(Closed) I’m a bad bridesmaid: “I object!”

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

If you can’t support the marriage, regretfully decline from the bridesmaid position.  If she asks why, you can choose to tell the truth and how you feel about Jack, or you can tell her that you just don’t have the time to dedicate to the position.  

Post # 4
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

totally off topic question: what does “second in line to the Maid/Matron of Honor position” mean?  are you guys ranked?

Post # 5
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Your friend didn’t ask for your approval of her Fiance. She asked you to stand next to her and support her. I am willing to bet she is not in the dark about Jack’s “hobbies” and the other women. She knows the type of man she’s marrying and even if you do tell her she will still choose him and your friendship will suffer. Sometimes being a good friend means supporting them in decisions that you don’t agree with, but it’s their life.

Post # 6
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ

I hate to tell you this, but she’s going to have to figure it out on her own. You can tell her in a loving way “I have suspisions about Jack, and I really feel like you should know this before you marry him. I don’t want it to hurt our friendship, and I won’t bring it up again, but these rumors are something you need to go into this marriage knowing about…” Ultimately, though, it’s her decision.

Once you tell her that, you can choose to be supportive (or at least don’t say anything if it isn’t nice…) or tell her you don’t think you can support her choosing to be with someone who isn’t good for her. You are right that she will most likely choose him over you.

Having gone through ups and downs with my own BFF (who I have known for over 15 years, since we were 12), I can tell you this. If you want her in your life as your friend, you will listen when she needs it and try to be as supportive as you can be, even if you don’t agree with her. You can tell her nicely when you don’t agree with her decisions, but let her know in the most supportive way possible, while also telling her you’ll be there for her.

On an honest note, the guy sounds like a d#$che. Wait a few years.

Post # 11
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I know that it may not be a popular answer, and it may not bode well for your future relationship with her, but I’d tell her that you cannot stand up and support her marriage to him. I do understand the idea of supporting her as a person by being a bridesmaid, but I see the bridal party as those who are standing up for the marriage and who are willing to foster it and help the couple grow through tough times, etc. I think you just need to decide if you can let her know that you are here for her, and you will be with her for whatever, but that you don’t know that he’s been so honest in their relationship and that supporting her marrying him isn’t something you feel you can honestly do.

How you go about it is up to you, all the PPs have offered great answers across the board (from honesty and backing out to being there for your girl and still standing up in the bridal party), but if it were me I’d just let her know that I couldn’t fully support it because I think she’ll be hurt deeply by this relationship. 

Post # 13
Member
1851 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

My totally blunt advice that you DO NOT have to take:

I think you need to tell her…OR maybe I should rephrase…I would tell her if it were me. I couldn’t stand by and let my friend go into a marriage that was bad for her without trying to do something. If I did, I couldn’t say I was really a friend (this is only for my personal belief…I personally wouldn’t feel like a good friend if I didn’t say something). Yes, you might lose the friendship though. People don’t like to hear things like this and will sometimes shoot the messenger. She should be made aware of what is going on though. Is there any way for you to get more “evidence” of what he’s been doing? I feel for you though, I really do. I’ve been in this predicament a couple of times (not to this extreme, but same general idea). I am aware that my advice is pretty harsh, but she’s wanting to have his children…immediately. That means that when they ultimately get a divorce…she still has to deal with that toolbag for the rest of her life. That’s big.

I think that bellagio might have the most appropriate advice though if you are wanting to delicately bring up your concerns without too much tear on your relationship with her.

On a side note, I think standing in a wedding is saying that you support the couple and their relationship. If you don’t, you should step down.

Post # 14
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@littlewhitedots: I’m in a very similar situation. My friend is not yet engaged but expecting it any day now, and constantly talks about her wedding and what kind of bridemaid dress I’ll be in… but this guy is also a total slimeball and I absolutely can’t stand him. I really don’t think I could stand up there and keep my mouth shut while she marries this guy. But how do you turn down the honor of being bridemaid to a good friend, without ruining the friendship? It is such a hard situation. But I definately think if any of my friends felt so strongly against MY Fi, I would want to know.

Good luck with whatever you decide, I might be needing some advice from you soon!!

Post # 15
Member
14495 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I would step out of the wedding. She will ask you why and I believe you will have to tell her the truth about how you feel. If not you are lying to her by omittence. I hate to say, it will probably be the end of your friendship, until she figures him out for herself.

I have turned down being a Bridesmaid or Best Man and even just invitations to weddings because I don’t support the marriage. I couldn’t break my own personal moral code, to me (for myself only) it would be a lie to pretend to support a marriage I don’t support. I have lost friends over it, but I have yet to be wrong. Thank goodness it has only been a few that I didn’t support.

Post # 16
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

If I was your friend Jane, I would want you as a friend to tell me if Jack has been doing some of the things you mentioned above because in my opinion some of them are quite serious.  I wouldn’t assume that she probably knows, but I’d ask her directly and openly if she’s aware of it and whether it’s a problem to her.  If it’s not a problem to her, I’d be there for her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man.  I wouldn’t allow a good friend to marry someone that behaves like that before I was certain they knew all the details.  If your friend asks you how you feel about her Fiance, gently tell her that you have had some concerns but that you’re happy if she’s happy.

 

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