can handle all the stress (both good and bad!) that comes with a wedding and a marriage!

    Post # 37
    1720 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    My mom and dad met in highschool, mom was 14 dad was 17, he dated before but she didn’t.  They got married right after my mom graduated highschool.  My mom always tells if she could go back in time she would still marry my dad but she would have waited until after college.  Because neither went to college money was a big stress on their relationship but they really love eachother so they made it through the hard times.  Just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary.  Do what you feel is right for you, but I wouldn’t date anyone else, it just doesn’t sit right with me for some reason. 

    Post # 38
    4655 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Why date someone else? I vote get married whenever you feel like it if you’ve already had all the hard talks about kids and money and stuff like that. If you’re financially independent, seriously go for it.

    Post # 39
    733 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    You say he knows me better than I know myself   .

    you should really get to know yourself better for getting married. Find out who you are really are or youll never know who you are without a man around

    Post # 40
    2143 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    Similar story to you, OP πŸ™‚ my SO and I started dating the end of 7th grade. We made it through high school, family problems, deaths, etc and are now nearly done university! Only difference here is that we go to the same school. We are both 21 now and won’t be engaged until he is done school this year. I graduate next year and we won’t marry until 6 months – a year after I graduate. I think it’s important to be done school and be financially stable before getting married. Only you know when that time is, so this is entirely up to you and your SO πŸ™‚ As for never dating anyone else, I could never imagine being with anyone but my SO so that is not a problem for us at all! I don’t think anyone “needs” to date other people to realize that they are with the right person. 

    Post # 41
    1344 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    FH and I have been together for nearly 5 years, i’m 20 and he’s 23. He is my only serious partner. He proposed after 4.5 years (this may). There is no sense in dating someone else if you are happy and love the one you’re with. There’s no set number that makes you ready. It’s like chocolate cake, you don’t need to try other kinds of cake to know if you like chocolate, you either do or you don’t.

    Getting a job should be a priority though (as should education, if you plan to work in a field where you’ll need a degree of some sort). Money can be a huge problem in marriages, and a good job or degree will help you avoid that (plus you’ll have a sense of accomplishment and your experience can help you with future jobs). It would be very beneficial to be in a good financial situation before marriage. I see you’re well on your way to financial independence, but it would probably be better to wait until you can both support yourselves completely.

    Personally, I think it’s a good idea to live together for a while as well if you don’t already, because in some relationships it can change the entire dynamic. I would hate for that to happen after marriage, but that’s just me. I know a lot of people prefer to wait.

    Other than that, if you’ve discussed your expectations with each other and both want to get married, and are in a happy and healthy relationship, I cannot see a problem here.

    Post # 42
    2967 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    i definitely think you should wait. so much can happen in the next few years and you will do so much growing and changing in your early twenties.

    a good friend of mine met her boyfriend when she was 16/17. they got engaged when she was 21. they dealt w/ the same things you and your boyfriend dealt with: family drama, deaths of friends, long distance, etc. after being engaged for 6 years, they broke up. it wasn’t an ugly break up. there was no cheating involved, no big fights/disagreements…they simply grew apart and weren’t happy anymore. at the age of 28, my friend is just now getting to experience being a single woman and she’s been having a great time, but she also feels like she missed out on so much by being with the same guy for so long.

    i’m not saying you and your boyfriend aren’t going to last, but i think it’s a good idea to wait. you are so young and have so much to experience. there is absolutely no reason to rush it.

    Post # 43
    966 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    There are changes between when you’re 19 and then your mid 20s.

    ASIDE from discussing financial junk, kids, religion, parents…

    There are two main things to consider, AFTER all that other stuff.


    1) The social effect

    When you’re 19, you haven’t really experienced people or life as “adults”, and living in a more adult world can really change your personality/perspective/believes/wants. 

    Being around other established adults can help you develop different preferences, show you different personalities that you never experienced before (because they were all stupid teenagers, or because you just weren’t in the right situation, like a real work environment or whatever), or just see how someone completely different lives and makes do.  


    2) (main one) Biology changes things

    You might not want kids now, but REALLY want them later. Or maybe you’re very peppy/excitable now, and when you’re 25 you’ll become more mellow/laid back. BUT MOSTLY…. your brain isn’t completely finished at 19 or 20 or even 21. It doesn’t actually stop developing until your mid 20s, generally around 25ish. This is obviously important because your brain is your personality (not just chemically and physically, but also how it deals/reacts with social environments, as stated above. You’ll get used to people overall in an “adult” world, and you develop expectations, preferences, annoyances, different opinions and values, etc).

    This is one reason it’s so dangerous to get married at 20ish, even if you’re 100% mature in your decisions, and have talked about all the important things, if you get along perfectly… everything. You’ll be changing for a few more years, and you might end up different enough (or between the two of you, you’ll both be much different from each other) that it doesn’t make for a good marriage anymore. 


    But nobody ever mentions these things. They tell you that you need to be financially stable (which is an important suggestion), you need to discuss family and future, and you might need outside approval for a different confirming perspective (parents or whatever) and they might say “you’ll change a lot” but if you’re already mature and have discussed all those things, you question what could change? Someone saying “you’ll change” vaguely really isn’t very convincing, but based on the science, you actually will. But really, none of that stuff ultimately matters when you’re 19, because in 5 years there’s a really good chance it won’t all be the same, through little control of your own. 


    I’d probably wait until you’re about 23 at the earliest. 24 or 25 would be better. Plus hopefully one/both of you will be done with college, be able to get a house, and be financially stable. Always a plus. πŸ˜›



    Post # 44
    996 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I HATE the “you will never know if he/she is the right one unless you date other people”. Thats like saying, you won’t know what state you REALLY love living in unless you buy a house in every other state first. Come on.

    I married my husband when I was 19 and while it’s an unpopular choice, I’ve never felt that love should have any “pre-reqs”. Graduating college is wonderful and I definitely will be doing that but I would never suggest to anyone to NOT get married just because they are still in school. If you have a stable place to live and can afford to pay bills, etc then get married because you love and know this is the right person. 

    Post # 45
    2552 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2018

    First off, I think it’s unnecessary for you to date other people. πŸ™‚ If you’re already happy, no need to go looking for other fish.

    Secondly, unlike some other bees, I don’t think it’s necessary to live together before you get married. My Fiance and I have chosen not to live together, and most of our circle of married friends didn’t live together before they were married, and are perfectly happy regardless.

    I think that when you get married doesn’t have as much to do with your actual age as it has to do with your maturity and being able to support yourselves financially. You don’t necessarily need to be rolling in the dough or even extremely established in your career, but you don’t want to still be relying on Mom and Pop’s handouts to pay the bills/make ends meet.

    I had to wait four years for my Fiance to propose, and I was 20. By the time the wedding rolls around, we will have been together nearly five years. Certainly, like you, had we been older when we started dating we wouldn’t have waited so long, but we needed to get to a place financially where our parents wouldn’t still be paying our rent. <3

    Post # 46
    1941 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Do what your heart tells you to do, not what you think society wants you to do! If I were in your shoes, I absolutely would NOT date other people, I’d probably talk about getting engaged after being in the same city together, but wait to plan the wedding until a year or so after college. You’re both working and going to school, and you own your own business? I can’t imaging adding planning a wedding to that!! I planned my wedding wihle working full time, and that kept me busy enough without adding in school and having my own business.

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