Post # 1
About a month ago, a very close friend of mine asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I know she was struggling with the guest list and trimmed it from about 250 to 150 guests. Last week I received the save the date and my heart dropped when I realized my boyfriend–who I live with, discuss life plans with and will in the not too distant future be engaged to–is not invited. She and I went to lunch the other day and she said that she’s had to omit people’s “significant others” from the list, but it wasn’t the time to discuss the situation, as her workload is currently stressing her beyond stress. She and her fiance don’t know him very well but this is because she is constantly working (truth be told, I don’t really know her fiance for the same reason). I’ve asked other friends and their spouses were included on the SOD so it’s not an oversight for the sake of time. I know it’s poor etiquette not to invite people’s partners, but for someone who anticipates spending 200 dollars on a dress, plus the expenses of showers / parties and a lot of time and work, I think it’s abhorrent. Plus, I know my boyfriend will be crushed, as he likes them a lot and has always wanted to get to know them better. I’m considering bowing out of my matronly duties, at least, and possibly not attending at all. I’m sure I could push it and get him an invite but I’m so insulted, I almost don’t want to bother. Any advice?
Post # 3
although you feel insulted i can only sugget that on the day you will be pretty busy having to do alot of things and be in alot of places so hopefully you wont dwell too much on it
although the fact that he knows them is a bit upsetting – if he was ‘just a guy’ i could understand the lack of invite but this doesnt seem fair if other friends significant others were also invited (married or not)
Post # 4
um… that’s sort of crappy. I know that there has been some heated debates about the whole +1 issue here, but I’ve always thought that if the couple decides to not allow dates, atleast the bridal party should be exempt. It just seems like an odd thing to do… not allow a close friend, and bm, to bring her serious bf. I think at this point it’s sort of your call, you could always gracefully bow out… IMO, it’s really rude of her. I don’t know what I’d do personally, all I know is that I’d be pissed and insulted as well.
Post # 5
my rule for +1s was married, living together, engaged only. so, i think its pretty wierd that your live in mate was not invited. i suggest having a calm conversation with her about how this situation affects you and your friendship. do you want to go to the wedding, even as just a guest and not a BM?
Post # 6
That’s really disappointing.. I think, since she’s asked you to be a bridesmaid, you of all people should be allowed to bring a date! I really think you should sit down with the bride and have an honest conversation with her about how this makes you feel. If she asked you to be a bridesmaid, you guys are hopefully comfortable enough with one another to have this conversation. Just tell her how upset your boyfriend was, and how you are a bit offended that he wasn’t invited.
I know you said you’re considering backing down as a bridesmaid and maybe even not attending the wedding, but I think you should give the bride your honest opinion first, and if she doesn’t give in to this ONE guest, then you should consider dropping out. It’s a crappy situation, but it’s not fair to you to do all this stuff for her and spend all this money as a bridesmaid, and have her not willing to pay for your guest.
Post # 7
Ouch – this is a really tough situation. I think that as dating mores have become more confusing, the etiquette on a plus one is harder to decide. The rule that married couples must be invited together is an easy one to follow, but trying to determine which unmarried couples should be invited is quite difficult. As a bride, no matter what financial situation I was in, I would need to invite both members of a couple that live together. But I don’t know if that is a universal etiquette rule like the rule about married couples. I also think that bridesmaids should be invited with plus ones even if they are not in relationships, since they are working so hard to help the bride and groom (but again I don’t think this is an ironclad rule).
If you weren’t a bridesmaid, I would tell you that your options when you are invited without a plus one are to suck it up and attend the wedding gracefully or politely decline the invitation.
If I were in your situation, it would be really hard for me to cheerfully pay for the dress and other expenses knowing that this wedding would upset my partner. So I think that before you drop out as bridesmaid, you should discuss the situation with her. She is stressed at work and with wedding planning, and it is possible she just made a bad decision that she would immediately regret as soon as she thought about it (when I was in the middle of wedding planning I made a lot of bad decisions). If she reacts poorly to your concerns, then you can just drop her as a friend and drop out of her bridal party. But I would be inclined to give her a chance to rectify the situation since she is under a lot of stress right now.
Post # 8
Guest lists are hard because there are so many limitations for people – space, financial, etc. It looks like your friend had to draw the line at spouses only (or maybe anyone who is engaged or married). This is never an easy decision to make and I’m sure if money were no object, your boyfriend would be invited. When your friend mentioned omitting significant others at lunch, I think this was her way of letting you know where she drew the line and that it wasn’t a personal attack towards you (she certainly felt bad and stressed out over that decision amongst many things). Bummer that you feel insulted – it certainly is disappointing to not be able to bring your SO. I guess I’ve been to so many weddings where my then-bf wasn’t invited due to size limitations or money or he was simply unknown to the couple that it’s no big deal to me…I had fun anyway.
Post # 9
i would probably bow out and give her a great gift. i don’t believe it’s fair for all of the other bridal party members to have their spouses/fiancees there and you not to have yours. she definitely should have included the SO to the guest list not bridal party. GL!
Post # 10
Oh…and just to clarify, my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years.
Post # 11
i would let her explain herself further before doing anything rash. i’m having a super small ceremony, am only able to invite 3 friends, and therefore am not including significant others/husbands. guest lists are tough, especially if you have a small venue or tight budget. also, you guys are obviously close friends if she’s asking you to be in her wedding party. i know it’s crappy of her not to invite your live in bf, but is it really worth your friendship?
Post # 12
talk to her and give her a chance to explain – and for you to share your opinion before doing anything rash. it may work out somehow
Post # 13
MAybe she’s thinking that since you’d be so busy with being a Bridesmaid or Best Man, that he’d be on his own for most of the evening. He’d have to drive hmself, since you’d be getting ready with the bride, and he’d be at the cocktail hour alone b/c you’ll be taking pics. I don’t think it would bother me but you know your friend best.
We had to make cuts too. We invited everyone’s spouses, but if someone wasn’t married, and we hadn’t met the SO, we didn’t invite them. I know my friend is disappointed b/c she’s been dating her Boyfriend or Best Friend for over a year and they’re talking about marrying, but I’ve never met him. I didn’t really want people I don’t know at my wedding.
Post # 14
Yeah thats odd, she should have included you LIVE IN Boyfriend or Best Friend. I recently got a save the date with only my name, but when the couple sent the formal invitation they included my Fi’s name too! In the beginning I thought they were only going to invite me (I’m engaged and live with the Fi) and if that were the case I was going to decline the invite. I just think its weird when people invite you but not your other half who you live with and you’ve been dating a long time.
Post # 15
I agree it’s no fun to not have your SO (esp live-in) invited to a wedding you’re a part of, but from a brides’ perspective who is trying to cut the guest list, it kind of makes sense…just playing devils’ advocate here.
the reason i bring this up – in our wedding, we have a groomsman thats’ married – lets’ call him groomsman A. so of course, we invited his wife, no questions asked. then, a few weeks later, Fiance mentions that groomsman A’s wife is a music teacher, so we should ask her if she would be interested in performing at our wedding. we ask, she graciously accepts, and also says, “thanks for including me, i think i would have been bored at the wedding if i didn’t have anything to do.”
…so, just saying =)
Post # 16
I think I would talk to her
show her these comments if necessary
maybe she is just clueless
maybe she doesn’t realize “manners”
but with that said, are you willing to compromise the friendship? Many people can’t take honesty and get all ticky about it. You may just want to decline being a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
My daughter has decided all Bridesmaid or Best Man whether in a realationship or not will be allowed to bring a guest. A courtsey