(Closed) I’m a Bridesmaid and my boyfriend’s not invited

posted 11 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 17
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Well, it’s ultimately her decision who she wants to invite to her wedding (I have read several advice columns on wedding invite etiquette), but I think anyone giving her advice on the subject would tell her to invite him. I was going to ask about the head table, but it doesn’t look like he’ll be sitting there so that’s one down. I was also going to ask about the reason for your breakup and why it wasn’t amicable, but it doesn’t seem like he was being physically violent or anything that would really warrant her to not invite him, she is just sticking up for you, but you’ve taken him back so she has to be with you on that decision as a friend.

I’m a little miffed that you got the invitation first before she spoke to you about it. She definitely should have reached out to you first and discussed her hesitation. This way, she is kind of telling you through her actions that she has already decided and if you want to go against the grain and be a bad friend you can bring him.

Ultimately I agree with msduck, you should go solo and focus on her. There is no perfect solution, but this is the most obvious and best one.

Post # 18
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Just a thought… If you guys only recently got back together, maybe the bride already had the guest list set?  We’ve had our guest list set for months and just sent out invites this week.  I recently found out a couple of my guests have started dating people very recently.  To find room for even one extra person is proving very difficult for us as we are already over capacity. 

Prob doesn’t make her want to go out of her way to find room for him given the history.

You should just talk to her if it bothers you that much.

Post # 19
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I agree with MelissaB. His presence really shouldn’t have a big impact on her day since you’ll be sitting at different tables, you said your both not make-a-scene people, and he’s not in the wedding party so there will be limited pictures of him. It was in poor taste to invite other people’s bfs and not yours, regardless of how she feels about him.

On the other hand, I had a friend who constantly complained about her bf to me for years through multiple breakups and I could never understand what she saw in him b/c of it. I would never exclude him from my wedding if it was important to my friend. I think you should have a heart-to-heart and tell her all the wonderful things about your bf that you’ve never told her before. If she’s only heard the bad stuff, no wonder she has a bad opinion of him.

It sounds like her offer to you to bring him "if it really bothered you" is super back-handed and passive aggressive.  That’s just not fair. Tell her you’re hurt.

Post # 20
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2010

It’s her wedding, I would just suck it up for six hours!

Post # 21
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I have to agress with soontobeLJW. I was in a similar situation many years ago.  I was the Maid/Matron of Honor at my best friend’s wedding. She did not like my now ex-boyfriend.  The way I looked at it, was I was going to confront the situation because my friendship to her meant so much more to me. To be honest with you, even though I was a bit hurt about it. It wasn’t about me. It was my friend’s day.  To be honest with you, I ended up being so busy most of the day that if he went, I would have felt like I needed to be attached to his hip since he didn’t know anyone.

Post # 22
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with those who think hes should be invited.  Why should you suck it up and focus on the bride?  But I suppose she’ll need someone since all of the other Bms get to bring a date.  And I also, agree that she shouldn’t pass judgement.  This is a wedding.  that doesn’t give her the right to decide who you are or aren’t to be with. 

I could see if he was likely to make a big scene, or felt like you were in an abusive situation, and she didn’t want to come across like she’s supporting the relationship.  But this isn’t the case.  ANd honestl, I don’t really see how he will affect her day.  She will barely notice that he’s there.  I’m not sure how much he really desires to go to the wedding.  (Sometimes guys aren’t eager to go.)  But one thing is for sure, at the least, she’d be hurting you, which is probably not her intention.

But since she said that if it bothered you, you could bring him, I would just bring him.  The only thing you might want to work on is repairing her image of him.  It is so tough not to vent to those close to you, when your SO ticks you off.  But unfortuantely, this is why we should try to avoid it.  She’s got this fight/break up, like a single moment, etched in her mind.  She doesn’t have all the good times and the wonderful things about him, etched in her brain.  And even if you did tell her those things, i’m sure they weren’t said with the same intensity as when you thought he was the biggest creep.  It’s just going to take longer to change her opinion.  But hopefully you can patch things up.

Post # 23
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I think you should let it go and yield to the bride.  It’s her wedding day and she can decide who she wants to invite.  I wouldn’t take it personal and I’m sure she appreciates all that you’ve done. 

Post # 24
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think the original invitation spoke volumes.  It’s the brides 1 day and she can decide who she’d like to celebrate with.  My vote is to respect her original wishes and drop it 🙂  Besides, it’s just 1 day anyway.

Post # 25
Member
1428 posts
Bumble bee

If you really want to have him there with you, then I would talk to her and let her know that. I can understand where she’s coming from as your friend….she’s p*ssed at him for hurting someone she loves (YOU). I know my BFF felt that way towards my ex-FI when he & I became friends again after calling off our wedding.
It’s a tough situation because you want your friend to be super happy on her wedding day…but it’s not always fun to go to a wedding without a date…especially if you’re in a relationship…it’s not like you’re gonna hook up with a single guy there…you just feel bummed that your man isn’t there to hang out with and dance with.

Post # 26
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Ah, this situation totally sucks. I think, gasp, that the bride is a bit out of line in this situation though. I mean, c’mon. The break up was between the two of you -if you’ve found a way to move on she should respect that. Since you’re a close friend she should do what she can to at least be civil to him.

HOWEVER I learned the hard way that you shouldn’t over-vent. I used to do it to my family about an ex (before he was an ex) and before I knew it none of them could stand looking at him. that made things really hard when things were "on again" with him..

Post # 27
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

i have a very similar situation.  my one friend who i love has been dating this guy on and off for 5 years.  i despise him!  she has caught him cheating on her several times and she keeps going back to him.  i mean she walked in on him doing ‘it’ with another girl.  my friend has found other girls bras in her bed and used ‘things’ in the garbage.  anyway..disgusting i know.  now she is 8 months pregnant with his baby.  i am going to invite her but i really don’t want to invite him.  she knows i don’t like him, but i want her to have a good time and have a date with her.

Post # 28
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

I think you should respect her wishes.  It is only one day, and yes, it is her day.  You two can work out this issue after the wedding.

Post # 29
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

yes, i think thats the problem that some girls cannot get pass the its just one day and let the bride have that one day to have it her way, within reason, of course

Post # 30
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding and it was a similar situation. I had my date come after dinner just for drinks and dancing. It worked out fine.

Post # 31
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

If it really means a lot to you that he is there, I think you should talk to her about it.  I personally can’t stand one of my Bridesmaid or Best Man boyfriends, but I am invinting him anyways, because I know it will make her happy.  I will be so busy that day I won’t notice him anyways.  It’s ultimately her decision, but if you are going to be sad if he is not there, I think she really needs to understand that although you had a bad breakup before, you are together again now and you’ll feel bad if he can’t come.  She’s probably just worried that he’ll hurt you again and doesn’t want it to seem like she is ‘condoning’ your relationship by inviting him….but that is your decision to make, not hers. 

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