(Closed) I'm a bad person and jealous

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
7251 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

It sounds like you’re making wise financial choices which don’t always feel good in the moment. I totally get that feeling. I’ve been being responsible and budget conscious for the last few years (which allowed me to buy my dream home this past year!) and just in the last few days I have been in a funk about it- I want to do some frivolous spending, dammit!

You should start stashing money away for your one day setting- also- keep an eye out for people who are selling their settings so you can potentially get a great deal and really feel good about it all.

I went to a store a few months ago and they had a beautiful gold old fashioned cash register. The owner was really excited because she said she’d been stashing $5 here and there for years and had finally saved up enough to buy it.

Post # 32
1584 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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Meganquita :  You are not a bad person for having a bit of a “why not me?” moment! We all have them. I have friends who have bought houses, but the housing market in our area is insane so people my age who have purchased a house have usually had a significant leg up, like their parents paying a deposit, having a very wealthy partner, or living with their parents well into their late 20s to save. My parents don’t give us money, Fiance and I aren’t in high paying jobs and we both had to leave home very young, so we’ll likely be renting forever.

I do have the occasional sad about not being as well off as others I know, despite making sensible financial choices, but I move on and think about all the great things in my own life. I’m sure you have plenty to be thankful for too, and will remember it when you occasionally get down about the ring issue.

Post # 33
535 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I agree with what hikingbride said. Just do you and let her do her. I guarantee you’ll feel better about your choices in the long haul than putting the expensive ring on a credit card & racking up interest & debt.

Post # 34
233 posts
Helper bee

It’s not necessarily wrong to feel jealousy, it’s simply an emotion, like all of our other emotions. The trick is to make sure it doesn’t really get to you. Recognize how you feel, allow yourself to feel it for a while, don’t act on it, and move forward. there are plenty of reasons why your situation is much better than your friend’s. I don’t mean to sound rude, but from the little you have shared, it doesn’t sound like your friend and her boyfriend will make it long term. Financial distress is one of the top reasons of divorce.

Post # 35
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

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Meganquita :  I apologize as well if I came off harsh! Trust me I experience the same feelings about my older sister sometimes, as she is much more financially stable than I am. But then I remember how blessed I am and when I stop focusing on what others have that I don’t, and am thankful for what I do have it brings me back to reality. You seem like a beautiful, selfless, caring person and those characteristics are worth more than any brand name ring! ❤

Post # 36
7881 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

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misskate18 :  I agree.

The OP did not say that her friend did not deserve the ring she had. The OP did not say she was more virtuous for not spending money they did not have. The OP expressed envy, which is sometimes a normal feeling, in regards to what her friend had. She admitted it was an unbecoming thing, but it would behoove us all to acknowledge that it is a feeling we are all capable of having. Some of us keep it in check better than others, but we ALL have feelings sometimes when we see something we would love to have but cannot. We think, “If only…” 

So I don’t condemn the OP for her feelings, and I am not immune to those feelings, either. But the OP DID say that her friend has complained about debt. Of course, we do not know how severe that debt is, but the point is that even if the OP and we know nothing whatsover about it, her friend has challenges, too. It might be debt; it might not. It might be right now, or it might be several years in the future. My point is that in the big scheme of things, I’ve always been more than willing to take the troubles I have vs the troubles of someone else. No, I do not have all the material posessions I wish to have, but the other things I have in my life far outweigh those things. There is a good friend of mine I was envious of for a long time; her life seemed perfect. I never expressed that feeling to her or even to my DH, but I felt it. And yet within ten years her marriage had deteriorated, amongst other things. I was glad then that I had never expressed my feelings to anyone else, as I was able to help comfort her through all she went through (and NO, I did not feel anything good about what she went through; I wouldn’t wish it on anyone). My point is that EVERYONE has struggles. Don’t wish you had their struggles instead of your own, because although you might not see it now, you just might be the lucky one.

Post # 37
703 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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Meganquita :  Everyone has their struggles. My DH has friends like this, they never saved a dime in their life and just keep getting handed things. Both of their jobs came from family, their house was given to them because they could not afford a down payment, and they just bought a Lexus with no down payment. Oh and got a purebred dog. They always complain about being poor, it gets really old.

Im financially supporting my mom, helping keep the house up, do most of the house work and errand running at our condo and work. It’s all exhausting. I’m too tired to be jealous lol. Remember you do what’s best for you and your future.

Post # 38
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

The OP can feel whatever she wants. I take offense to her describing her friends situation tho like that somehow matters (?). Don’t expect to not be judged for being envious yet judge your friend right back. That’s reflective of you and not her. 

Post # 39
164 posts
Blushing bee

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Meganquita :  girl you’ll be able to afford an upgrade in 5 years and she won’t! Being financially responsible will pay off! I bet you will feel 100x better when you move into YOUR house soon

Post # 40
484 posts
Helper bee

OP, I know how you feel and I am the same in that I’m embarrassed feeling that way. You feel how you feel, but you are at least venting it in the right place. 

Basically the same thing has happened to me. I finished uni and started working and bought a unit. Meanwhile all my friends wasted time, dropped in and out of uni and didn’t save. Some didn’t work for years. At the time I was proud of what I had achieved, but of course today, ten years later, all my friends earn more than me, have bought amazing apartments way better than mine, have way better jobs and have all around better lives. So much for my hard work. 

I’m even a little jealous of my Fiance who never bothered working a real job until he was 35 and strung his then gf along, saying he was to young for marriage, then left her. So now he is 42 and has a job and a young wife and family in the future. He has a free place to live, mine. What I’ve had to struggle for every day of my life has just fallen in to his lap despite him actively avoiding it. 

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