Post # 1
I am a bridesmaid for a wedding this summer. The bride and I have been friends since elementary school and are close friends. I have greatly enjoyed helping her with a lot of the wedding events and details. I have put together some items for the shower and put together her Bachelorette party. In fact, it’s at my parent’s beach house.
My issue is that ALL of the bridal party is allowed to bring dates. Many of the guests are allowed to bring dates as well, except for me: The bride doesn’t like my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I dated for several years, broke up (wasn’t the most amicable break-up), and got back to together a while ago. Ever since the break-up, she has disliked him.
When the invitation came, it only had my name on it. She later told me that I could bring him if it really bothered me, but she doesn’t want him to come in case his presence may affect her day. I realize it’s her day and time for her to be selfish. I also want her to have the perfect wedding. But, at the same time, I feel as though if he were to come, he would say congratulations and the two of them wouldn’t pay much attention to each other after that. I have a hard time believing she would even be aware to his presence. With all that I have done for her, it upsets me that she won’t give me the joy of bringing him.
Should I just let her wedding be about her and drop the issue? At the same time, is it fair for me to feel so hurt and do nothing?
Post # 3
I would try to talk to her and find out if it is something that is really bothering her. Maybe the couples could hang out a couple of times to see if old wounds are still there. If they get along ahead of time, it should be fine at the wedding.
Post # 4
I’d say she was fairly nice about it to say that he could come if you absolutely wanted/needed him there.
The standard rule that we use here is that if a couple is dating for more than 6 months (some people use a year) then you should invite the SO… but if there is history that might make her uncomfortable, then I can kind of understand her reasoning.
She said you could bring him if it was really important to you, so I don’t see a huge reason for hurt feelings. I think if you talked to her about it, she’d probably say that she has a hard time with him because of what you went through in the break-up. I don’t know if it would be worth talking to her (in a non-confrontational way) about what’s changed since then… but if she still hears the negative side of your relationship because you vent to her, it’s going to be a hard sell.
I’d say, though, that whatever the outcome, be there for your friend and don’t take it personally.
Good luck 🙂
Post # 6
I think it depends on why she doesn’t like him. Is it because of your bad breakup or was there an issue between the two of them directly?
If she is still mad at him for an issue that the two of you have gotten over (breakup) then I think she needs to let you bring him but if it’s more complicated than that, and there was some sort of issue between them, maybe he shouldn’t come.
Post # 7
To provide more history: Before the break-up, everything was fine between him and her. Ever since the break-up, she has not liked him and said that she doesn’t think he’s a good person. I may have fueled my own fire though, during the break-up I definitely overly vented to her about EVERYTHING!
I don’t believe it’s any more complicated than that. They have never had an issue of their own. In fact, they used to be somewhat good friends and I met him through her.
Post # 8
I agree with doctorgirl. And it does kind of depend on why she doesn’t like him.
I understand her reasonsing because I was planning on having a similar conversation with my sister. She’s been dating this guy on and off that I have absolutely HATED since their last breakup and I really really don’t want him there, don’t want to sit with him at our table, anything. But, I’m letting her make her own call on it – just like your friend is to you. If it’s important to you, talk to her and bring him, just like she offered.
Post # 9
Daisy, is the bride planning to seat the wedding party’s dates at the head table? If so, she might have a harder time ignoring him if he’s going to be seated at her table.
But regardless of where he’s sitting, I do think it’s unfair of her to go out of her way to exclude your boyfriend, and only your boyfriend, because she doesn’t like him. If you guys had a tough breakup the first time around, I do sympathize with her — she probably still thinks of him as "the jerk who broke my friend’s heart" and doesn’t think he deserves you. But it’s not her job to tell you who you can and can’t date, and deciding that everyone but you can bring a date is not a good way to handle it.
I would be honest with her — say that you’re hurt that you’re the only one who doesn’t get to bring a date, and that you know a lot of bad stuff happened, but you guys really care about each other and you’d like her to give him another chance. But if she still says she’d really rather not have him there, I would respect her wishes, and try again after the wedding to get your boyfriend back in her good graces.
Post # 10
The bridal party will not be sitting at the head table. We will be sitting at tables with all the other guests.
Post # 11
I agree with DaisyBride – if the issue of her not liking him is just what he did to you, she’s given you the go-ahead to bring him if you really want to; however, if he did something to her to make her not like him, it’s best to leave him at home. I also think if you can get everyone together before the wedding to just hang out it may help her see that the two of you have gotten past previous issues and she needs to see the good person he is and how happy he makes you. She can dislike him for his treatment of you if she wants (I’ve been there, hated the friend’s boyfriend cause he was a jerk to her), but I think it’s pretty mean-spirited of her to take the wedding as an opportunity to force her feelings of disapproval on you and single you out as the only one who can’t bring a date.
Post # 12
I’m wondering — how long ago did the two of you break up, and when did you get back together? If it’s been within the last six months or so, I can kind of see how her dislike toward him might still be pretty fresh (even if you and your boyfriend have resolved your issues). I’m also hoping your breakup didn’t involve any public scenes (since you mentioned it wasn’t amicable) — I’m assuming her feelings are just based on your venting during the breakup (and yeah, I’ve been there), but it seems possible that her opinion of him changed because of his behavior, and she might be worried that your boyfriend might upset you or act inappropriately for some reason.
If it’s really just that she formed a negative opinion of him out of loyalty to you during the breakup, then I agree with the other posters that you might try to arrange a small get-together so she can see the positive side of him again.
Post # 13
We broke up for about 4 months and got back together about 6 months ago. By not amicable, I just meant that I was not happy about the situation and we both weren’t very kind when it broke off. We have never had a public scene or anything to that nature. We are both pretty private about stuff like that. I did vent to her a lot. Maybe you are right in that it’s just still too fresh.
Post # 14
i think you have a right to be upset and you can probably understand why she doesn’t like your boyfriend, given the situation, I personally would not bring him and focus on trying to make her happy on her wedding day.
Post # 15
I agree with Melissa. It’s really not the bride’s place to pass judgment on your relationship. As a friend she can be upset that he hurt you but if the two of you have worked things out, then she needs to respect your relationship as she respect any other relationship.
I dont think it was right of her to not invite him. I would have a gentle talk with her, explaining that although you two had some problems you are taking your relationship forward and it would mean a lot to you if she supports you and makes an effort with you Boyfriend or Best Friend. Good luck!
Post # 16
I’m kind of in the same situation, but I’m the bride. My Maid/Matron of Honor has a new bf every 6 months… we went over wedding plans this weekend & she was like "Well my bf is invited too, right?" I mumbled something and then said we aren’t sure about our guest list yet. The problem is, she insists that her boyfriend of the month is the center of attention & at almost every major function we’ve attended together– she gets into a blowout fight with her bf. I’m the opposite, I still won’t allow my Fiance to be photographed with me at any family event.
I won’t allow her to bring her boyfriend, but I also won’t let everyone else bring their boyfriends either. Your friend handled this situation incorrectly. She shouldn’t have singled you or your boyfriend out. If there is a mutual dislike for one another– I’d say leave him at home. If she did say you could bring him & you think the bride and your bf can be civil, then bring him along. This is really up to you!
A long time ago I heard someone say "Don’t trash your partner to me because it’s easier for you to forgive him/her than it is for me to." Friends & families don’t love our SO like we do…. they aren’t as quick to forgive & forget.