I'm a bridesmaid and my boyfriend is not invited

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 31
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

She sounds super stressed and is probably acting out – not an excuse for being rude though! You probably did your self a favor. I had a situation similar during my wedding but I made adjustments to my seating, there’s no way I was gonna tell my girls they couldn’t bring their +1’s.

Post # 32
Member
6092 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

sounds like she was verbally doling out invites before they started having to pay for things and then bills started coming in and shit got real so now she’s uninviting people and hoping enough people do not show up. I think it’s wise for you to not attend. She’s showing her ass being snarky with you for making that choice, though. She said it was fine if you couldn’t attend and then got an attitude when you believed her- just like you believed her when she said your Boyfriend or Best Friend was invited. This is all on her.

Post # 33
Member
1285 posts
Bumble bee

I also have questions.  How long have you and your boyfriend been dating, and do you live together?  Also, how old is the bride?  And who is paying for the wedding?

Let’s face it.  Weddings are crazy expensive and there are a million posts on this website from people trying to figure out how to make their guest lists/venue/budget restrictions work.  It’s not uncommon for couples to have a policy that unless you are a long-term/cohabitating couple, you won’t get a +1 in order to keep the guest list more manageable.  And, if the bride’s parents are footing the bill, it’s very possible that she feels powerless to tell her parents “no” to one of their family members coming so that your boyfriend can come, especially when you’re supposed to be busy being a Bridesmaid or Best Man that day.  So yeah, I get it that it’s annoying and a little rude for her to uninvite him, but if she really was your best friend, and you committed to being a Bridesmaid or Best Man, then it’s also more than rude for you to back out of the wedding altogether over it.  Some day, when you get married, you will see just how stressful planning a wedding is and might understand the tough position your friend was in.  

Post # 34
Member
13578 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Uninviting people is always rude an inappropriate.  Inviting people without their signifcant other is also very rude.  She’s in the wrong here, not you.  I don’t blame you at all for not wanting to go.

Post # 35
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

sunshinebabe :  You are not in the wrong , bridesmaids do so much for their brides i feel the least the bride can do is give you a plus one!! I really find it so disheartening when i see people do this to the bridal party , they do everything to make your day!!!! She is absolutely in the wrong for doing this to you 

Post # 36
Member
2879 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

sunshinebabe :  She is absolutely in the wrong. Proper etiquette dictates that all (single) members of the bridal party should be given a plus one and all members of the bridal party who are in relationships should be invited as a single unit. 

I would not attend a wedding to support her relationship if she is so quick to dismiss the importance of yours. 

Post # 37
Member
6403 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Although I’m of the opinion that EVERYONE should be invited with their spouse or get a +1, it is almost universally accepted that at least the bridal party gets a +1. And for her to not respect your relationship while asking you to celebrate hers? RUDE.

Post # 38
Member
6324 posts
Bee Keeper

akshali2000 :   I know how easily family guests add up and that friends and plus ones often need to be cut

The point is a Boyfriend or Best Friend is NOT a plus one. Please learn the meaning of a plus one before you start cutting peoples SOs for your own party. 

OP Bride is def in the wrong. I would have backed out as well. I *might* have attended if local, but that is beyond disrespectful to you. Sorry youre going through that bee. 

Post # 39
Member
399 posts
Helper bee

I agree with others, the Bridal Party should always get a +1. I say this regardless of whether they are engaged or just want to bring a guest. The fact you had to travel and didnt know anyone is even worse! Im sure the cost of your attire was more than his plate, so I would find that to be a slap in the face!

That being said, I feel that committing to being a Bridesmaid or Best Man is something barring very serious circumstances (a death in the family, or emergency health reason), that you should not back out of. I would probably clarify one more time that your Boyfriend or Best Friend is not invited. I would still suck it up and go, but do the bare minimum (do your own hair and makeup if shes not paying, go with the flow and dont volunteer to do a million things before the wedding). I also  would probably not give a gift (or just bring a card). If you have to leave early, to drive home that night and not waste money on another hotel night (so be it).

Btw this was poor planning on her part! You should never account some people as not coming and thats what she did, and now shes trying to compensate for it.

Post # 40
Member
889 posts
Busy bee

For those saying that the bride didn’t officially invite your Boyfriend or Best Friend and therefore has done nothing wrong, why is it then that the bride explicitly told you that he would need to be cut? If he’s not invited then how can he be cut form the guest list? And on top of that she tells you she understand if you can’t attend without him? I’m guessing she thought you would still go without him and got annoyed when you declined. This is all on her, I think it’s extremely rude of her.

Post # 41
Member
402 posts
Helper bee

I have to say reading this website make me wonder if wedding really are such happy events.  It seem the bringing of two people together often has a lot of casualties along the way – sorry to be negative.  But I swear the bride and groom will never know just how much pain they have caused various peopleusually wedding party and family issues.\

Well I hate putting blame but the bride really handled this badly.  Yes, wedding party significant others hsould be invited especially if they are travelling. And if they choose not too because they will e toobusy to entertain and be with their bf or gf then that is fine but it their decison and it is courtesy

A verbal invite toa wedding party member is a binding contract in my opinon. WhileI believe you are in the right I would have done this (though deep down be disappointed in the bride a few bucks is not worth losing a true friend).  I wold have said I totally understand and understandthe cost issues but I will offer to pay for my bf ie $100.

Well I guess you may have lost a friend but you saved a lot of money I assume so you and our bf can maybe have a fun little excursion.

Post # 42
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee

She’s mad because she tried to treat you shitty, but wasn’t able to get away with it after all. 

Post # 43
Member
402 posts
Helper bee

One further thing. I am not sure if this is the right thread but if you as a bride and or groom have to start cutting to the point you might be seen as rude or even cheap then rethink your wedding plans.  I am not saying don’t get married but get married within your means and budget.

 

I am dealing with one wedding where to save money to buy a second dress for the bride they decided to cut out the gifts for the wedding party.  You say a lot what y ou ccut and what you spend as to what is important.  We all know it is not the gift it is the thought but it says a lot.

I come from a very very poor family.  My mom had to be tough or we would have been on the streets.  She taught us if you move out and rent a place or buy a place then you better be able to afford insurance or  you can’t move out or buy that place.  I don’t mean to chastise this bride and I keep saying the b and g are always right well sort of because they have to live with the consequences and it looks like in this situation a friendshp might be ended.    The odds are one person will not attend anyways.    I bet you I could find a way to save $100 for this boyfriend to attend – mind you the b and g might not like it.

It really makes me sad to hear these stories of relationships ruined or severely damaged ove rsuch silliness.  

Post # 44
Member
402 posts
Helper bee

One further thing. I am not sure if this is the right thread but if you as a bride and or groom have to start cutting to the point you might be seen as rude or even cheap then rethink your wedding plans.  I am not saying don’t get married but get married within your means and budget.

I am dealing with one wedding where to save money to buy a second dress for the bride they decided to cut out the gifts for the wedding party.  You say a lot what y ou ccut and what you spend as to what is important.  We all know it is not the gift it is the thought but it says a lot.

I come from a very very poor family.  My mom had to be tough or we would have been on the streets.  She taught us if you move out and rent a place or buy a place then you better be able to afford insurance or  you can’t move out or buy that place.  I don’t mean to chastise this bride and I keep saying the b and g are always right well sort of because they have to live with the consequences and it looks like in this situation a friendshp might be ended.    The odds are one person will not attend anyways.    I bet you I could find a way to save $100 for this boyfriend to attend – mind you the b and g might not like it.

It really makes me sad to hear these stories of relationships ruined or severely damaged ove rsuch silliness.  

Post # 45
Member
11948 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Contrary to popular opinion it is not required to give the bridal party a + true 1 or an exception to the married, engaged, living together rule. Anyone in a social unit and mature, long term, committed relationship should however be included, though this can be kind of a gray area IMO. Anyone invited to a Destination Wedding should have the option too.  Ultimately she gets to invite who she wants and you get to decide if you are going to attend. 

But inviting your Boyfriend or Best Friend to a pre-wedding event and then cutting him from the guest list was pretty tacky. 

Personally I’d attend because it seems she is working from the traditional guidelines, may have had to deal with stubborn parents and was not trying to offend despite her very clumsy “retraction.”

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