(Closed) I’m a bad bridesmaid: “I object!”

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
47 posts
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think you should have a talk with her sister, the Maid/Matron of Honor, who probably knows her best, and then decide where to go from there.

Post # 18
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@littlewhitedots: I actually had a similar situation.  My best friend was getting married to a totally schmuck.  I kept my mouth shut until she asked me what I thought of him… I didn’t lie.  I told her she could do better and I didn’t think they were right together.  She got a little angry but we have always been straight forward with each other and I wasn’t about to start lying to her now.  Anyway, I was a bridesmaid in her wedding because I was ultimately there to support her.  and I was also there to support her less than 2 years later when he cheated on her and she filed for divorce.  She had to figure it out on her own….which she did eventually. 

BTW- Who says ‘trouser snake” honestly!?

Post # 19
1626 posts
Bumble bee

@Jushackett: Apparently Jack does 🙁 Anyhow, I don’t know if I will tell a friend. The only one I would tell, apart from my sisters (and yes, I have done it to both of my sisters when I thought the guys they were with were shady) would be my best friend. My sisters because I know that no matter what, we’d still be sisters. Not liking thier ‘intended’ would not change that. My best friend, because of her personality and she’s like a sister to me. She’d hear me out and make her decision and I know our friendship wouldn’t sufffer. My other close friends, um, nah. I’ve been in that situation and I kept my mouth shut!

Post # 21
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

If I were you, and I have been, I would tell her.  I just had a similar conversation with my best friend about a guy she’s been off and on with–this time, after a few days she was talking like this time was really it, and he was definitely the one, and she’d never felt this way.  The problem is that the guy is a tool.  I can’t stand him.  I thought this was a horrible horrible idea, and I just couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t say something.  What kind of friend would I be?  So I made sure she knew I support her no matter what, but that I have these concerns, and here they are, and I let her make of them what she would.  She broke up with him three days later.  That’s not to say she wasn’t pissed at me, because she was, but she knew that I wouldn’t lie to her and I wouldn’t say these things if I didn’t really believe them.

There are friends I would do this with, and some I wouldn’t.  She is one of those friends because we are extremely close, tell each other everything, and we don’t lie.  Ever.  I know she trusts me completely.  If it was someone with whom my relationship was less than that, I probably wouldn’t say something.  You have to judge for yourself where your friendship with her is, and if it can withstand your saying something here.  But it would be very difficult for me to stand up in a wedding I didn’t support, knowing I could have said something.

Post # 22
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I would probably politefully step down from being a bridesmaid, if she asks why, voice your concerns in a non-judgmental way.  tell her you’re  conserned about her.

Post # 23
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

What happens if in 5 years they break up because of his slimy-ness? And you stood up with her. When she is crying about her divorce, do you think she will appreciate the fact that you kept these feelings about Jack to yourself? In other words, I know it’s a tough position to be in, but I would tell her. At least then she can make an informed decision, you know? If I were her, I would be angry, in denial but when I finally came to my senses, I would be very very thankful that I didn’t marry him.

Post # 24
6980 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I like the idea of telling her but not stepping down. I think that is what I would probably do. I think phrasing is important. I think leading with “I don’t want to hurt our friendship but I am worried and I feel like I need to tell you what I’ve heard and after this I’ll not mention it again” and ending with “I’ll always support you in any decision you make” is important. 

I don’t necessarily think that bridesmaids are supporting the marriage so much as they’re supporting their friend. I think if you’re careful and if you really do let it go after telling her you can maintain your friendship, warn her, and sooth your conscience. 

Post # 25
1515 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Unfortunately, people end up “shooting” the messenger for the awareness of such problems.  It’s a tricky situation overall.  I can sit here and say that I would want someone to tell me if J was doing such things behind my back.  What I can’t say is that I have no idea how I would feel towards the messenger.  All in all, the outcome is going to be filled with anger, resentment, hurt, and betrayal by everyone.  Later on in life, the messenger may become appreciated for the simple fact that they helped them see the truth.

I agree with the PPs who said you should tell her you cannot be a bridesmaid after all.  When she does ask, you can explain yourself, but don’t go into full details unless she asks.  She may not be happy with what she hears about now, but she will re-cover from the truth and may find a ton of happiness elsewhere later in life.

Good luck.

Post # 26
3625 posts
Sugar bee

I’d never tell her. She more than likely won’t believe you, and if she knows about some of it anyway, has chosen to overlook it and marry this guy. It really is no one’s business who she chooses as her partner and what things about him other people don’t like. She has made her choice and she’ll live with the consequences. Nothing you do or say will change her mind as I’m sure she isn’t blind to what he’s really like. What you’ve heard are rumors, and while if I heard about them might cause ME to investigate him more, she may choose not to even wonder and go on with her plans. At that point I don’t think you’ll have the chance to back out of her wedding, since she”ll make it easy for you and ask you to step down.

Since when does every member of any bridal party have to support the marriage? That’s pretty idealistic. I’ve been in several weddings where I thought the groom was a jerk or the bride was the wrong choice for him, but it wasn’t MY life that was affected, so who was I to say anything?

Post # 28
3683 posts
Sugar bee

You need to tell her. She is MARRYING this guy. He cheated on her. She needs to know.

Post # 29
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

In the end what you decide, is up to you, but I think you should stand with her on her wedding day.

I don’t think it will end up good if you do tell her. If things don’t work out between the two of them, you will be there to support her again. That is what friends are for.

Post # 30
768 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’ve been in a similar situation, but there wasn’t a wedding involved yet.  And I was the girl dating the schmuckface.  He cheated, used me, and was pretty emotionally abusive.  Truth is, deep down, I knew it,  but I loved the idea of being needed. 

My guess is, deep down, she knows it, too.  When my friends voiced their opinions, I found excuses for him constantly.  I also found that I got kind of angry and twisted it in my head to the fact that they were jealous or something stupid like that.  I know that it might seem hard to support your friend, but IMO, she probably knows it and needs to come to terms with it herself.  Hopefully she does this before she marries him.

My vote is to support her.  Maybe even tell her you’re not a fan of him, but you love her dearly and will support her no matter what.  She needs to know that you care for her unconditionally. 

Post # 31
1211 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

If you tell her, she is going to get pissed at you and still marry him. i’ve seen it happen a million times.

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