(Closed) I’m a Bridesmaid and my boyfriend’s not invited

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
1962 posts
Buzzing bee

I would try to talk to her and find out if it is something that is really bothering her.  Maybe the couples could hang out a couple of times to see if old wounds are still there.  If they get along ahead of time, it should be fine at the wedding.

Post # 4
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I’d say she was fairly nice about it to say that he could come if you absolutely wanted/needed him there.

The standard rule that we use here is that if a couple is dating for more than 6 months (some people use a year) then you should invite the SO… but if there is history that might make her uncomfortable, then I can kind of understand her reasoning.

She said you could bring him if it was really important to you, so I don’t see a huge reason for hurt feelings.  I think if you talked to her about it, she’d probably say that she has a hard time with him because of what you went through in the break-up.  I don’t know if it would be worth talking to her (in a non-confrontational way) about what’s changed since then… but if she still hears the negative side of your relationship because you vent to her, it’s going to be a hard sell.

I’d say, though, that whatever the outcome, be there for your friend and don’t take it personally.

Good luck 🙂

Post # 5
676 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I second doctorgirl.

Post # 6
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think it depends on why she doesn’t like him.  Is it because of your bad breakup or was there an issue between the two of them directly?

If she is still mad at him for an issue that the two of you have gotten over (breakup) then I think she needs to let you bring him but if it’s more complicated than that, and there was some sort of issue between them, maybe he shouldn’t come.

Post # 8
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I agree with doctorgirl.  And it does kind of depend on why she doesn’t like him.

I understand her reasonsing because I was planning on having a similar conversation with my sister.  She’s been dating this guy on and off that I have absolutely HATED since their last breakup and I really really don’t want him there, don’t want to sit with him at our table, anything.  But, I’m letting her make her own call on it – just like your friend is to you.  If it’s important to you, talk to her and bring him, just like she offered.  

Post # 9
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Daisy, is the bride planning to seat the wedding party’s dates at the head table?  If so, she might have a harder time ignoring him if he’s going to be seated at her table.

But regardless of where he’s sitting, I do think it’s unfair of her to go out of her way to exclude your boyfriend, and only your boyfriend, because she doesn’t like him.   If you guys had a tough breakup the first time around, I do sympathize with her — she probably still thinks of him as "the jerk who broke my friend’s heart" and doesn’t think he deserves you.  But it’s not her job to tell you who you can and can’t date, and deciding that everyone but you can bring a date is not a good way to handle it.

I would be honest with her — say that you’re hurt that you’re the only one who doesn’t get to bring a date, and that you know a lot of bad stuff happened, but you guys really care about each other and you’d like her to give him another chance.  But if she still says she’d really rather not have him there, I would respect her wishes, and try again after the wedding to get your boyfriend back in her good graces.

Post # 11
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I agree with DaisyBride – if the issue of her not liking him is just what he did to you, she’s given you the go-ahead to bring him if you really want to; however, if he did something to her to make her not like him, it’s best to leave him at home. I also think if you can get everyone together before the wedding to just hang out it may help her see that the two of you have gotten past previous issues and she needs to see the good person he is and how happy he makes you. She can dislike him for his treatment of you if she wants (I’ve been there, hated the friend’s boyfriend cause he was a jerk to her), but I think it’s pretty mean-spirited of her to take the wedding as an opportunity to force her feelings of disapproval on you and single you out as the only one who can’t bring a date.

Post # 12
45 posts
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m wondering — how long ago did the two of you break up, and when did you get back together?  If it’s been within the last six months or so, I can kind of see how her dislike toward him might still be pretty fresh (even if you and your boyfriend have resolved your issues).  I’m also hoping your breakup didn’t involve any public scenes (since you mentioned it wasn’t amicable) — I’m assuming her feelings are just based on your venting during the breakup (and yeah, I’ve been there), but it seems possible that her opinion of him changed because of his behavior, and she might be worried that your boyfriend might upset you or act inappropriately for some reason.

If it’s really just that she formed a negative opinion of him out of loyalty to you during the breakup, then I agree with the other posters that you might  try to arrange a small get-together so she can see the positive side of him again.  

Post # 14
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

i think you have a right to be upset and you can probably understand why she doesn’t like your boyfriend, given the situation, I personally would not bring him and focus on trying to make her happy on her wedding day.

Post # 15
5494 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2011

I agree with Melissa.  It’s really not the bride’s place to pass judgment on your relationship.  As a friend she can be upset that he hurt you but if the two of you have worked things out, then she needs to respect your relationship as she respect any other relationship.

I dont think it was right of her to not invite him.  I would have a gentle talk with her, explaining that although you two had some problems you are taking your relationship forward and it would mean a lot to you if she supports you and makes an effort with you Boyfriend or Best Friend.  Good luck!

Post # 16
3979 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I’m kind of in the same situation, but I’m the bride. My Maid/Matron of Honor has a new bf every 6 months… we went over wedding plans this weekend & she was like "Well my bf is invited too, right?" I mumbled something and then said we aren’t sure about our guest list yet. The problem is, she insists that her boyfriend of the month is the center of attention & at almost every major function we’ve attended together– she gets into a blowout fight with her bf. I’m the opposite, I still won’t allow my Fiance to be photographed with me at any family event.

I won’t allow her to bring her boyfriend, but I also won’t let everyone else bring their boyfriends either. Your friend handled this situation incorrectly. She shouldn’t have singled you or your boyfriend out. If there is a mutual dislike for one another– I’d say leave him at home. If she did say you could bring him & you think the bride and your bf can be civil, then bring him along. This is really up to you!

A long time ago I heard someone say "Don’t trash your partner to me because it’s easier for you to forgive him/her than it is for me to." Friends & families don’t love our SO like we do…. they aren’t as quick to forgive & forget.

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