(Closed) I’m a bad bridesmaid: “I object!”

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
821 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’m not going to be lengthy since so many PP’s have said it better. You need to tell her and personally, I couldn’t be a bridesmaid in a wedding which I did not support. It would feel so false. She may be mad at you in the short term, but you would be a worse friend if you said nothing.

Is there any way you can tell her anonymously? Type out a letter and leave it for her? I know that sounds weird, but that way it wouldn’t make you the bad guy. I dunno, perhaps bad advice, but worth the thought.

Post # 33
34 posts
  • Wedding: February 2011

Tell her the truth so she doesn’t go into it blind… God that’d be terrible.

Post # 34
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Like @tntrav44:, I’ve been this girl too.  No marriage was involved, just a nasty, nasty relationship.  Although things started out great, the dude turned into a manipulative, emotionally abusive, controlling jerkface.  And nobody said a WORD to me. I was with the guy for almost three years, and when it finally ended (painfully; he had been seeing my “bff” behind my back, how delightful), my friends and family came out of the woodwork telling me how much of a slimeball he was, how they always hated him, etc etc.  Now I know that because I had been so thoroughly brainwashed and beaten down by said slimeball, I may have disregarded my friends warnings if they had said anything when we were together, but as it stands, I still wish they would have–maybe then I would have had the strength to leave.

If I were you, I would tell her.  As the PP’s have said, do it with the utmost compassion, let her know that no matter what, you are in her corner.  I have done this with two of my best friends in the past, and although it was really rough and there were hurt feelings, we were able to move past it; they both said later that they appreciated my honesty and recognized that what I was saying was coming from a place of love.  And once I said my piece, I shut the hell up about it and let them make their own decisions.

However, you know your friend better than any of us do.  Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Post # 35
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

What makes you think Jane doesn’t know and isn’t okay with their situation? Many people live in ignorant bliss because they want to rather than to be alone. If she is your friend, you support her. You don’t have to like Jack. And if, and when it fails, you are there for her.

I know it’s hard to watch someone you love make a mistake, but there is nothing you can say or do that will make Jane see what you see. You only risk loosing her if you bring up your dislike for Jack.

Post # 36
829 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

:::sigh:::: The sad truth is that love is blind. I hate to tell you this, but she has already picked this guy, and anything you say against him, is not going to endear you to her. In fact, she will most likely turn on you, before she will turn on him. Women are crazy that way. I can say this from experience, because I trashed a friendship with my very best girlfriend in the world, when she tried to warn me about my fiance years ago. Turns out she was 100% right, and it took me a divorce and 20 years to admit it. The best thing you can do, is just be there to support her, through the wedding and beyond. You never know, maybe once this guy grows up a little he may turn out to be ok-or at least tolerable. 

Post # 37
44 posts

I voiced my concerns as best I could about a friends boyfriend…and stood up for her at the wedding, wishing I wasn’t…then was there for her through the divorce. He  wasn’t bad like this guy…this one is worse in most ways (my friends was verbally abusive and degraded her)…I don’t know what you can do though. It’s a really tough call. I know I would want to know but if she’s set on kids right now you probaby won’t get through to her anyway…it’s kind of a hope he isn’t able to get her pg and she figures it out and gets out eventually. Some people have the life plan they have to follow and can’t be alone.

Post # 38
2159 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Sadly, this is most likely a lose-lose situation.

If you tell her…

Ideal reaction: “Oh wow, I had no idea he was such a jerk. I’m kicking his sorry butt out of here pronto!”

More realistic reaction: “You’re just jealous/a bad friend/lying and I can’t be around someone who doesn’t support my marriage, so goodbye.”

If you don’t tell her…

Unlikely but possible outcome #1: She lives with the jerk forever while he cheats on her and sneaks around, and she never finds out and remains blissfully unaware until her dying day.

More likely possible outcome #2: She finds out either directly or through a 3rd party that her d-bag husband is, well, a d-bag. Then she finds out you all knew and didn’t say anything. She then reams you all out for not giving her fair warning.

You sound like you’re leaning toward telling her, and that’s the route I would go (and have gone before) too. Just be prepared for her to not understand that you have her best interests in mind, and make you out to be the bad guy. It’s a kick in the face when your own friend tells you that you’re out to get her when in fact it’s just the opposite, but sometimes that’s just how it goes.

Post # 39
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I really hope that it all works out for you. This would be such a difficult situation. I dont know what I would do honestly. I think I would want to tell my friend, but actually telling her would be a whole other story. I honestly think that unless one of my friends had proof I wouldnt believe them – like PP’s said, love is blind.

Post # 40
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Here’s how I see it. 

When you go to a wedding, usually even a secular one, you’re asked to “stand up for” that marriage in the years to come. Even if it’s not explicitly stated, it’s just a good thinking-point for the meaning of being a wedding guest.

What if Jane came to you in a year, sobbing, because she found his gross porn stash or he spent her inheritance? (The part about him calling it his – oh wow. That’s bad news). Would you tell her that marriage is hard but that their love is really strong and you want to help her find the strength to make this marriage wonderful again? I suspect your answer is: not in a million years. I bet you’d drive her to the divorce attorney’s office that minute. 

As tough as it sounds, I think you should decline this wedding altogether, and tell her why. She’s going to get really mad and end the friendship, likely, the way that alcoholics or anorexics do when you do the right thing and tattle on them. Sometimes, the person is more important than the friendship. I know I might be in the minority, here, but I’m going to stick to my conviction about this. It’s what I really recommend. 

Acknowledge her concern about having children soon. But I think you should also tell her that having babies with a man like this going to be hell. It’s one thing if he runs through her money and it’s just the two of them – but what if there are children to feed? What if he exposes them to his infidelity? People do this. They get so sloppy, so careless, and so full of themselves that they start taking their kids over to the house of the person they’re sleeping with on the side. It is brutally hurtful for both children and spouse. And if he eventually leaves her, or she can’t take it and leaves him, he sounds like the worst person in the world to be engaged in a custody dispute with. Tell her that she will have her beautiful babies without this man, you just know it. 

 And remind her that you will always be there for her, but you just can’t stand up and symbolically support a marriage you know you’d help her escape from at the first hint of trouble.

This happened to me a bit ago. My friend was very mad, and we stopped talking. Later, she got divorced, and we’re friends again. I learned that I had made an impact on her: she’d heeded my advice somewhat, and gotten a good prenup so that her divorce was easier and left her on better ground. You may not think your words are sinking in, but they just might, on some level, even if it takes years to find out.  

Post # 41
744 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@littlewhitedots: What have you decided to do? It sounds to me, like PPs have said, that you can’t honestly say that you support their marriage. You think it will ultimately be harmful for your friend in the end. IMO, if that’s the case, how can you stand up there at her side while she goes through with it? To me, it would be like standing by and watching a friend self-destruct via drugs or alcohol and never saying a word to them. It may prevent a fight in the short term, but it is really not helping your friend in the long term, and it may make you feel awful later, too.

If it were me, I would talk to my friend and let her know that I was concerned for her because of the things her Fiance has done in the past. You don’t have to be specific; if she wants specifics, though, you could give them to her. I don’t know if I would come out and say “I don’t want to be in your wedding.” But I would definitely have to say something to her to let her know I was concerned that she wasn’t making the best decision for herself and her future happiness.

I don’t agree with 

View original reply
NorthernLights about talking to the bride’s sister, though. That might make her feel awful if/when she finds out about it…and you can be pretty sure she would, since they are sisters.

Post # 42
2631 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

A friend of mine (she was a BM) is currently dating a guy I can’t stand. They have talked about getting married in the future, but I really hope they don’t. He’s verbally abusive and just down right mean.

Not entirely the same, but I think I get how you are feeling.

Post # 43
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Having been in a similar position as you with my once-best friend (now really good friend) and having watched her hellish marriage (very first hand sometimes) for the past 12 years I can only say this: don’t say anything. There’s no point. She will never come to her senses, and especially not when she has people blathering in her ear right left and centre. When you see her, avoid talking about her horrible husband, in fact avoid meeting her when he is there. This might put a certain amount of strain on your relationship with her, but not as much as if you had an all out confrontation, which most likely would not lead to anything other than her feeling lonely and alienated from you. Hope and pray every night that she will see what a twat he is one day – but don’t count on it. Be her friend and offer her an occasional escape from the drudgery that will be her marriage, whilst secretly counting your blessings that you had the smarts to not marry a loser.

Post # 44
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

honestly…I feel like its a hard decision. You know your friend best.

1. If you think she’s the type of person that would want to know. Tell her.

2.  tell Jack that he needs to tell Jane. and if he doesn’t, you will.

3. when they ask who objects to this marriage, say that you do.

4. do the above but also arrange for a really hot guy to come barging in and tell her he loves her.

5. introduce her to some guy you think would be great for her & arrange for them to spend lots of time together so maybe hopefully she’ll fall in love with him, see what a scum bag Jack is and split.

6. uhh—do nothing.

I would tell her. and if she wants you to step down, just do it. don’t turn it into some drama fest. I honestly feel like you should bring it up in a round about way. or maybe……”get drunk” and let them slip. umm..idk. toughy, I would say something tho, thats just me.

Post # 46
42 posts
  • Wedding: April 2012

Either way its a bad situation and she gets hurt. If you tell her she gets hurt and you risk losing her as a friend. If you don’t tell her she may have a horrible marriage. Since she gets hurt either way you have to tell her. Wouldn’t you like to know if your Fiance was a scum bag?? I would.

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